After 3 days of calm and actually having an adult conversation over the division of finances Wed. evening, WAW started to appear angry as we went to bed. I ignored it, but saw the anger in full force yesterday morning as I greeted her in the morning and asked if she was doing alright. My mistake, but I noticed that she was up all night as she went to the couch and returned to the bed several times in the night.
She replied in all the glory that is her angry behavior that she was just fine and that I did not need to worry about her. I just turned and smiled and remembered my coaches advice. No expectations and treat her like I might treat a sister. I care about her, but her responses and behaviors are not mine to be affected by.
My D17 texted me at lunch as usual to see how I am doing and when I asked how she was, she replied that she was doing great and having a great day in spite of a rough morning with her mother who behaved bitter and cold and ignored D5. I replied that I was glad she was having a great day and was able to put the morning behind her. She replied that her mom just texted her and apologized and said that she was tired, but feeling better.
When I arrived home, I was told that WAW was taking my daughters to visit their cousin who was in from out of town. I said okay.
A couple of free hours for myself was a welcomed opportunity for me.
As I was reading some DR and just relaxing, D17 texted me "I ticked her off last night by calling you to pick me up from the church" I replied to the text "Goodness Gracious, Have fun tonight"
Wow, these are the things that are setting off the WAW's anger and childish behaviors? Is it just me or is childish behavior the theme here? I am struggling to follow all of this. I dropped my D17 off at the church and told her to call me, as I would be at home with her mother. She called my cell phone, that my wife answered, and this is what spirals her moods out of control?
D17 came home and shared that her mother went on a rant how that hurt her and how she was always there for D17 and was her taxi, and that calling her father just hurt her.
I told my daughter that I no longer know what to think about this and advised her to do her best when talking with her mom, but I can't advise or interfere with their relationship.
Anyway, I am so focused on detaching right now I can not wait until the heart and feelings catch up with the brain and logic, because my head hurts as it seeks out the logic of all of this. Now I know how Mr. Spock felt when his logical brain could not align with the emotions of those around him. LOL All I can do is laugh right now, but my heart just hurts. How did I get here again?
Last edited by Cadet; 04/08/1607:59 AM. Reason: Link
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Oh, SadHub. I'm sorry to hear that you got the anger again.
It's all about childish behavior and self absorption for our spouses right now. It's all about what's important for them and their needs, and to heck with anyone else. Sorry, I'm feeling a little bitter right now, given my own recent interaction with my H, but I can completely relate to what you're seeing with your W.
I am working so hard to start detaching, too, but it really is so much harder than advertised. You're totally right - the brain knows what it needs to do, but the heart and emotions just don't follow along.
H: 44, Me: 45 Married: 20 y Together: 25 y no kids Walk away: 12/15 Asked for temp separation 12/25/15 PA confirmed 3/16 (apparently neither the first, nor the last PA he has had) H filed for D 5/16
I hear ya! If only the heart could give way to these logical thoughts. I'm sure they will at some point. Wish there was a way we could hit ft. Thank god for this forum so we have a safe place to venture to and seek advise.
I also agree on they act on their feelings. They don't consider those of those around them, their families feelings take the back burner because "they're not happy". Why oh why their logical thoughts don't kick in. This fog must be a deep one!
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
I am copying this from another thread from sandi2. I wanted it in my thread for reference as I am going to ingrain this into my way of thinking and acting. I have had some recent confrontations with the angry WAW where I did lay the boundaries and set the tone about being respectful and got results, and other confrontations where I did not and it really blew up in my face. Reading sandi2's explanation makes it all clear now. Thank you Sandi2 this is invaluable insight.
Quote:
Did you read the threads about help for the LBH'S who have a WW? I thought I talked about this, but maybe I didn't. There are at least three areas I have found that all WW's have in common. Resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. The first two can be in her heart for decades or less than a year. Those attitudes grow and continue to build a monster. Finally the monster comes out and she display some type of rebellion against her H and their M.
The H cannot make her stop rebelling, no more than he can stop her resenting him for things that happened years ago. As is stated very often, you can only control yourself. The H has so much more power than he gives credit to himself. Power that only a strong, confident male has with a woman. It comes from his inner being and shows in his speech, attitude, body language, and interaction with her. His very voice and how he uses it, can show he is in charge and has authority. That is why it is so effective in how soft and tender he sounds......to lowering his voice to give a totally different affect......to raising his voice in sternness. Most women are sensitive to a man's tone of voice, and will take her clues from it.
His body language is another part that can be very effective, especially when dealing with a WW. (Mind you, that anything I suggest never includes any form of abuse). A man just standing straight and looking her eye to eye and refusing to look away or glance downward, can be effective. But I am already getting too long winded, so just read about body language, b/c it can be powerful.
I really started out to say that a man has to toughen up, if he has been too soft with his W. If she has a sense of entitlement, he needs to stop spoiling her. If she speaks disrespectful or shows it in any form....he needs to address it immediately. Enforce his boundaries. If he has no influence in the smaller every day things, how can he expect to influence her in the bigger issues? One reason many women are wayward is b/c they got away with too much for a while......maybe a long while. The H was too easy-going or passive and now she's a crazy b'tch and still running the show.
So, if she is still under the same roof with him, he has to command respect in his household. That is first and foremost. She doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to love him. But she does have to respect him if she is going to live under his roof. And being wayward, she is going to challenge him worse than ever before. He cannot afford to get slack and let something slide.
No matter what she says, she eventually will start to feel respect for the H who stands up to her and won't allow her to get by mistreating him. Oh, she'll never tell you. That is why I am telling him. She may be mad enough to blow a gasket, but inside she does respect him for acting like a man. (I know some guys hate to hear that term, but I don't know a better way to say it). She truly wants a man she can admire, and she cannot admire a guy who she can treat any old way and he continues to cater to her. Do you see where I am going here?
Before she stops her rebelling, she has to have a reason. Either she suffers from her rebellion, or she sees a better option. Something that she will want so badly that it will turn her around to get it. The mistake nice-guys make with a WW, is they don't understand what they have to do to become the man she really desires. They think like most nice-guys think, and they take a soft touch approach. By the time they get to the DB board, almost too much time has lapsed. They have this idea they will do such & such to win brownie points with her. Therefore, they become more like an unpaid employee instead of a man/husband who is the head of the home. This totally disgusts the WW and she is more turned off than ever before. The harder he tries to be good enough to win her favor, he pushes her further away. Then he wonders why she got involved with some sorry bum.
IMHO, I believe the WW has to experience a little of both.......suffer loss and see the better option. With the WW having the mindset that she does, she has to think that she is losing her H, or could lose him. As long as he's available and chasing her and letting her eat cake.......that's not going to happen. He has to find the man he use to be before M and remember why girls were interested in him. It wasn't b/c he fell at their feet and worshipped. It wasn't b/c he begged them to date him. It wasn't b/c he smothered them with his presence. And if a girl even acted like she wasn't interested in him.....he was gone. No way would he hang around her, trying to get her to like him! That's the guy her H needs to find.
If her rebellion has direct affect on him, she should suffer the consequences, just like a girlfriend who went behind his back and cheated. He would not have tolerated it. If nothing else, he should exclude his WW in his activities and end all the whole "doing things as a family" routine. He definitely needs to enforce boundaries.
I think it's when the WW knows that she can't manipulate her H that really has the strongest influence. When he stops falling for her temp checks, stops catering to her trantroms, and sees through her trying to play him that really starts the ball rolling in his direction.
Will it make her stop rebelling? That depends on her. She is completely self-centered. As long as she gets whatever she wants.......then she probably won't stop long enough to straighten out her M before she utterly messes up her life. But when her fantasy turns to ashes, and the fog clears......she will see what she's done. I believe the H can affect how long or short the fantasy lasts. The more he enables her, the longer it lasts. The test is mostly up to her.
Most LBH'S are wanting to show the W how much he loves her, how cooperative he can be, how much he can change and be whatever she wants him to be. What they apparently don't understand is that this is not the time to show her love. He doesn't stop loving her, I didn't mean it that way. But he has his priorities backward. First he gets her respect. Then he gets her attraction, and next he gets her admiration. When she is stops rebelling against him, the M, and standards they live by....and when she is ready to do whatever it takes to save this M.....then he can visibly show just how much he loves her. Without first having respect, everything else is in vain.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Amen to that Cherry! This forum and the wonderful folks on it do lend some great advice and support. And we know they do so from a place of having experienced it, not just from the outside looking in.
I agree about the fog. It does cloud the judgement and logic of our loved ones. But we have learned what we can do to positively influence them to come out if they so choose, but more importantly it will help us gain the strength to survive and thrive on the other side no matter what the outcome is.
We will come out on the other side. And now we know how to do it for the better if we stay focused and work day in and day out. As Michelle says in DR, be sure to see the small wins.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Just some musings of a LBH this fine Saturday morning as I struggle to ward off the depression and manage some anxiety/panic attacks.
My mind keeps wandering to interactions and experiences with WAW from our 19 year marriage. You know, the interactions where I do it all wrong and can see that now in the replay. It hurts my heart and brings on a great rush of guilt in seeing it. I then start to wonder if it was that interaction, or that other one that finally broke the camels back and then started the domino affect that has led to these sad and difficult situations today.
As I sit and ponder on this, I can't help but think, that I now get it.... you know.... the answer to the age old question we all ask when we are watching a horror movie and the characters in the movie start heading into that creepy house that we all know is where the start of the horror will begin. We all ask the same question in that situation..."Why the he// are you going into that creepy house!??!" You know that nothing good will happen by going in there. But, alas, they always wander into the house and the horrors that follow, hardly realizing why they are doing so.
I guess that watching the movie from the outside always makes sense, but when you are in the midst of it all, you just can't seem to see the disaster that will ensue due to poor choices, conversations and actions you make. And now I relate to those characters in the movie as I live my own daily horror show. I walked into the house of horrors over 19 years never paying attention to my lack of emotional connections with my sweet loving wife.
Anyhow, my spiritual leader, continues to advise me and encourage me to seek out forgiveness for myself, so that I can accept my errors, and learn from them and move on in a manner that changes any poor behaviors from the past. In this I will find peace and be able to change my future behaviors to be a better person. If only I knew how to release the guilt that I feel.
Today I am working and it has provided way to much time to think as it is super slow here at work, but I am looking forward to running a 5K this evening with my D17. It will be a welcome distraction and a way to flood my system with those good chemicals that exercise does, so I can rid myself of these anxiety induced chemicals that are currently taking over my system.
Have a wonderful day everyone, and chin up, look forward and be strong for your other loved ones that are in your life. You owe it to them, and you deserve to be happy regardless of the painful decisions that our spouses are making now.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Anyhow, my spiritual leader, continues to advise me and encourage me to seek out forgiveness for myself, so that I can accept my errors, and learn from them and move on in a manner that changes any poor behaviors from the past. In this I will find peace and be able to change my future behaviors to be a better person. If only I knew how to release the guilt that I feel.
Hi SadHub I read your sitch and I lived what you are living 9 months ago. I too have 2 daughters and a WAW-MLC / bipolar / alien abducted spouse.
Trust me this is not your fault. Your wife is broken and reading about her brother and her family, there is nothing you could of done different to avoid this trainwreck. You could of been Romeo and the best father in the world this would of happened anyway. Your wife missed basic skills in dealing with life and problems as a child . Now she is at a point she can't handle it and it's causing her pain and termoil. Sending her into a crisis that will affect your whole family. It's hers to own and fix.
I know you will be the stability your girls need right now. To end this cycle and avoid your girls repeating later on as adults what your W is doing. Your D17 reminds me so much or my D15. Wise beyond her years.
You know your faults, fix them for you and your D's. Your W has a long way to go and so much to learn. She like mine never gave you a clear reason why she is leaving. To her the relationship and you are the cause of her pain. She will project and spew things onto you. Don't let it get to you. Stay strong .
Having V here is a plus. Keep posting for you and for the lurkers that read your story trying to understand their own
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
All I can do is laugh right now, but my heart just hurts. How did I get here again? 
