So here we go. I've been struggling to understand my WW and her justification of her A. I understand her "addiction" to the A, however the OM has a criminal record which concerns me. We have a 21 month old little girl that I worry about when she is with my WW. In fact, when I had picked up my D yesterday, my WW had to go meet her S22 with some "things". Well, when she was collecting those "things", her weed pipe had fallen out onto the stand. Needless to say, I was outraged! But I kept my cool and continued to unload stuff. (Yea, I've been her friend and been helping her move stuff and getting her place set up.. now I see that was a no no).. So I've since contacted an attorney and have looked into protective custody (which was denied btw) So now I'm stuck. My WW has suggested she was going to use some photos to falsify abuse, which I again, kept my cool and shrugged it off as it should have been. However my goal has always been to reconcile and prevent a divorce. We have no custody paperwork or separation agreements. I have been supporting her and going way above and beyond to earn her trust, which has only made me vulnerable and appear weak. I have been speaking to her aunt, who is very close to my WW, and is very supportive to both myself and is trying to offer positive guidance to my WW. I have been creating more distance and my WW had been asking for money, and I have started to tell her no. WW wanted to talk about something "important" with her aunt today, however her aunt had told her that she and I have been discussing everything, and WW feels betrayed.. So now I'm at a loss.. I want to be the strong and unwavering H that she can trust, however I worry about my D and the OMs criminal history plus the illegal drugs. I've been in contact with an attorney and am ready to file, and want to express this to my WW, but only to show her strength. I really do not want to!!! HELP!!!!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
So sorry to hear what your going through, you have a great support group here, just keep posting with what your thinking of doing and what has been going on so feedback can be given.
Anyway, can you give more info on issues in marriage, how long married, how long A was going on, etc.
As for the divorce, filing doesn't make you look strong, it's easy to file, detaching, 180's and GAL makes you look strong. If you don't want a D, don't file.
Don't give her money, and don't just decide each time she asks.. Next time she asks make it clear that it was her choice to leave your M, it's not what you want at this time, and your not going to monetarily support that decision. Make sure your daughter has everything she needs, but you can buy what she needs and give that to your WW.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Cnut has good advice... I would talk to your L again, and I'm not sure what state you are in, but if she's openly stating she's going to falsify abuse, I'd look into some kind of security cams, recording options, but NOT to beat her in argument, only to protect yourself in case she does do such thing. But, first, talk to your lawyer again about all this.
Weed isn't something they change custody over anymore, it's got to be something that's provable to directly damanging the children. Do NOT GIVE HER MONEY. If they kids are starving, offer to pick them up and go out to eat. If she needs GAS to do something for the little one, first offer to do it yourself, if she declines, (some might disagree here), but meet her at the station and put 5-10 bucks in, just enough to get where the kid needs to go, but don't ever, ever, give her cash.
I read the post, but I might have missed this part, what was the OM convicted of? major? minor? abuse? drugs? There are a lot of MR issues that people will want to know, so I'd suggest following up with MR details, timelines, etc. and in the meantime, waiting for responses for people on this forum, DO THE HOMEWORK READING CADET GAVE YOU. It's the best thing you can do for yourself, and your kid right now.
It is going to sound like an echo around here, but I agree that you need to stop giving her money. You are so smart to recognize that it is time to stop helping her move her things. If she wants to end the marriage, she needs to jump through the hoops of making it happen, including filing for D if that is what she wants.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi OU81232, I totally get the feelings you are going thru with the presence om with a criminal past especially being around your daughter. My W has her om with a criminal past living with my son and daughter, so I get it. Tell us more about your sitch - are you able to seek custody of your daughter?
I recommend that you go see a lawyer. You will need to pay child support, perhaps alimony/maintenance, and work out your parenting time with your daughter. If you don't deal with these things up front, it will force your WW to file court papers to get $$$ from you. Good luck.
