Well, she has been hounding me to 'sign papers' for the past few days now. She hasn't actually presented me with any papers, she wants me to have my lawyer draw them up, which I am in the process of doing. I'm just not sure if I should take that step or force her to.
Thoughts?
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
My STBX kept screaming at me that she wanted a divorce and then after I gave her the papers she started to scream at me on why I did. Now she says she will never forgive me. Everything is my fault. If you do not want a D then don't take action. If she wants a D she needs to take action.
H-46 XW-38 T-7 M-6 S-9,8,8,6,4 S 11/30/15, I filed 12/8/15 EA 2/1/16 D dismissed 3/24/16 PA 3/18/16 confirmed 4/22/16 XW files for D 4/1/16 - D final 11/17/16 Finally moving forward...
Yes, let her do the work, unless you want the D yourself.
A lot of people told me to file first. My L said in my state there are no tactical advantages to filing first at all, you just pay more fees and you get to decide the venue. So I let my WW file herself. It was also easier to explain to my S11 that it was my WW that is doing all of this, not me. I can tell you from my experience there is no advantage to be the Petitioner nor Respondent.
Me-LBH, 48 Spouse-WW, 48 Married for 19 years Son, 12 BD #1 - November 1998 (EA 7 months after wedding) BD #2 - November 2015 (same XBF EA) WW filed D February 2016 WW moved out April 2016
I just found out yesterday that in my state the person that filed for divorce has to appear before the judge when the divorce is granted. The non-filer does not have to appear.
It may not matter much but, since I'm the non-filer, it's one less thing I have to do.
If there is an issue tonight that requires your attention I will let you know. Otherwise I will provide you with an update on the kids via text tomorrow after I drop them off. Enjoy your night.
isn't really a boundary in my opinion.
From the Boundary Cheat Sheet:
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Boundaries are for YOU and for your own well-being. Boundaries are not controlling at all. Simply statements of actions, comments, or behaviors by the other person that are not acceptable. It is signaling and communicating to the other person what's happening and what you will do if they persist in their actions.
What you wrote is simply controlling. You are controlling the access to your kids' information without really explaining the boundary. In my opinion, the text you sent is kind of step 2 where she has already crossed the boundary.
Maybe something like this would be a little more clear? "When the kids are with me, I would prefer to focus on them, so I will answer your texts after I drop them off. If there is something urgent, I will let you know."
Hey CRW, I say sign them. You can refuse but that will just make her angry and she will feel more trapped and pull away even more. Sometimes we have to give people what they want in order for them to realize that what they are asking for doesn't really make them as happy as they might think.
If she presents you with papers and you agree with everything that's written in them, sign them. If you don't agree, you'll have to write up another version with that part changed.
If you don't want to get divorced, don't file. Let her go through the initial process first.
My husband recently gave me papers, and after debating for awhile whether or not I should sign, I went ahead and signed the papers and gave them back to him. Although I do not want the divorce, and internally I am still fighting hard to save my marriage, I think not signing will make the spouse that wants out even more angry and resentful. As Michele says in her book, try acting "As if.." Maybe they will come back.
Today I asked my H if he could delay turning them into the court, and he said he'd wait a week. I think that's some positivity. I am trying to act "as if.." so I am hoping that technique will work, but at the same time, I am trying not to have expectations.
