Marriage Slipping Away

[PacLove]

Looking for advice. I have a job that includes quite a bit of responsibility and high level decision making. This mess has made it extremely hard to focus on work. I probably have only done half a days worth of work per day for the last month. My employees under me have kept the ship steering straight but I'm concerned this is going to catch up to me. Does anyone have any tips or tricks to not let marital woes affect your quality of work? How do you maintain focus on the task at hand knowing you have a disaster at home?

Trg8,

I'm in the same boat - this has impacted me greatly in the last 2 months and I'm only 6 months into a new job at a Sr. level..... here are somethings I've found useful:

1) Set aside dedicated time to "vent/research/read" - outside of work or during lunchtime
2) busy work - this is hard at a sr. level since a lot of work is self driven/initiative/strategy, but if you can find busy work it helps keep the mind off things
3) Music - when I need to do strategic work I usually put the headphones on
4) If you're a Chrome user - get StayFocusd, it allows you to limit your time on these sites
5) Resist temptation to think/talk about it at work, I find once I start it spirals badly and before I know it half the day is gone
6) Workout - I usually take 45 minutes during my work day to hit the gym
7) Go for a walk - when distracted I go for a walk
8) Talk to people - not about the issues but about work, I find when I'm having meetings I can usually take my mind off things unless it's a big meeting where I'm only there for info - then my mind wanders.

That said I still feel that I'm about half as productive as I could be - so if you have anything that works for you I'd love to hear about it as well.

Good luck!

[PacLove]

I've been going through this for such a shorter time than most I see on here. I'm worn out and tired. My W is someone I don't recognize. I want normal again. How does everyone keep plugging along? At some point she has to realize I'm going to run out of gas and call it quits.

I'm coming up on 2 months in and 6 weeks out of the house... it's been a roller-coaster, and W is completely unpredictable. She hasn't been wearing rings for over 6 months - I should have seen that as a first sign after initial BD.

W says our R has never been good, lots of things that bug her, yadyadayada, but what I've come to realize it's more about the OM and less about me. I've been a great H for the last 6 months, she even said that (despite the neediness I showed) but I catered to her every whim, complimented her, listened to her etc... she still decided to leave and is now spending more time with OM then with us. That needs to fizzle out and die before any form of R rebuilds.

Any connections we have right now - are her purely checking in or are for her benefit to be with the Family. I endure some of it as I want to show her I'm still "there" and have an opportunity to validate her, but limit the emotional connections and try as much as possible to not let her call all the shots.

As for family, agree with Sandi - she'll put on a show much as my W has around friends. I have a a similar sich coming up with a relative of mine visiting but she's already out of the house, so will be interesting to see how she acts - as of now she hasn't really told anyone we are separated (although I have), going to be hard to dance around that when he's staying with us for 2 weeks.

[Trg8]

Will reply to last couple posts in due time but have urgent matter at hand. W said she was shopping today at mall but found receipt (took photo) from local shop for 2 bottles of wine, chocolates and a small bottle of perfume. None of which is in the house. Also found work schedule (took photo) She claims she's working until 11pm this Friday but schedule says until 4pm. I so badly want to call her out but was digging through her purse after she was asleep to get this info. How do I handle this? I am fuming thru the roof! I don't think I can do this any more.

[PacLove]

Will reply to last couple posts in due time but have urgent matter at hand. W said she was shopping today at mall but found receipt (took photo) from local shop for 2 bottles of wine, chocolates and a small bottle of perfume. None of which is in the house. Also found work schedule (took photo) She claims she's working until 11pm this Friday but schedule says until 4pm. I so badly want to call her out but was digging through her purse after she was asleep to get this info. How do I handle this? I am fuming thru the roof! I don't think I can do this any more.

I found similar stuff - my W I believe has since started leaving her receipts at the office - nothing to be found anymore in her purse. The more you reveal, the more they hide and makes it more difficult to find out any real proof of an A - if you haven't gotten it yet.

What I did was log everything in a spreadsheet, it's best to confront with non-specifics vs. specifics, and only when you have sufficient evidence to confirm an A. I did the trickle confrontation and it was not healthy and she in return rewarded me with trickle truth (sarcasm).

If I were to do it again, I would have gotten everything up front as quickly as possible - as much as I could and then confront with non-specific - I held back as I was in denial and didn't want to compromise her privacy and only randomly looked, but this only made the process longer (6 months) and probably allowed her to grow closer to him as she felt she was constantly being watched.

[CWOL]

I'm in the same situation, I have a senior position in a company with lots of responsibilities and stress. It has been very challenging with all this going on, and running the day-to-day operations as well. Your tips are somewhat helpful, if I can focus on tasks and try to think about things other than the D, it helps especially at work. But I have to admit to I'm running at 50% efficiency and especially with taking the AD which saps my alertness it hurts too.

We go on because we have no choice, this is the only route we can clear for ourselves...

[PacLove]

I think what keeps me determined - is knowing how important my career is not only to me but to my W as well - I was in a funk for about a year or so when I'm sure the A materialized. Not to rationalize that as the reason for the A, but I know part of fixing myself/GAL is being successful at my career - Women are drawn to successful men, so whether it's my W or someone else down the road - we need to stay positive and work hard and be successful!

[MrBond]

Have you ever read the DB or DR books?

[MrBond]

Still here?