Ok, new thread... the old thread left off with me realizing that my W isn't hurting, she is rebelling and I need to find my balls and swag in that order and GAL so I can stop thinking about her. Because the more I focus on her, the less I can focus on me. How can I get her to stop rebelling?
Melo: Everyone here is going to say we can't do anything about them. We can only work on ourselves. So we need to kick our butts and make ourselves more attractive and let them think we are moving on too.
If we try and influence them - it will be seen as meddling, controlling, manipulative and it will be guaranteed to fail. So let's keep moving forward.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Ok, new thread... the old thread left off with me realizing that my W isn't hurting, she is rebelling and I need to find my balls and swag in that order and GAL so I can stop thinking about her. Because the more I focus on her, the less I can focus on me. How can I get her to stop rebelling?
I almost laughed when I read the last two sentences. Not laughing at the situation, but just how it reads.
Did you read the threads about help for the LBH'S who have a WW? I thought I talked about this, but maybe I didn't. There are at least three areas I have found that all WW's have in common. Resentment, disrespect, and rebellion. The first two can be in her heart for decades or less than a year. Those attitudes grow and continue to build a monster. Finally the monster comes out and she display some type of rebellion against her H and their M.
The H cannot make her stop rebelling, no more than he can stop her resenting him for things that happened years ago. As is stated very often, you can only control yourself. The H has so much more power than he gives credit to himself. Power that only a strong, confident male has with a woman. It comes from his inner being and shows in his speech, attitude, body language, and interaction with her. His very voice and how he uses it, can show he is in charge and has authority. That is why it is so effective in how soft and tender he sounds......to lowering his voice to give a totally different affect......to raising his voice in sternness. Most women are sensitive to a man's tone of voice, and will take her clues from it.
His body language is another part that can be very effective, especially when dealing with a WW. (Mind you, that anything I suggest never includes any form of abuse). A man just standing straight and looking her eye to eye and refusing to look away or glance downward, can be effective. But I am already getting too long winded, so just read about body language, b/c it can be powerful.
I really started out to say that a man has to toughen up, if he has been too soft with his W. If she has a sense of entitlement, he needs to stop spoiling her. If she speaks disrespectful or shows it in any form....he needs to address it immediately. Enforce his boundaries. If he has no influence in the smaller every day things, how can he expect to influence her in the bigger issues? One reason many women are wayward is b/c they got away with too much for a while......maybe a long while. The H was too easy-going or passive and now she's a crazy b'tch and still running the show.
So, if she is still under the same roof with him, he has to command respect in his household. That is first and foremost. She doesn't have to like it. She doesn't have to love him. But she does have to respect him if she is going to live under his roof. And being wayward, she is going to challenge him worse than ever before. He cannot afford to get slack and let something slide.
No matter what she says, she eventually will start to feel respect for the H who stands up to her and won't allow her to get by mistreating him. Oh, she'll never tell you. That is why I am telling him. She may be mad enough to blow a gasket, but inside she does respect him for acting like a man. (I know some guys hate to hear that term, but I don't know a better way to say it). She truly wants a man she can admire, and she cannot admire a guy who she can treat any old way and he continues to cater to her. Do you see where I am going here?
Before she stops her rebelling, she has to have a reason. Either she suffers from her rebellion, or she sees a better option. Something that she will want so badly that it will turn her around to get it. The mistake nice-guys make with a WW, is they don't understand what they have to do to become the man she really desires. They think like most nice-guys think, and they take a soft touch approach. By the time they get to the DB board, almost too much time has lapsed. They have this idea they will do such & such to win brownie points with her. Therefore, they become more like an unpaid employee instead of a man/husband who is the head of the home. This totally disgusts the WW and she is more turned off than ever before. The harder he tries to be good enough to win her favor, he pushes her further away. Then he wonders why she got involved with some sorry bum.
IMHO, I believe the WW has to experience a little of both.......suffer loss and see the better option. With the WW having the mindset that she does, she has to think that she is losing her H, or could lose him. As long as he's available and chasing her and letting her eat cake.......that's not going to happen. He has to find the man he use to be before M and remember why girls were interested in him. It wasn't b/c he fell at their feet and worshipped. It wasn't b/c he begged them to date him. It wasn't b/c he smothered them with his presence. And if a girl even acted like she wasn't interested in him.....he was gone. No way would he hang around her, trying to get her to like him! That's the guy her H needs to find.
If her rebellion has direct affect on him, she should suffer the consequences, just like a girlfriend who went behind his back and cheated. He would not have tolerated it. If nothing else, he should exclude his WW in his activities and end all the whole "doing things as a family" routine. He definitely needs to enforce boundaries.
I think it's when the WW knows that she can't manipulate her H that really has the strongest influence. When he stops falling for her temp checks, stops catering to her trantroms, and sees through her trying to play him that really starts the ball rolling in his direction.
Will it make her stop rebelling? That depends on her. She is completely self-centered. As long as she gets whatever she wants.......then she probably won't stop long enough to straighten out her M before she utterly messes up her life. But when her fantasy turns to ashes, and the fog clears......she will see what she's done. I believe the H can affect how long or short the fantasy lasts. The more he enables her, the longer it lasts. The test is mostly up to her.
Most LBH'S are wanting to show the W how much he loves her, how cooperative he can be, how much he can change and be whatever she wants him to be. What they apparently don't understand is that this is not the time to show her love. He doesn't stop loving her, I didn't mean it that way. But he has his priorities backward. First he gets her respect. Then he gets her attraction, and next he gets her admiration. When she is stops rebelling against him, the M, and standards they live by....and when she is ready to do whatever it takes to save this M.....then he can visibly show just how much he loves her. Without first having respect, everything else is in vain.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Bravo - Sandi2. That was awesome. I'm going to read that over and over again. I'd really like to read more about the body language. Is what you posted part of the original homework or can if be found somewhere else.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Sandi2: Are there any threads about tone of voice too?
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Wow! Thank you so much for your insight! I have read the post like 4 times and am trying to internalize it. It's scary, but it makes sense. Thank you again Sandi!
You and I will kill it. Maybe just try one thing at a time buddy. My DB coach said it's consistent actions that make a difference. Better we start slow.
M:50 W:53 MR:20 D:21 S:17 S:11 BD-Sept 2015 Suspected PA Sept 2015-Confronted W & OM Dec 2015 Actually EA In house Sep:Jan/16-May 2016 W moved out:May 22 2016 OM-Intro Oct/17-On scene July/Aug 2017
Some great advice from sandi there Melo. I am quoting it on my thread as I see it as a way to calm the beast that I am dealing with.
I will check in on you to see how it is coming as I will be working on it as well and maybe we can share some successes with each other so we can practice until permanent.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Thanks for being here with me through this biz and hub. Today I tried setting a boundary, without stating it. My W was talking about $ and she got upset. So I said, " I would like to help you, but I won't talk to you while you're angry" and then I walked away. About 1/2 hour later she said she was sorry for acting like that, she was just frustrated with her finances. I validated, didn't say ok or anything. I also just left to play pool with a family friend (her cousin's husband). I was super nervous because I didn't tell her about it beforehand, I kissed the kids and then said see you guys later ( W said ok) and I left. I hope she didn't see my nervousness (not very manly).
