Hi all, I need some help. My husband of almost 16 years told me on 1/16 he wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I was blindsided. We have been struggling for the past year, essentially living as roommates. We discovered in hindsight I was in a depression, not suicidal, but just getting by day to day. We didn't fight. we have s8 and d5 and lived for the kids. I did an immediate 180. I had been digging myself out of the depression anyway and went into hyperspeed. I was happier, smiled, we went out socially, I talked to him everyday about job, hobbies, etc. (it is one sided though, he doesn't ask about mine, but talks openly about his stuff). I work FT, but do at least 1 hour of growth listening/reading/journaling each day. I see an IC and am working on GAL, but I pushed most friends away during the depression, so don't have that level of support right now or social life. We were intimate on a number of occasions, about 1x week, that were mutual. Monday 4/18 we met with a MC and my husband said he would go again. He is mainly concerned about the kids. By Thursday 4/21 husband didn't know who this new person was/is. He is confused, feels he can't trust this new person in the long run, still unhappy, and last week said he still wants to move out--but he doesn't have anyplace to go.The sex is just sex, and there isn't a spark. I was an emotional mess during that conversation and didn't help things at all. However, as I laid crying on the bed, he came and spooned with me and held me while I cried. Didn't say a word, and left when I got it together. We obviously still live together, he has been sleeping in the spare room most every night since the BD. Our kids truly are clueless, and in fact think things at home are "more fun" since we are doing more together. He has said the reason he stayed this long is because the "new" me is so pleasant and that is hard. The ups and downs are so hard. I read Divorce Remedy twice in the past few days. I don't know if I continue on the "pursurer" path, initiating conversations, non-sexual touch, a friendly text during the day (to which he generally replies) since that has somewhat worked- or if I need to back off-and to what extent as he is still wanting to leave. I don't understand the "nowhere to go." Our funds are split (long story), we are fairly comfortable, with good jobs, with most equity in the house. So, he couldn't buy a house, but certainly could afford an apt, or live with his parents or brother in the short term. We see MC again tomorrow. This [censored] as you all know. I have read most of the newcomer posts, and just need some support.
Age-39 both of us M:16 yrs T: 22 yrs S9 D5 BD-1/16/16 Still living in same house
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm a relative newbie to the DB stuff, so I can't offer much advice, but it sounds like you're doing an awesome job already. I think you're on the right track, just keep pushing forward. Good luck to you!
Pato2, so sorry you're here. But glad you're in the right place if you have to be. You've been given your homework, so get on it. There's a lot of good - specific info. It's great you've gone through DR as there's a lot to absorb.
This is the time to start to put those things in place linked to above, boundaries, distance, validation etc.
You've got to begin to distance yourself, he's got to learn that he can't have you and then when it doesn't suit him, not. By pulling away you should see if he begins to move towards you. If you can, get a DB coach. Every second is valuable. Please continue posting, feel free to give specifics. We're in this together. You've made a step in the right direction already!
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
I understand the detaching and distance. My fear is that he will consider that reverting back to my former, sad and distanced self. I didn't get up and talk with him before work this morning (which was something I have been doing for 2 months- he leaves at 6 a.m.). I also didn't text him today to check in or see when he will be home, as his work schedule varies considerably. I will monitor it and see if there is a change...
Age-39 both of us M:16 yrs T: 22 yrs S9 D5 BD-1/16/16 Still living in same house
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Pato, I too hear the same story from my W. She keeps saying she'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. Unfortunately, there's no real way to prove that some changes can happen - and be lasting. If you can continue MC (and you see progress) continue. In my case my WW only went to tell me there was no hope - and the counselor was not very good to boot.
If there's any way you can prove anything to your H, such as how you're battling your depression that could be a start. I'm in much the same boat and it's not been any easier going through a D. Stay strong, keep posting.
Me: 58 Her: 59 Kids: 0 Dog: 1 ILYBINILWY: 9/15 D Bomb: 1/11/16 (found out filed) Verified OM: 1/11/16 Moved out: 1/11/16 (thought it was temporary)
Hi Pato, Sounds really hard for you now. After reading this forum for past week, I am starting to feel SO ANGRY that we aren't taught in high school or ? the basics of the most important relationships in our lives - If we knew about the Gottman's therapy ideas and perhaps were given a copy ... thrown in for good measure, maybe none of us would be here!
Sounds particularly challenging for you since you have been together since you were so young. Do you think the MC you are seeing is a good one? I am terrified of MC unless they are Gottman trained or EFT or YEARS of experience with positive results. Anyone with a degree in counseling can do 'MC' doesn't mean they are good at it!
As someone who lived with a depressed person for years, I know if must be really hard to have anyone understand you. I'm rambling and not saying anything really helpful. Let us know how you are?
Last edited by Cristy; 04/27/1610:24 AM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc.
You are so smart to recognize that detaching and distance can be misunderstood as shutting down if not done correctly. Let you actions speak louder than your words. Be pleasant and neighborly without pursuing.
You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
