New to this. Is it really MLC or just an affair?

[Lone77]

Hi Cristy

Thank you for your kind words. I am trying my best to be as strong as I can, to detach from my H who I also genuinely believed was my best friend and just to look after myself and my daughter.

I know, having read a whole lot of info, that I can't influence the outcome, that all I can do is focus on myself. This is easier said than done after so long together. It's still the first thought I have each day when I wake (from a maximum 3 hours sleep) when it again dawns that I've lost my H and my life as I knew it.

I am not placing too much focus on the OW, yes I've had the thoughts of how could someone knowingly get involved with someone's H but also appreciate that she did not betray me and our vows and I suspect was given a very different picture of our M than we were actually living.

My H even asked just months before BD to buy me a new engagement ring as the one I had from 19 years ago was now inferior to what we could currently afford. It just seems that he's achieved so much and we were so very fortunate that he had nothing left to achieve and had to run in search of something that would give him that buzz.

I know no one can say whether a PA will last, his lease on the apartment is up at the end of this month and I'm waiting to see if he moves in with the OW when this happens. From her perspective she still lives with her father although I understand he actually lives overseas. I suspect my H is fulfilling almost a father role for her, while in turn, being with a 20 something makes him feel young again.

I just can't believe how someone would throw so much away overnight, he seemed to have just decided he was going to do it and that was it. Has been splashing out on expensive gifts for the OW, far more than he's spending on his own D and obviously has taken her away twice, once spending more than a full month salary on 4 days away. It all just seems a desperate attempt to impress rather than being who he is and attracting someone for the right reasons.

I don't know much more about OW nor do I feel I need to. People have said he'll realise the grass isn't greener but it's been 5 months since he left and almost 8 since BD and apart from the crying to me intermittently, texts or emails from time to time saying how much he cares and how upset he is and sending song lyrics, from the very limited insight I have they're still happy together and forging ahead.

D has told him that she will never have anything to do with OW. His reply to this (on Christmas Day) was to ask what if she had a half brother or sister! It's as though he's incapable of seeing what's right and wrong and what he should/shouldn't be saying to D who had her father walk out just 6 weeks before! We'd also decided, having had D relatively young, that we now enjoyed the freedom we had and the extra finances and I could not imagine him going back to baby stages, he's too selfish with his own wants for one. It just all seems crazy behaviour. Then next thing he's texting D saying that he's not thinking about having a child at all, he's all over the place.

After so long it is total rejection and my self esteem is obviously at an all time low. I can't imagine starting over again and I have such little faith in anyone anymore. Given that this person I gave everything to and did everything for could do this to me how could I ever trust anyone else again? I'd always be looking for an expiry date, I'd never trust anyone or open up fully and I'd sooner be alone and know that whilst this is as good as it gets it's also as bad as it gets.

I don't know if I could get over his betrayal even if he turned around and said this was all a mistake (which I see no sign on). H is VERY stubborn and he would sooner stay unhappy than admit he's made a mistake. What I do know however is that there is so much unfinished business that neither of us will be able to shake this off, there will always be what ifs, guilt and regret (he's recently said this himself) yet seems to think it's too late to consider counselling.

I'm currently having a low point after he came to talk a few weeks back, it was not meant to be about the M but that's what happened. I listened more than speaking. He does seem all over the place and confused. He emailed saying about having to get to a place where he could say goodbye but that he's not ready and it feels so final. He apologised for upsetting me and messing with my emotions when I've come so far. I can't tell if he is of the view that the door is closed from my end (I have detached as previously said) or whether he's just trying to be nicer about leaving me rather than regretting.

It feels like my heart has been pulled out 😞

[Sotto]

Hi Lone77, I'm sorry to read your story which is an all too familiar one in the MLC part of the forum. Your H certainly sounds to be in MLC from what you post. I wouldn't encourage you to file for D unless there is a financial/self & family protection need - this is a marriage saving site after all and you need to live with the decisions you make.

My scenario is pretty similar to yours - my H also has an ongoing A with a woman 16 years his junior and has turned his back on all that we had. He sees much less of his S (around once a month or so?) who used to live with us at weekends. It's sad to see and for now his world seems to revolve around OW and a new set of friends - doesn't have much to do with his own FOO or older friends - most of whom weren't keen on OW as she has a chequered history (previous A with another guy, cheated on him with H etc..)

I would encourage you to have a good read over on the MLC part of the forum and also browse around online for info about MLC. We aren't able to post links on the site, but there is plenty of information out there about MLC if you look around.

It's important to recognise that there's not much you can do for him or your M just now. The A needs to run it's course and that may well take some time. It sounds like your H is a 'clinger' in terms of contact. He feels confused and wants to touch base with you,but not to give OW up. He's trying to keep all options open. Watch out for cake-eating with that aspect and be clear about your own boundaries.

Good for you - you have recognised that doing things for yourself is the best way forward and it sounds as though you have started on that path. I would also encourage you to see a L and be clear about options and any protection measures that may be needed. Do look after your own interests as your H likely won't.

There are many parallels with your sitch and mine - but ours has been a shorter M (H's 2nd) and we don't have kids together - though I was very involved with my SS for 10+ years.

Chin up, keep reading and posting and take care. He may be self-destructing just now - doesn't mean that you have to.

Xx

[TxHubby]

Don't take a passive approach. That's how affairs grow roots and are way hard to get ended. I know. Don't be his doormat. Don't enable his cake-eating. That's what he's doing. It will continue as long as you allow it to continue. Nobody respects a doormat. They pity them, they never respect them. You have to be willing to lose the M to save it. The passive approach never works. You're waiting for him to wise up all by himself and that rarely, if ever, happens.

[Lone77]

Thanks Sotto. I've already s/w a L, infact I'm one myself, although different area of law. I'm not rushing in to divorce, for one it's such a big few months for my D with her exams and hopefully university that I won't let her have anything else hanging over her.

For now he's paying virtually all the mortgage and bills plus maintenance for D and so there's no financial pressure to make me start anything hurriedly that I may regret. I don't communicate with him on a daily or even weekly basis and any contact is to the point whilst not nasty (that's not my personality). I won't get involved in a fight for him, currently he's not worth fighting over, he's not like the H I married 15 years ago. I maintain my dignity and standards. I always have the approach that I'll not give anyone any reason to say anything bad about me and I also need to be an example for my D.

I don't know what I want from it all, obviously I wish this had never happened but right now I don't know if it's the actual person I miss or just the comfort of our family life. I'm spending a lot of time trying to find out who I am as an individual, having spent all of my adult life with H I've kind of forgotten me as an individual, I became a wife and mum. I'm making myself a better and stronger person, I know that and I've got to grips with fixing things around the home so I'm getting on as best I can.

I don't know what the future will bring, I know I'll never ask him to come home but I would be prepared to attend counselling at this stage but for now I focus solely on me and my D. I'm not stupid I know that there's more chance this will end in D than not but I'm not ready or willing to take that step myself. I seem to remember the better 'or worse' part. Ok, I probably didn't envisage it being this trying but it's a huge investment emotionally to just walk away from. My life isn't on hold as I see it but I can't go against all my beliefs and start D proceedings. If I get to the stage that it's best for me and D then maybe that will change.

So sorry to hear of your sitch too. I've done so much reading and it's right what they say, we'd all heard of it but I seriously never believed that this type of thing really happened and not to ordinary people. Celebrities yes with their crazy age gap relationships but to people like you and I? It never crossed my mind!

Lovely to speak (ish) to you. Stay strong and sending you hugs xx

[Lone77]

D met H last night (their first contact in 25 days). Seems he's cycled backwards, she called on her way home crying uncontrollably. He'd been horrible to her, projecting blame and criticising her as a person. This was all in a restaurant. He was defensive of his A with the OW and told D he has a right to be happy and told her he'd been unhappy in the M.

D said he wasn't listening to her, looking around rather than focusing on her, not interested in her and even suggested that if they were going to argue then he'd rather not have a relationship with her! Then he confronted her about not having contact with his family, the family who should have been supporting D but cut themselves off and were, after all, the adults in this.

When they left one another there were no hugs or kisses and H would always finish by telling D that he loves her, which he didn't do. She also mentioned that any messages he's sent her haven't had a 'x' on them for weeks.

I know that he's cycling back and is deflecting from his own guilt by putting it on to D but it's terrible behaviour. I didn't get involved as I also know he'll have been trying to provoke a reaction, my therapist told me yesterday that D and I put him on a pedestal for all our lives. He'll therefore be missing the attention and adoration and that's why he'll keep trying to draw us in and seek attention whether good or bad, just as a child would.

It's so hard to stand back and not intervene, especially when D suffers but I know this isn't my problem or mess to resolve and I just keep D as happy as I can.

He seems to also be jealous of the R that D and I have, again this is probably adding to already present insecurities and so his answer is to be mean to D which pushes her further.

D thinks he's going to move in with OW soon, he's been renting for 5 months and his lease expires next month, she got the impression that they'll look for a shared rental. I suspected that would happen. He told D that he's told the OW everything and she knows he difficult he finds it after being with me for so long. I wonder how honest he has been however and if he's said about crying to me, sending song lyrics and emails. I won't get involved in that, a friend told me that she'd send OW the emails but I see no point, that just makes me look desperate and whilst I could be wrong I can't see that he can hide away his two personalities from her indefinitely.

Planning prom dress shopping with D for the weekend to keep us occupied and focused on happier things

[Sotto]

Hi Lone77, I'm sorry your D had that experience. In a 'normal' scenario, parents would be able to be the adult in that situation. However, for MLCers the focus is on self and there's an attitude of - I need to do this to make ME happy, can't you get with the programme?

Anyone who challenges choices at this stage may become sidelined - including kids and close family. When you say he seems jealous of the R you have. Yes, perhaps that's the case. He wants to be able to do all the stuff he wants to do - and enjoy the bond like you and she has - and is perhaps frustrated that he can't.

As for moving in with OW - well, it can't be nice to hear that. However, closeness is perhaps no bad thing in these sitches - as I think it's hard for both the MLCer and OW to keep up 'good' behaviour and this can lead to the breakdown of the R sooner rather than later. I read once that R's which began as A's are built on foundations of sand which tends to get washed away in the storm...

Hope you manage to find a lovely dress for your D xx

[Lone77]

Hi Sotto. H's actions are nothing less than I've come to expect. The hard part is that it's against D who obviously hasn't read the amount I have about MLC and so isn't able to detach from him or his anger.

I expected a grovelling text to her today as he's previously done when in nasty mode but nothing as yet. Before BD he was quite obnoxious to D and could go weeks without speaking to her over the smallest things. He is the opposite of what he was as all the material suggests he will be. I've given my D snippets re MLC but it's that balance of not wanting to get her too involved but also helping her to try and not take what he says to heart.

We had a lovely day today anyway to make up for last night, brunch at the beach, shopping, lunch and prosecco. (We live in the UK hence time difference).

Moving in with the OW is no big deal to me. I suspect she's in his apartment a lot anyway and given they've gone away etc together it's not as though it really changes things dramatically. I've also read the same comment re the A and the unstable basis of the R based on infidelity. I wonder how H can swap his masks from how he was with D last night and the knight in shining armour I expect he is with OW.

I actually feel sorry for him, he is losing the most precious thing he's ever had in our D. If/when he ever wakes up to the reality she may/may not want anything to do with him and it'll devastate him if he ever comes out of this place he's in.

How's your current sitch Sotto? xx

[Sotto]

I'm in the UK too Glad you and your D had a nice day.

I post in the MLC part of the forum and we've just settled our financials. H filed for D last Sept and I expect him to apply for the Decree Absolute any time now. He's still with OW and all our comms are by email and text. All pretty pleasant and he seems regretful about ending our R - doesn't seem to hate me. I haven't seen him for 18 months or spoken with him for a year. I keep in touch with my SS though and his Mum.

I GAL a lot and have made many new friends. Life is generally good and I'm pretty happy in myself, and not sure that I would want to R in all honesty.

Enjoy the rest of the weekend xx

[Lone77]

Today has been a good day, infact, the weekend has been lovely.

After D's experience Friday with H it could've been a downer but the sun has been shining and we've been out and about.

Decided my next project are the gardens. H started it but never finished (it coincided with the loss of his dad). I've picked up some supplies today and it's my project for next weekend. It's likely to be my last summer in this home I love so much (H has not actually asked me yet when I intend selling it, I can't afford the upkeep on my own and with D hopefully going to university it's too big for just me anyway). I'm going to spend the next few weekends making it look lovely (outside more than in after the winter months). I intend making as many happy memories here this summer before D flies the best as I can. I'm determined there'll be long nights with plenty of wine, laugher and music. I'm leaving this place on a high!

So far as H is concerned, not a word from him since the whole showdown Friday with H. He's definitely cycling back currently. This is the longest that he's gone after a fallout like they had without contacting D though which is strange. We've had a lovely weekend together though and whilst little snippets she's mentioned show she's still deeply hurt over what he's done and how he's acted, she's been good company and pretty upbeat.

Feel like I'm back out of the rut I was in earlier this week, long may the sun continue to shine to keep this mood going

[Lone77]

Been feeling good this week. H being so horrible to our D last week has helped me out of the rut I was in after his pouring his heart out and crying to me in the few weeks before. I know it sounds crazy, but when he's in the 'monster' mode I don't miss him and don't feel I'm missing out on anything.

He contacted D 4 days after he'd so badly upset her, no apology though, just asking when she's available to see him. She's understandably not bothered currently. She's got a lot of anger and hurt at the minute. I'm trying my best to help her but can't help but feel annoyed at H that he can just shun his responsibility so easily and leave me to deal with it all. It's taking its toll on me so I'm taking 2 days away on my own, catching up with friends so I can focus on me. It's hard getting that balance but I know I'm spreading myself too thinly and I need to look after myself.

H put a social media on yesterday with a picture of a baby and an over the top message wishing her a happy birthday. Totally different to his 'normal' approach. I didn't recognise the child and later discovered it's the OW's friend's baby. He's making a new friend base of 20 somethings and going out of his way too. Pity he didn't think to wish his old best friend (who he's known for 36 years)'s daughter happy 18th 2 weeks ago. This is definitely washing his hands of all his old and loyal friends and finding a brand new bunch. Quite pathetic really and very insensitive for D given how he's treating her. The OW's friend's baby gets a nicer approach than his own D.

Had some movement financially this week, he's eventually sorting out a transfer of ownership of stocks that were solely in his name. Given his spending on the OW this is a comfort to me as I know that mind and D's future will be secure no matter what. There's still lots of other financial stuff to sort such as house etc but even if the worst happens and even if he blew everything I know D and I will be ok. I'm putting us first and have to.

My main issue now is not my own hurt or upset but just frustration at being the one with all of the responsibility while he acts like a 20 year old and also the way he's treating D and lack of involvement with her. I know I can't change either so I just try and switch off as best as I can.