I'm new here Coconut and can't offer anything other than good wishes towards your sitch turning out positive. I just wanted to say I thought you handled that conversation w/W very well.
Be prepared for more 'tests' from W for she will use every angle to regain control even if it means bringing S into the convo. Just simply say, "I am sorry but your concern about S is seriously misplaced for if you were truly concerned, you would not be having an A at all. As for the so-called emotional affair, it is still very disrespectful to me and our M. Let me be clear about one thing: I will not lie or cover up your A to son. It's on you and I prefer that you stay out of the MBR. We have some decisons to make here." Then walk away.
Why don't you got out tonight. Go to the local pub or a comedy joint. Dress in nice casual clothes and put on cologne. If W asks where you're going, just say "I'm not sure yet...I want to go out. Bye."Be home late line around 11 pm and not fall for W's frantic texts.
Here's the deal. You were suffering from diarrhea of the mouth. We were trying to get it stopped. When she is living in the same house with you, and you refuse to speak (hello, good-bye, pass the salt), it does make you appear kind of like a jerk, but I see how you may have misunderstood. We don't want you getting into a talk with her. That is when you are vulnerable and do not know when to stop.
I totally misunderstood direction, I saw her twice yesterday when my son was around and didn't speak to her directly either time, but that was it, just twice. And both times I was leaving because I had plans, I never ignored her while sitting around, just as I walked out the door.
She is using this as her leverage. She believes you will back down from talking with S16. The next time she pulls this, tell her, "Fine, if you are sure that's what you want. However, he will be told the truth. I am not going to lie to my son to cover your affair".
I think we are going to have to talk to him, should the affair be exposed? I think he may have heard us in the MBR, when I left he scurried away from the kitchen which is about 10 feet away from door. Also, should I talk to him alone if he approaches me when she's not there.
However, if she should approach you about wanting to save the M......... She has not said anything about saving M.
If she tries to bring up a bunch of stuff from the past or blame you for things, you still listen. If she does not take responsibility for the A, and tries to blame something for it........and if she does not apologize to you.......wait till she is done
She throws blame at me constantly, I'm over that, I no longer accept sole responsibility, I take a lot of responsibility for M issues, but I take no responsibility in her starting affair or refusing to end it . She has not even apologized at all, nothing, nada, nilch.
As for taking a couple of weeks away..........I suppose it depends on your reason. Is it to avoid the emotional pressure you feel at home? Are you hoping she'll miss you...enough it will matter? Are you needing the space and time to think, study, and plan?
I was thinking all three Sandi, with her barely home, I felt the only way I'd really be missed was to be gone totally for a little while, although now I'm not sure if that is what I should do after our talk this morning, I'll look for guidance on that.
She may just take advantage of the time you are gone, or she may believe she's really messed up now, and that YOU may decide you don't want to be M to her anymore, after the way she has disrespected you. Now, most LBH'S are terrified that their WW will get that very idea. They don't realize (the LBH'S ) that this is exactly what the WW needs to wonder.
She's never home now, she can only do that because she knows I'll be there for S. So no, im not afraid of her taking advantage of the time im gone because she's doing it now anyway.
If you get time, I hope you will read my threads about WW's.
I did, they really opened my eyes, they where a big reason that I stopped grovel lying and feeling like I was gonna lose her if I wasn't nice to her, I believed every word you said, and they all fit her to a T.
Ok, she just text me and said "what exactly is it that you want me to do? I ended things with him, I gave you my passwords. I'm going to see your therapist, I agreed to speak with My cousin. I'm giving you your space & agreed to sleep in the spare bedroom. Not sure what else you want from me"
Ok, I didn't see that coming.. Of course she left out the part where she's had three 30 minute phone conversations with OM in the last 3 days... I'm gonna hold of responding for now because I don't wanna f up now, and I don't know how to respond.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Great Job coconut!!! Good job on the conversation I will let the more experienced people give you advice at this moment But I will say whatever you do don't just rush back into R. Remember this happened for a reason. There were issues in the marriage. What were yours? Work on those. Thank about what you want in the future. Trusting will be tough and understand that it will take time. So don't rush into anything
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
If I were you, I would respond (wait 30 mins or so):
"Thank you for your message. It's not that simple. Please understand that trust is broken and you're going have to do a lot more than just words to earn my trust again. Your actions and behavior have been very hurtful for us, the marriage, and our family."
BTW, in reading the text message, I get the sense that W is trying to appease you. I'm not seeing any genuine remorse or making a concerned effort to win you back. She expects to snap her fingers and you'll come running to her. F*ck that! You are worthy of being chased because you're the prize here.
Don't you ever forget that, bud. It's stil the early stages and your W is still on a high from the OM drug.
Going to hit you with a 2x4 here. I think you need to check your ego a little bit. The bottom line is in this situation, she is going to disrespect you. Your key is to be strong enough to resist it.
At the same time, she is where she is because you were not supporting her emotionally or physically, so totally ignoring her is probably not the right path either.
I'll share something my coach told me. It is ok to try different things. Remember what works and do that more. Remember what doesn't work, and stop doing it!
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
A letter of no contact from her to OM is often a good action to see. It has to be clearly stated in the letter that there is no room for any further contact between them. It is up to her to determine how that can be achieved especially due to the firefighting. But no contact needs to be NO contact and then it needs to be transparent.
Take the time you need to decide exactly how you want to proceed. Wait for the gets to advise. You have done great in recent interactions. Almost textbook sandi.
You seem to be in a good place BUT don't assume the rollercoaster is finished. Many a WW have initially come across as wanting to save M only to revert just as quick afterwards. This is why you need to take your time and also why her actions are more important than her words.
Earlier in your thread you got a great breakdown of DBing from wonka. When you stop spinning reread these posts and set goals for yourself based on them. Both of ye need to change for this to work. Start your part now.
Best wishes.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thank you all for your support, my conversation with her today wouldn't have gone that way if it wasn't for Wonka and Sandi...
As for her text, I knew it to bs as soon as I saw it, for example:
She said ended with OM - but has had three 30 minute conversations since.
She said gave passwords - but first she deleted all texts, so now she can just delete new ones.
Going to see therapist - but put it off for a week and it's not until tomorrow
Agreed to speak with Cuz - but she hasn't talked to him
Agreed to sleep in guest room - the only one she's actually done
CRW, right now I need all the Ego I can get, it's tough enough going through this without breaking down during each conversation, I need all the confidence and strength I can muster. She just has so much anger that she never even comes close to breaking down.
CBTdad, I have been working on myself, the only reasons she's given me is sit on couch, tv, play video games, and lack of intamicy... (She didn't include drinking). I have been on couch for maybe 5 hrs in the last month, about the same amount of tv, haven't played a video game in a month, and I've only had about 3 days when I had a drink (although one of those days was a full on bringer at a park). I play volleyball weekly now, I've been to every family gathering (often first to show and last to leave), I bike ride like a mofo, work out with my S or alone, swim often, and I've been reading books on love languages, communication, etc., and as for physical intamicy, unfortunately I can't work on that right now . I'm really enjoying life (except for the obvious).
Roost, As for a letter of no contact, I'm assuming that will come after she comes too, ends the A, and gives heartfelt apology and desire to try and work it out.
. I'm really enjoying life (except for the obvious).