Are you getting out and meeting new people? I'm not up to date on your sitch, so I may be missing it. Your recent posts show you are doing a lot of good stuff, but I just don't see many mentions of social activity and new people.
All you can do right now is take care of yourself, and a big part of that is relearning how to make new social connections. Speaking for myself, that skill got pretty darn rusty after 25 years of underuse. We need all the support we can get during this process, and, frankly, we need to try to fill some of the absence left in our lives by our missing spouses. We need to build ourselves a new support system outside or marriages. It's difficult, and remains a work in progress for me, but it's good and I need to put in more efforts there myself.
Work on you (and I know you are with all that good stuff you mentioned!!) and stop trying to mind read or predict how he will/will not feel safe to communicate or anything else.
As BluWave has pointed told us repeatedly, mind reading simply does not work. The truth is that your H will only do something when and if he is good and ready to do so, meaning that he has made his own decisions without feeling any outside influence from you.
All the best to you, and I am so sorry that your H is too foolish to see what he's doing. Meanwhile, put on your own oxygen mask first and focus on taking care of yourself.
(((LandC)))
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
Hi Rose888, That's a good point. I will have to decide how to find a way, perhaps to have him feel safe to talk in person, or another way? My goals, - I have signed up to become a Certified Dream Coach and have started the online training. I have started looking for a new job. I have a routine I do daily, walking, journaling, meditating, and learning to control my thoughts and emotions and not break down all the time! I am learning about Internal Family Systems to start integrating the different internal 'parts' of myself to end up being a more whole and integrated person. I will ponder what else???
You have some great goals, but they all seem very serious. What are you doing for fun?
My summer fun has gotten buried under some decluttering and yard work projects that have to get done before our vacation, so I'm planning to take out my list again and recommit. A neighboring town is having a strawberry festival today, and I might take the kids to that.
Have you spoken to a lawyer about the ramifications of not signing the D papers? Will you lose the right to negotiate terms of you don't sign?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hi DBer's - Could really use some guidance and support today. Have been a real mess last couple days, uncontrollable crying, even called the local crisis line and have been in touch with a place that does codependency healing the Bridge to Recovery in Tennessee... Got an email from my H yesterday that he has found a place to live - at least it's not in a far away state as he had mentioned as a possibility a couple weeks ago - and he said he wants to come and get some of his things from the house this friday and thinks it's better if I'm not here. He also said - he was thinking of me and how difficult this transition must be for me and that it has been for him. I am REALLY CONFUSED as what is best thing to do in terms of DBing...be his friend, ? What I WANT is to see him and tell him that I will not try to process the past or talk about M or issues or future etc. Need to get a dialogue going, as that is what is making this harder for me is not seeing him at all. So friggin' sad, frustrated, angry and lonely. Part of me still just doesn't get wtf is going on and I know I won't get to know for a long time most likely as that is not a conversation he is likely to want to have in the near future. What has worked for you in this situation? The thought of coming back to the house and having more of his things gone, makes me want to die of heart ache. Any words of support today would be SO welcome! Thank you!!!
I heard an interview on NPR this weekend with a woman who researches "ambiguous loss." She mentioned divorce as a type of ambiguous loss--someone is not there but also there.
One of her key points is that dealing with ambiguous loss is hard, and it's normal for it to be hard.
I think you need to focus on you, and on trying to accept that you might never understand why this happened. Do you have access to grief counseling?
I would not pursue any contact with your H at this time.
Again, I am so sorry. Hang in there. It will get better. Give yourself time.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hi Rose888, thanks for your post - I will check out that NPR article. Having no contact is what is driving me nuts, so I am going to try to at least talk to him, no R talk or future etc, but if we keep getting further apart, where is the hope? It seems like a lot of the successful DB stories occur when the LBS offers friendship. That is what i want to do. I will see what happens...oh god, this [censored]!
Sweetie, it sounds like you have offered friendship, and he has chosen not to take you up on the offer--at least not for any sort of non-email contact.
I don't think pursuing him is going to do any good. I expect it will drive him further away.
There is some indication he is open to some email contact, but I would keep it strictly to email.
I can imagine how very awful it is to have no contact, but the only thing you can control is your response to the situation.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Just checking in to see how your day went. Was there something today that made you smile? Something to be grateful for?
I am getting a kick out of watching the squirrels try to defeat the squirrel-proof bird feeder. They have some impressive flips and falls--like a high-dive gone awry, except without the worry that anyone will get hurt.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hi DBers - Well I've been off line for a bit and thought I'd give an update. Some good things have happened, some 'bad' things have happened and I'm hanging in there. Long story short - The day my H came to get his stuff, well, suffice it to say, one of the worst days of my life, coming back to the empty walls etc. A lot of crying and sobbing that weekend. Thankfully I had arranged to have a friend 'on call' to listen to me cry and be supportive. Also, the woman I mentioned who works at the Bridge to Recovery was a god send and an angel that whole weekend and talked me into going to visit a friend - as I've been isolating myself and not wanting to talk about all this with anyone who lives in our town. That was helpful to some extent. He did text me the night before he came to get his stuff and said that once he got settled he wanted to get together w me and our dog. This is a step in the right direction, as first time he has reached out and mentioned wanting to get together. My H actually texted me the night of the day he moved his stuff out and asked how I was doing...bloody briliant! Just faB!. Having some compassion, I called him a couple nights later and left a voice mail asking how he was doing. He sent me a lovely text the following morning, and thanked me for a gift I'd given him. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am taking an online marriage program w Mort Fertel. I don't do everything he suggests at the moment as some of it I know would make things worse. I called and left a vm a couple times this week with a memory of a trip we took last year this time, and sent a photo of our dog. He responded with an email with a photo of the sunset view from his new place. While this made me feel like we're moving in the right direction - at least he is RESPONDING to me, I was also very sad that I'm not there with him... Last week I started doing Codependents anonymous daily call meetings and that has been super helpful. Also actually had FUN yesterday for the first time in 3 months, went to the river with a friend of mine and actually laughed! I will be seeing my H briefly tomorrow as I'm bringing something to him that he has asked for - he lives about 25 miles in the opposite direction of our house, and I see this as an opportunity to actually start a new VIBE going ... he signed his email with 'hugs' today. Trying really hard not to read anything into anything and not mind read. I still don't even know if he moved in with someone or what...and frankly, right now, I don't want to know...there has been enough trauma over the past few weeks, I just need a trauma - free week! I am doing my phone intake tomorrow for the Bridge treatment center. we shall see. Would love to go, just have to find the money to do it. Oh, and to top it all off, both my coworker and myself were both fired from my part time job last week, so now have no job at all and must get money thing together. Had a bit of a melt down today after the CODA phone meeting, watched Downton Abbey to calm down, then said - enough is enough, I need to feel my power - and just came back from riding my dirt bike! So fun...that IS the answer to everything really. I am keeping MWD's words in mind and celebrating the small steps - at least we are in contact and I am feeling better. Thank you all...and one more thing - fyi - I am committed to trying for at least a year to turn this ship around, so I would appreciate no further advice about signing the D papers etc. I am not doing that. Oh, there is also a Retrouvaille weekend coming up in September near our town. I've been in contact with the couple who runs it. This is now my short term goal, as it would be amazing in terms of healing, no matter the outcome. Has anyone of you done it? THANKS
It's so good to hear that you laughed, and that you had fun!
Sorry about your job.
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
Hi DBers, Well, I have some good things to report! I've been doing daily CODA phone meetings, and riding my dirt bike for the past couple days. Also, I've been getting together with a girlfriend of mine and being a bit less isolating. While the weekend my H moved his stuff out was one of most painful periods of my life, I have been reaching out for the support I need and have been feeling stronger every day. My H has sent me a couple nice texts in response to a couple of my calls and texts of our dog's photos. This evening I am seeing him for the first time since May 21, aside from seeing him drive by in his car one day. My goal for today is to stay calm, be cool calm and collected and let him guide the conversation. I am hoping that today will be the start of us feeling safe to be together, talk and not feel triggered etc. The CODA steps are helping me! I feel I am really able to be more calm and less needy/grasping than I was when I last saw him. This will be some indication of my progress! Hope all you are doing well! Wish me luck.
