Hi, I am in coaching right now. I need some quick advice. My wife is the walk away spouse, and I am trying the 180. However, my wife wants me to come over and do taxes. I have plans tonight and suggested with do them two nights from now. She said she wants to do them herself tonight, and for me to drop off the paperwork. I don't really have the time to do that though. she just sprung this on me today. I don't want to create any conflict. What should I do?
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
CRW your story above is very confusing so I'm not sure what you're looking for. If I understand it correctly, your wife wants to do taxes tonight and asked you to bring over paperwork, and you have plans and don't have time to bring it over -- is that correct?
Here is what I would do: I would tell her that you didn't plan on having everything prepared tonight and you have plans to go out, so you don't have time to pull everything together and bring it over, but you will be able to bring it to her by [pick a date].
If she doesn't like that and let's you know it, validate her feelings (I understand this is frustrating for you because you want to get it done tonight etc. etc.) and then perhaps propose a compromise -- i.e. "I will pull the paperwork together and leave it on the front table of my house, the front door key will be under the mat. Feel free to come by and get it while I'm out, just please lock up and return the key when you leave, or you can wait and I will bring it over by [pick a date]"
Do not cancel your plans.
That's what I would do.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I am trying to make myself sparse, but then she immediately complains that I am not communicating about the kids enough, so it is kind of a tough line I am walking right now.
A little more background on my situation. I had changed into a very negative person the last year of our marriage. I would say I stayed the way until about 6 weeks ago. I honestly feel like I had a spiritual awakening, and am so much happier than I was. So I would say because of that, I have pulled a legitimate and sincere 180. things are really far gone, as in we are separated and have already filed. However, since my 180, she has shown interest again in what I am up to and some of the lightheartedness and humor has returned. then last weekend she and I were texting about the kids, and for some reason in the middle of the night I texted her and said, 'want to talk'. She said 'not right now, what's up'. I just said not to worry about it and told her goodnight. She called me first thing the next morning asking what I wanted to talk about though, and seemed disappointed when I said 'just more about the kids'. Now, I really am not sure what I wanted to talk to her about, I just wanted to talk to her I guess.
Long story short, things are very far along towards getting divorced, but is it too far gone? I hope not, because I truly love her. My 180, while strengthening me 10 fold, also made me realize that I do still love her. It also made me understand what that really means, when I don't think I got it before.
I'd love to hear thoughts from others.
thanks Craig
Last edited by Cristy; 04/15/1612:53 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
Me: 38 y/o W: 38 y/o Together: 10 yrs Married: 7 yrs S1, D3, S15(hers previous, I adopted May'15) WBD: Sep '15 W's EA confirmed Oct'15 W Filed Dec '15 Personal awakening Mar'16
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
