I posted this in a forum that I thought was more for those of us that have "moved on" from D, but it looks like it is not a very active forum. I am hoping to get some input from some DB veterans who may be checking this forum. Also, I hope the experience from my sitch may be helpful to newcomers out here.
Wow. I can't believe it has been nearly 6 years since I posted in here. At that time, I was fighting for my marriage and hurting bad. This forum was a great survival tool. I am not sure how many are still here from that long ago, but thank you to those that were here for me--praying you are finding God's peace wherever you are!
I am not sure if this is the right forum to post this, but I thought I'd give it a try. My divorce was final in Fall of 2010. She was re-married within a year. We have two kids together and, although not what you would exactly call best of friends, had at least been cordial enough to co parent.
I did a lot of healing and focus on myself. I did meet someone very special during my healing time and our friendship turned into a relationship, to a recent engagement. We have done a lot of life together over the last 4 years.
I am not sure what snapped in my former spouse (FS), but about 6 months ago she started issuing law suit threats (for more child support--even though she earns more than me) and threats to sue me for debt that I had discharged in a bankruptcy that I needed to file after the D. Sure enough, on my 50th birthday, she filed four law suits against me. I retained an attorney, and the first response to her claim for more child support was to rectify the child support situation. In the original filing, she had filed improper forms so that I ended up paying her CS. We have 50/50 joint custody, and due to the income disparities, per law here in our state, she owed me CS. I was so broken and hurt during the D that I never had the courage to have it modified. Being a new and stronger person--this time I stood up to her and had the proper paperwork filed.
This angered her to respond by countering with changing the custody. The only way she can collect CS is by taking time away from my kids by changing the parenting time %.
In the meantime, this has caused for a hold on my current situation. The court situation will work itself out. I am a good father and her anger and vitriol only hurts her case.
As I work through the case, I am hurting over the pause in my current rel. I started looking through my old DB techniques and found value in some 180 techniques that will help me heal and become stronger for her as this sitch works its way through, but I was hoping for some input on some of my concerns in doing the 180.
GOING DARK: Part of the her past has been cheated on by two former husbands. Sometimes I feel going dark will make her insecure that I would have met someone else during this time apart.
ACT AS IF MOVING ON: Another area of insecurity I fear. I mentioned some ministry work I was doing one time as part of continuing with life, and she got very defensive "what else don't I know about what you've been doing? You dating now too?"
The truth is, I feel much of the 180 really will help me be stronger. But I also don't want to "play games" with her. We have built a very strong friendship and have done a lot of life together as friends--before the rel. But I also recognize there is healing that needs to take place in both of us--and a situation that needs to be rectified with the ex in order for a new life.
Sorry for the confusion. I want the current relationship. We are on hold largely because of the drama caused by what has recently developed with my ex-wife.
Sorry for the confusion. I want the current relationship. We are on hold largely because of the drama caused by what has recently developed with my ex-wife.
That is why I am seeking input here. I think there have been times during this relationship that I may have been a little over-bearing in our relationship. I think there is still healing that needs to take place in her--especially in the area of trust based on her past experience with being cheated on.
Perhaps "going dark" is not quite the right words..."going dim" perhaps? A comment she had made to me in the past was "do you want me, or do you just need someone"? Pulling back yet remaining faithful may allow her time to heal, allow me to heal more, and help get this thing behind us with the ex once the court issues are settled. However, I also fear it will backfire if she feels that my distance is a sign that I am seeking someone else or have found someone else.
Then again, maybe some of the DB principles are not applicable in this case since we are not yet married. I am just opening up out here. This forum was very helpful to me six years ago when I was going through the D.
We have shared a lot over the years. I have been the most transparent with her than anybody. When our friendship turned into a relationship, we remained transparent with each other. But when this drama ignited with my ex wife, it eroded into anger on her part.
I have been feeling like what I thought was sharing was more dumping. The stress was impacting her health and her work. So my thinking is to pull back, go deal with this, and come back when there is less drama. I guess that's what I would classify as going dark, but not so much in a way that is a pure DB technique since we have a strong foundation of friendship.
I guess i am curious why allow the drama to have this affect on the new relationship.
Is there more to this?
I tried not to let it affect the relationship. Since we had such a close friendship, I thought it was something that we would walk through and support each other together. But the non-stop actions of my ex got to her; caused anger that started as anger at the ex, but then spilled on to me. She was especially angry that I had not handled this years ago when it first started. I was in a different place back then and am paying the price for not being as strong as I am now and standing up to the ex.
That being said, I am trying to minimize any future damage that may occur until things get resolved or at least calmed down with the ex.
