I found out in February that my W was looking for a place to move. We have a D7. M for 12 years; T 14 years. At first I did all the wrong things (pursued, pleaded, etc.) until I came across this forum and DB and DR books. I still fall into the same patterns attempting to save our M. I absolutely fear devastating D7 and losing daily contact with her. I lost 20lbs due to the stress and anxiety. I have had 2 sessions with a DB coach. We are currently in the same house (separate BRs) with very little communication. No D papers filed yet but W has begun a marriage dissolution agreement and we have discussed a parenting plan (she has agreed to even time with D7). She wants to D without L. We still do family activities together and I am wondering if I should stop that for now... Last night, W said she found a house to rent and was going to put down a deposit. Unfortunately, I fell into some of the same behaviors in attempts to get her to reconsider our M. I am having a hard time focusing on me and doing what is best for me and D7. This has been a wake up call for me to work on myself whether we are able to R or not. I've been trying to GAL. I work from home so this has been difficult as I am usually the one who is home to care for D7 during the week. During the past 2 weeks I have been out when W expected me home and did not return her calls. I have also started dressing better in the AM even though I work from home. She said something is up and said I was lying that I wasn't going anywhere all dressed up. I told her that I was going to the store (which I was) and was not lying even got my bible prove (wrong again I know). She then said this is why we will never work. She started a new job about 2 years ago which is very social and this is when I feel things started to deteriorate. Lack of communication seems to me to be the biggest issue but it seems too late as she has told me she "is not in love with me anymore or attracted to me and how does someone get that back?" I am an attractive, professional man. Not sure if she is having an EA but have had suspicions. Not that it would matter re: a D anyway and would only hurt me more if I found out she was. Sorry for the all over the place dialogue and I look forward to any support/insight.
Me: 48 WAW:40 T:14yr M:12 yr d8 BD 2/2016 WAW moves out 6/05
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
poschan, I too am new here and I can't provide you much advice, but I will say the hardest part for me is backing off (especially since I work with my S). It seems the majority of advice here is take care of what you need to, then take care of yourself. I've been using meetup.com to get involved with groups interested in the same things I am.. As I see it, take care of yourself first, and then you'll get to see if she is something you want... I've been working out with my son and by myself, I'm in a better place than I've been in Years, and I now feel like I have a choice in how this goes down, it makes a difference...
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
I am sorry you are in this situation and I know first hand the shock of it all. My straight forward advice is to review and study the homework from cadet, review and study DR and DB. The most important thing to remember is that you must make the changes for yourself. Bar none this is the most important thing to do. It is counter intuitive. You will struggle and even make mistakes, but you must stick to it and change for you. Focus also on being the best father on the planet for d7. The time with her will provide strength and moments of well needed joy. You will need that energy to get through the emotional and mental roller coaster. D7 will look to you and will know your love as you do this.
Post regularly here as there is much good advice, caring people going through what you are, and sincere genuine support.
It will be challenging but hang in there and you will come out better for it on the other side.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
It's so tough. I also did all the wrong things with pursuing and begging and my W said it made her even more determined to go through with the D. I finally found this forum a couple of weeks ago and all the advice about improving yourself and GAL is exactly right. I work a lot from home as well and I was a bum around my wife, I'd wear jeans and t-shirts, wouldn't shave, would just throw water on my hair instead of combing it nice. Since she left I went out and bought a bunch of new clothes, make sure to shave daily etc. Also started going back to church and signed up for a softball and hockey league. My wife came over today to get our daughter and even mentioned how I have so much going on in May.
Who knows, it may not help save the marriage, both our W's minds could be completely made up, but at the very least you can say you improved yourself.
Goodluck!
Me-33 W-29 D- 2 M- 8 months, T- 3.5 years BD Feb 15 2015 S 4/12/16 W says she plans to file for d
Lack of communication seems to me to be the biggest issue but it seems too late as she has told me she "is not in love with me anymore or attracted to me and how does someone get that back?"
I'm sorry you're here - but welcome!
This one jumped out at me because there's a couple of things - one is what you can answer her: "What do you do if you're watching a fire die down? Run off to find one that burns higher or feed the fire in front of you?"
I think being mysterious would work to your advantage. It can be good if she thinks something is up, but be careful so it doesn't cross into manipulation. Just say that you realized you had gotten a little lazy and you want to take better care of yourself. A man who takes care of himself without overdoing it is very attractive to a woman.
Can you remember anything she used to compliment about you? Scents you used when you first met, particular items of clothing, beard/no beard? Use that and then be mysterious and GAL.
If you're the primary caretaker for D7, have you considered getting primary custody? Have you talked to a L?
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thanks Fin and Painter. It really helps to hear your feedback on things to change/try and to know that I am not alone. Sometimes the pain and anxiety seem so unbearable but I know that they are temporary and life will be fine know matter what happens, even though it might not be as envisioned. I going to look up the law of surrender as suggested by my great coach Lenni.
poschan, I can't offer you really any good advice. I've done a lot wrong in trying to move on and move ahead. Hearing your W talk about moving out and away from a house that you bought and moved into together, under the assumption that it was forever, is a kick in the gut.
I too, have heard pretty much the same words "...not in love anymore..." and "...how do I get that back?" I've been through the interrogation sessions about where I was going.
(come to think about it...we're not married to the same W are we?)
Anyways, the best advice I have is listen to the people on this website. They're amazing and they'll get you through the hard times. Don't rely on your W anymore for that, for now.
Stay strong. The next few days, weeks, months and possibly years are going to be hell.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
The most important thing to do right now is to get control of yourself and stop doing what doesn't work. We could give you the very best solutions in the world, but if you continue doing what doesn't work........you will get nowhere fast.
I can tell you that when a woman has had enough of a man..........the last thing on earth she wants is for him to start begging, crying, pleading, promising, etc. It causes her to feel more disgust than anything else......and I'm sure you don't want her having those type of emotions for you.
When she said she was not attracted to you, that did not mean you have turned into an ugly toad. It means that she doesn't feel desire for you, like she use to feel. Smothering her with your presence, being overly attentive, texting often, putting emotional pressure on her, etc., will only make things worse. She doesn't want to be around you, so work out a child visitation with her, and leave her alone.........for now.
There is something you must conquer, and that is the fear. It will prevent you from acting like a strong, confident man, and cause you to appear weak. That is not what either of you need during this ordeal.
Think about the man you were before getting M. Find him again......or else become better.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
