So, there may be some journaling for a bit...this is getting tough.
XW and I agreed for her to pickup S5/S2 today at 12:30 at my house. We also agreed that they would eat lunch at my house so that they could get back to her house by 1PM for S2 naptime. At 12:15, I had lost track of time at the playground with the boys and we stopped at grocery store 2 blocks from my house to grab something for lunch. At 12:30 on the dot, XW calls and asks where we are. I explained the situation. Her response for me was to "wait there and she'd pick them up in the parking lot."
I said the boys were really hungry and was there something I could pick up for her at the store for lunch, inviting her for lunch. I said I was going to throw some stuff on the grill for the kids (it's beautiful today) and I would need only ten extra minutes...and that if she was in such a hurry, they could eat in the car.
Her response was that she had planned on taking them to lunch and that they would not be eating at my house.
Well that's when I had enough. We agreed that they would eat with me and she was lying.
Regardless...being the doormat that I am, I put all of the food back and returned to my home with S5/S2. When we got there I told XW that I only asked for 10 minutes and that we agreed for them to eat with me. Her response? "We agreed that you'd feed them by 12:30....you didn't, so now we're leaving."
I said if you acknowledge that we agreed for me to feed them, how can you argue that you need to leave right now bc you planned on taking them to lunch? I asked her to please stop with the power moves and it's only hurting the kids. S5/S2 were in the car at the time, but I definitely was speaking louder than I normally do.
She said the kids are the most important thing in the world to her and to not accuse her of otherwise. I decided to remind her that next week on her spring break from work, she is deciding to go to Chicago with her boyfriend instead of spending her time off with the kids. Well that didn't go well.
About ten minutes after she left, I got slammed with text messages.
"I'm dealing with two kids who want to know why Daddy is so mean to mommy, hope you're proud of yourself."
"You are a deplorable person who just told your kids mother that she is a scumbag." (I never said that)
"You swore you never wanted this life for your children, how said for you that you have chosen this path.'
"I hope you realize the damage you are doing to the children you claim to love so much."
There are more but I'll spare you.
I have to admit, I feel completely f****d. I really don't see how I won't be under this woman's thumb for the rest of my life. I let her walk all over me out of fear that she will pull the kids from activities here in my town where the go to school. This fear is paralyzing. I let her "win" to keep her happy, hoping that she won't use the boys as currency.
As of December 2023 Me: 45 XW: 43 S13 S10 ILYBINILWY: 11/14/2014 OM: 11/14/2014 D process: 12/14/2014 D final: 04/2015
I remember reading your sitch when you were back in Newcomers because Theoden used to post to you and I always enjoyed reading his advice.
When I read through this episode - I guess this is what sticks out to me. You're fighting battles you can't win, but not engaging in the ones that you can.
You are not going to "win" any kind of argument with your XW right now, no matter how logical or "right" your argument is. Don't put yourself in that position. Once you asked if the kids could stay for a few minutes and she said "no", you should have probably just let the issue go. (And just as an aside, I have to be honest, if my XH wanted to keep the kids for a few extra minutes because he lost track of time and offered to feed me as well, I probably would still take a polite pass and feed them myself.) Right now, she is going to follow your agreement to the absolute letter when it suits her. So - you need to be prepared to follow it to the letter as well.
That brings me to your fear about her pulling the kids out of activities. I believe that you have 50/50 physical and I presume you have joint legal custody? Remember you have just as much say in this as she does. I went back and skimmed your previous threads to refresh my memory and I don't see much mention of a lawyer. Do you have one? You should. Particularly since you seem to be dealing with a pretty high conflict situation. I would be documenting absolutely everything. Every time your kids say they are hungry and she didn't give them breakfast etc. Do you have right of first refusal (when she goes out of town or can't watch the kids you should be the first option). I know your D is final - but people still go back and amend the agreement sometimes - and it sounds like yours might need some more structure. A lawyer can advise you on what's possible and what is not. Why live with all that anxiety and fear if you might not have to?
