Hi there, I have been reading these forums for a while but this is the first time I have posted.
I'm very confused by by STBXH. We broke up in August last year. My idea.I felt that we had nothing left after 12 years together and were living like housemates instead of a married couple. I felt he was very controlling and didn't feel that I could do anything right anymore.I was absolutely at the end.
The actual breakup was all very civilised. He didn't try to talk me out of it and he moved out. I didn't even shed a tear.
When we broke up, we were pretty good financially. I think I must have had a MLC as well as menopuase!
I threw in my job and brought a successful recycled clothing business which I had said I wanted to do - he wouldn't even talk about it.
We sold our house within 3 months. I stayed there until it was sold. Everything was split down the middle and I brought another house. He bought a house himself at Christmas time. We had had minimal contact through all of this but were able to speak to each other.He did say when we broke up that he would like to be friends once the dust settled. I didn't see how this was possible but agreed.
Just before Christmas, (hadn't heard from him for about 6 weeks by this stage) he text me and asked if I had the lawn mower still as he needed it. I had actually given it to a friend as I thought he didn't need it. He was ok with this. He told me he had brought a house and that I should call in at "some stage" to have a look. He seemed friendly enough so I did just after New Year.
Went and saw his house - it's a bit of a project which he loves. He said he missed going out to dinner sometimes (can't actually remember the last time did that, but however) I said we can do that if he wanted. We went out for dinner - all very nice, easy conversation etc, then he dropped me home.
A week or so later he tells me he doesn't know what's going on with us. Me neither! Since I've had the contact with him again I ask myself if I could have tried harder.Then I remember the grumpy old man I was living with. We were both in tears. I asked if he would go to marriage counselling, he said it's something to think about. I left it in his court.
About a week later he called into my shop and said he can't go to marriage counselling. Not yet anyway.He might be able to go oneday..... But, he would like to stay friends. Why? Is it not better to cut ties? Now I'm all confused as to my feelings for him and one minute I'm up, the next I'm down.
Not sure what to do!
Me: 54 Him: 58 Together 12 years Married for 8 Second marriage for him - my first. 3 adult children between us. None at home.
Me:54 Him:58 3 Adult children between us. I am H 2nd wife. My 1st marriage. Married:8 Together: 12 Separated: 1 Aug 2015 Status: Separated In NZ we need to be separated 2 years before we can divorce.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Hi Robbity. Rare for someone to post after they were the one to leave. I'm far from an expert , so please take my post accordingly. IMHO you left this man and while it appears he still has feelings for you , I'm sure his ego is very much on the defensive
From my own experience , whenever my WAW / WW would even remotely bring up any talk of an R , my ego would jump in to ' protect ' me Maybe this is what's happening with your XH ? Wounds take time to heal and even if your XH didn't seem hurt at the time , I would imagine you asking to separate would have hurt him quite badly
Maybe take time if you want to begin a new R and let XH come forward in his own time. Just my humble opinion
When my husband walked away from our marriage without working on it I was devastated. You can read many of the stories here. Yes it was a blow to the ego, but even more because it made me question not only his characters but his failure at committing to his vows.
If husband was to return, In order for it to work, he would need to be willing to humble himself, take ownership that leaving the marriage was a mistake, take ownership of his flaws. He would have to be the one to show me that he truly wants it to work and will be putting the work into it. Not passively waiting for me to fix something he discarded. If he could not do this, I know our marriage can not ever work because he doesn't want it badly enough to.
And marriage is tough. In order for it to work, both people need to want it to.
Thanks for your reply - I don't think he thinks there is anything wrong with him though. It's all my fault for leaving.
He was completely unapproachable at the end of our marriage. I don't think I've got it in me to say I was sorry to someone who clearly is not.
He treated me like I was something he had stepped on.
Even writing this makes me wonder why I would want to salvage a relationship like that.
He needs to take ownership for his part in the marriage breakdown before we can even contemplate it.
Me:54 Him:58 3 Adult children between us. I am H 2nd wife. My 1st marriage. Married:8 Together: 12 Separated: 1 Aug 2015 Status: Separated In NZ we need to be separated 2 years before we can divorce.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hi not really sure what your asking. Do you want an R with him or not. ? Did he turn cold after you told him you wanted to separate or before that. If it was after then I wouldn't expect him to be particularly warm towards you
Seems that you need to decide what you want first and then move forward from there. Just my humble opinion
We have already split up - we are not living together anymore. Separate houses and lives so he is not going to see any browsing history etc.
And when we split up I had not long started menopause. It definitely changed my personality.Grumpy, short tempered etc. I am now taking natural supplements for this and am back to my normal self thank goodness.
We never fought at all - there were just these stony silences, I was too scared to rock the boat and felt I was submissive and bowed to what he wanted me to be/do.
When I say I was having a MLC - everything seemed to happen at once. It was like a switch was flicked and I suddenly decided I had had enough of being virtually ignored.
Let me fill in some blanks...
We had just become mortgage free. We both worked full time. I did all the housework, cooking, shopping etc and he never helped me with any of that. He considerëd it "womans work"
We had a motorhome which we never used as there always seemed to be too much to do at home. We had quite a bit of land which needed looking after.He did most jobs outside, except weeding the garden which was "my job" When the mortgage was paid, I said that I would like to cut down my hours at work so that I could get things done at home which would then enable us to be able to go away at weekends. His response to that was Ï won't allow that" Excuse me??? That was the straw that broke the camels back for me.
After that things happened pretty quickly - within 2 days I had phoned the lady who was selling the shop and went and saw a lawyer. I had brought the shop within a week.He moved out that week also. I threw myself into the shop and then saw a house that I wanted to buy.Our house went on the market within 2 months of the split.It sold straight away, so I brouht my new house.
I didn't have alot of time to be wallowing and thinking about what had happened - I was hell bent on forging ahead and living my own life.
Now things have settled down,it has given me time to think. Which has brought us to now.
Me:54 Him:58 3 Adult children between us. I am H 2nd wife. My 1st marriage. Married:8 Together: 12 Separated: 1 Aug 2015 Status: Separated In NZ we need to be separated 2 years before we can divorce.
I am asking is it possible to be friends with your Ex?
He isn't cold to me - a bit distant perhaps but I do expect that.
I'm not sure if I want a R or not yet. Maybe he feels that same?
I know we both still have feelings for each other but I feel that I am in limbo.
I'm all over the place at the moment with emotions and am trying to take one day at a time.
Me:54 Him:58 3 Adult children between us. I am H 2nd wife. My 1st marriage. Married:8 Together: 12 Separated: 1 Aug 2015 Status: Separated In NZ we need to be separated 2 years before we can divorce.
