Started to think my wife is having an affair?

[cbtdad]

My W and I have been doing an in home separation for a couple of weeks. We were separated back in 2013 for 6 months but reconciled. D day for me was 12/12/12 back then. I had my suspicions at that time that something was going on. I find that out to be true for sure in Feb of 2013. She had first slept with the guy a couple weeks before she asked for divorce according to her. But I also know they had been texting for 3 or 4 months before that and she admitted to sexting, etc during that time
We were completely distant before the separation the last time. I was a terrible father, wasn't providing, was verbally abusive. I take partial blame to leaving my wife vunerable to an affair the first time around. Although she still pulled the trigger.
Fast forward to this time around. There are some thing that just feel similar to me. 2 weeks ago she wanted to separate and "reboot" things. She said she just feels like she couldn't fight for it anymore. We agreed to continue seeing a marriage counselor for the next 8 weeks while doing an in home separation. We are actually getting along great, communicating better, etc
But I still go to my bedroom and she goes to her. There is no "romantic relationship" which she said she didn't want right now. She started as an EMT last year and is going to paramedical school to be a full time paramedic in couple of weeks. She was upset that I was not supportive and that I wanted her to stay at home. She said she didn't think she could make me happy anymore with the things I wanted. Like having another child, stay at home wife, etc
Couple these things with my continued criticizing and verbal jabs and here we are.
One of the things I have struggled with since the last time around is trust. Being able to fully trust her. It comes up and periods like me wanting to see her phone or checking phone bill. All the usual snooping that I should be doing.
But now because of how it went last time I cant get the thought out of my head that she is already seeing someone, texting, sexting, or whatever.
The signs I'm noticing like last time are a little different. And I don't know if she is doing just because she wants her privacy or what. I'm wondering if I'm reading too much into things because of last time.
But she is holding her phone close to her. Won't let me see it anymore. Always seems to turn it upside down when I'm around. When I was in the bedroom we never closed the bedroom door. Now she closes it every night. She hasn't worn her wedding ring in over a month.
At this point Im working on me. We are still seeing MC and I start IC next week. I really want to get a hold of these verbal abuse and criticizing issues regardless if M works out or not.
But infidelity is something I will not tolerate this time around. I will be done with the marriage 100 percent.
Problem is I don't know how to really bring this up with her, without her getting mad for not trusting her, etc
But at the same time the unknown is what is killing me more than anything. I want to work on our marriage, but I'm ready to let it go as well if what Im worried about is true. I also know that typically whats the point of bringing it up. It seems she is not going to tell the truth if its happening anyways. So what am I to expect
Just looking for some guidance from the board.

[Ralph88]

This situation sounds very similar to mine. Same thing she has at least an EA, asked for a divorce, I discovered, we reconciled, but sweep a lot under the rug. Same situation and feeling happened this time, Phone hiding, texting in the bathroom, leaving the house for hours to talk to 'mom and girlfriend'. I would say it is an EA if not a PA. Stop trusting her now!!! Where is TXhubby? He will give you the straight answer.

[Coconut]

cbtdad, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. The "not knowing" part is the hardest for me too. I'm new to this site and dealing with M issues, so I don't feel that I can provide advise that would be productive, but I've found that there are a lot of knowledgeable people on her who will stop in and provide some good information / guidance soon. Hang in there, and know you have a lot of people here that will support you.

[cbtdad]

That's the thing right? I mean I'm really wanting to trust her, but some things just feel similar to last time. But at the same time I wonder if Im just causing this anxiety because of last time. I will definitely say its different from the stand point of last time she wanted out. We were done, etc, etc
This time she wanted to just separate. She actually agreed to MC easily. But like I said, whats the point in asking when I know she would just lie but how do I move forward with my sanity of not knowing.

[J5K]

cbtdad,

First off read Sandi's 37 Rules. Lots of good things to follow there. Also read the links to detachment and validation.

I am sorry you are in this situation again. There are many vets that will give you good advice. Read as many posts as you can and learn from them, use them to create a positive change on you.

You are on the rollercoaster ride again.

[Coconut]

I can tell you that I asked several times, didn't do me any good, and even when she said no I didn't know if I could believe her... I never asked to see her phone, but I'm glad I didn't... I just got out and did things for me, it's only been a month for me, but I'm content with knowing that if there is an EA I can't do anything about it now, I need to get myself stronger first...

My wife and I will start counseling together in 2 weeks, I'm guessing my trust issues will be brought up then, until then I will continue believing there is no EA. Have you started getting a life, or do you have one? I've been using meetup.com to find groups with similar interests as me, and I have really enjoyed getting back out and having fun separate from her, it helps me although I do still have my struggles.

[cbtdad]

I've been doing GAL for years now:)
I'm very content with who I am on a number of levels. I need to work on a lot issues I have with my past and childhood things I learned unfortunately. Things that have caused some of this.
But to me its definitely different this time around. I'm not scared or afraid like last time. I'm ok with moving on. I've actually thought many times doing so because Im not sure she can make me happy with what I want. The thing that stops that is when she is happy I seem happy. We have a six year old and I don't want to just walk away. I believe that we owe it to him to at least try this.
But I do know that I will absolutely not tolerate an EA or PA this time around. So if that is the case I would be gone for sure.
I'm really 50/50 on rather I think this is happening. I think a lot of it could be in my mind from last time. I guess only time will tell. As for now I'm thinking I need to work on my issues and see how things play out. I don't see a need for rushing anything this time around.

[Ralph88]

I allowed my WW to cloud my head and believed some her lies even though they were completely out of this world. I'm not saying confront her or do anything crazy, but I am telling you that there is someone else. Like my WW, she has a history of it, and if it looks like fish and smells like fish, guess what? It's fish!

I would not make any rash emotional decisions though. Take a week for serious decisions and a day or so for less serious ones.

[cbtdad]

Yeah, that's what I'm trying to do. Just not rush into anything quickly before I know more. Like I said there are definitely some differences this time. Like her asking me if I'm ok with certain things, telling me what she is doing, when she is working, talking about future things. Yes, these could all be or some of them lies, but it's definitely 180 from last time when she would say its none of my business, etc and didn't want to work on things. This time she is saying she doesn't want things to end but shes just tired of fighting
So you can see were my confusing comes in. lol

[CWOL]

cbtdad,
Trust your intuition. I ignored/didn't want to listen to mine for too long, then dug and found out too late. Do your investigating and find out the truth. Chances are there's something there if she wants to separate.