Kirk, I am going to make a statement that may sound crazy to your ears. This is not the time for you to be telling her how much you love her, or even to tell her you want to save the M. At this time, the more you tell her you love her and don't want a divorce, the more it will push her away. Talking about the relationship does not work. Every time you have a R talk, it will set you back. You may wonder how things can be resolved without talking about it. It is through your behavior.
She doesn't want to "hear" anything about how YOU feel. She doesn't want you to start doing all the housework or buying her flowers, etc. She doesn't want you being her doormat. She needs to see you as a strong man. Not the physical muscles, but the inner strength. Women need their men to be stronger than they are.
I suggest you not make any proclamation about how you are going to change. Don't send her a letter, pouring out your heart. It does no good, whatsoever.
You need to do some deep soul searching about your own issues and fix them. If you need therapy, medication, or whatever.......do it. The more you focus on her affair, the less you are focusing on yourself. Don't misunderstand, I am not suggesting that you act as if this affair is okay. I am saying that the real problem existed before the affair. The affair may end today, but it would not be an automatic fix to the real issues in the MR.
You cannot persuade her to stay in the MR with talking. Your words mean very little to her. All she will notice are your actions. You cannot "nice" her back. You cannot be vindictive and expect her to want you.
Right now, your male reflexes are screaming to do something, ANYTHING.......but just act. It is a dangerous period b/c you don't have enough DB under your belt yet, and you could actually make matters worse by reacting to her affair.
Let me ask some questions about your MR, before the affair. Which one of you put the distance between you emotionally? Me Who would you say wore the pants in the M? W How was the sex life? once a month for 2+yrs
Did you ever feel your W spoke disrespectfully to you in front of your sons? Yes Did she ever speak to you through the kids, when you were sitting in her presence ("Tell your father such & such")?No Did she make snide remarks about you to friends or relatives? Yes Did she ever show any type of disrespect toward you when out in public? Yes
Would you say your W held resentments toward you? Alot
Turning to another man is a red flag that she felt no connection with her H. She had unmet emotional needs. She has given up hope that her H will be the man she needs. She has a lot of resentment toward her H. She has lost respect for her H. She has become a wayward wife. Understood
What do you suggest i do, separation agreement is not finalize, and i know W has all the trump cards. Also i did some digging and she is wasting away all the money in the bank. but i have proof this was during and after the A, dissipation of M funds law would be easily proven
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
I am a little confused about the separation. Did she kick you out?
I suggest you get your finances protected ASAP! Do not trust her about anything. This is not the girl you married.
Have a lawyer who will fight for father's rights. You need to know if you leaving your home will affect anything.
There are varying opinions about exposure. Some claim it worked in saving the M, some don't. MWD does not support it.
Use this time wisely. Not in pursuing her, but in your own personal improvement. Why did you fall back into the "same old"? You need to get your sh't together, before trying to have a R with her. KWIM?
Get a life! When you don't have the kids, get out and do things you haven't done in a long time. Go places, try new activities, have fun. People who emotionally survived their ordeals have claimed that GAL is absolutely necessary. Besides being good for your own mental health and esteem, it makes you much more outgoing and interesting. It can also work in stirring her curiosity, and help make you appear a little mysterious........which appeals to most women. But bottom line is it's good for you!
I do suggest that you not burn your bridges or put stumbling blocks in the road back to reconciliation. People usually do those things when they are angry or reacting to the emotional pain.
It is important to read the links Cadet posted.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
the rumor of A is spreading and some of her childhood Friends have disowned her. but WW now states, she knows who her Real Friends are(A enablers). She unfriended my friends from her list, probaly from embarrasment. I have only told 3 frieneds that did not leak. only i know of 1 that leaked. WW confronted me about this , thinking i am blabbing around. but i have not.
i talked to her yesterday , stating we both made this M fail.i called her a bullly in the marriage, thats the reason i avoided WW, not because i wasn't attracted to her. and that was the vicous cyl. i think she got it.
she is determined to move on, still saying ILYBNILWY. and wants to remain friends. Stating all WW friends cant believe how civil we are.
i called out her A was more than a Txt EA, she denied it... (WW said it was just a TXT EA during the A and she did it "right" (leaving me), but i said i have evidence(iphone clould backup and i have a copy of her phone) that it was more than a phone EA. she asked not to tell her parents. i said yes i wont.
the K are obviously acting out , ie. fighting, getting sick or pretending to be. yesterday she calls me to calm down the S12.(S12 and S10 fighting) and thanked me, i waited 15min to respond , before i did WW said "im sorry for bothering you" I said "your welcome"
Next morning (per her request) text back and see how S12 is doing. WW replies" he is fine, this is just a hormoanal thing and he ate a bunch of candy, thats why hes acting out" tcha right.
WW stated, im trying not to get upset with them (WW was a (controling W)yeller at LBS and K, WW is stating things are getting better with the K but its still a wrk in progress. WW then thanked me for being there last night.
WW calls me again "S6 wants to say happy easter" S does, then WW asks "sorry for bothering you last night, are you mad?" LBS" no... i ll see you at 8:00, i gotta go"
8:00 today we are to meet for the division of property agreement. in a public place. WW went to her lawyer and "calculated" the divsion and wants to show me.
Questions. 1. why all of a sudden she is calling my phone all the time, after my "i know everything" speech 2. is she eating her cake by calling me to "talk to my S to be a phone in Dad" 3. i am very wary of the div of property, i dont want to get ripped, but laws wont her to allow it. 50/50.
Boundaries. tonight i will be stating my boundaries to her. - OM has facebook liked pics of WW+S11 , also pics of S11 by himself (twice). i will be telling WW to tell OM to Unlike those pics of my S - OM must not have meet K's for play dates etc, if she wants this A, K must not meet him.
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
Kirk, I am going to make a statement that may sound crazy to your ears. This is not the time for you to be telling her how much you love her, or even to tell her you want to save the M. At this time, the more you tell her you love her and don't want a divorce, the more it will push her away. Talking about the relationship does not work. Every time you have a R talk, it will set you back. You may wonder how things can be resolved without talking about it. It is through your behavior.
She doesn't want to "hear" anything about how YOU feel. She doesn't want you to start doing all the housework or buying her flowers, etc. She doesn't want you being her doormat. She needs to see you as a strong man. Not the physical muscles, but the inner strength. Women need their men to be stronger than they are.
I suggest you not make any proclamation about how you are going to change. Don't send her a letter, pouring out your heart. It does no good, whatsoever.
You need to do some deep soul searching about your own issues and fix them. If you need therapy, medication, or whatever.......do it. The more you focus on her affair, the less you are focusing on yourself. Don't misunderstand, I am not suggesting that you act as if this affair is okay. I am saying that the real problem existed before the affair. The affair may end today, but it would not be an automatic fix to the real issues in the MR.
You cannot persuade her to stay in the MR with talking. Your words mean very little to her. All she will notice are your actions. You cannot "nice" her back. You cannot be vindictive and expect her to want you.
Right now, your male reflexes are screaming to do something, ANYTHING.......but just act. It is a dangerous period b/c you don't have enough DB under your belt yet, and you could actually make matters worse by reacting to her affair.
Let me ask some questions about your MR, before the affair. Which one of you put the distance between you emotionally? Who would you say wore the pants in the M? How was the sex life?
Did you ever feel your W spoke disrespectfully to you in front of your sons? Did she ever speak to you through the kids, when you were sitting in her presence ("Tell your father such & such")? Did she make snide remarks about you to friends or relatives? Did she ever show any type of disrespect toward you when out in public?
Would you say your W held resentments toward you?
Turning to another man is a red flag that she felt no connection with her H. She had unmet emotional needs. She has given up hope that her H will be the man she needs. She has a lot of resentment toward her H. She has lost respect for her H. She has become a wayward wife.
i have realized that me begging is pushing her away. i am 100% GAL now, i have decided to show her with my actions instead of words.
i put the distance from WW, WW wore the pants, i was the passivve agres H, WW was the controlling W. Sex life was dismal, 1 a month or 2, WW stated it was mechanical and it was not love making. WW had lots of resentment towards me, WW felt she did everything in the house
* here is the kicker, WW thought i was G@y, i told her my therapist said i was not and i am going to a sexu@l therapist in 1 day to "make sure", when i dropped that she broke down, most likely in guilt of what she has done.
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
I am a little confused about the separation. Did she kick you out?
I suggest you get your finances protected ASAP! Do not trust her about anything. This is not the girl you married.
Have a lawyer who will fight for father's rights. You need to know if you leaving your home will affect anything.
There are varying opinions about exposure. Some claim it worked in saving the M, some don't. MWD does not support it.
Use this time wisely. Not in pursuing her, but in your own personal improvement. Why did you fall back into the "same old"? You need to get your sh't together, before trying to have a R with her. KWIM?
Get a life! When you don't have the kids, get out and do things you haven't done in a long time. Go places, try new activities, have fun. People who emotionally survived their ordeals have claimed that GAL is absolutely necessary. Besides being good for your own mental health and esteem, it makes you much more outgoing and interesting. It can also work in stirring her curiosity, and help make you appear a little mysterious........which appeals to most women. But bottom line is it's good for you!
I do suggest that you not burn your bridges or put stumbling blocks in the road back to reconciliation. People usually do those things when they are angry or reacting to the emotional pain.
It is important to read the links Cadet posted.
i have read all the links 2-3 times, i am implementing them. GAL setting boundaries standing up to WW, no more door mat. trying to not let her eat her cake.
where i live it is no fault separation/divorce. 50/50 of property and K visitation cannot be ever taken away. even if i leave the home.
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
Boundaries. tonight i will be stating my boundaries to her. - OM has facebook liked pics of WW+S11 , also pics of S11 by himself (twice). i will be telling WW to tell OM to Unlike those pics of my S - OM must not have meet K's for play dates etc, if she wants this A, K must not meet him.
Well first of all, are you and your WW going to be separated, or not? B/c if she's moving out, you can't control what she does on FB. She'll laugh in your face if you tell her this is your boundary, and then the OM will laugh, too! Seriously, what can you do about it?
I won't go into everything right now, b/c it could get confusing. I'll just say that when a WW has agreed to end contact with OM and work on the M, then there should be a transparency plan in place. Blocking the OM from her FB, would certainly be on that agenda. As the H and a father, your job is to protect your family. However, if she removes herself and the children from you, the home, and your protection as her H and head of the family......then you are very limited. It becomes two homes. Your home and her home. The kids have two homes, and they have two sets of rules. They have your set of rules and her set. They have your family and friends, and they have hers. What she does in her home and with her friends are her business. Unfortunately, unless you can get a restraining order, you can do nothing to control who she allows around the kids.
This is not about a transparency plan. You are wanting to stop OM from "liking" photos on your WW's FB. You can't call it a boundary if there is nothing you can do about it. Sure, you can tell her you want it to stop.....but she will tell you that it's her business and you can't control her.....and then she'll probably block you from her FB. I have seen newcomers go around their house crowing about this & that being their boundary, and the WS laughing behind their backs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
so update. I backslid, arguing, lying etc. all the qualities WW hated.
After 5 weeks of anger, frustration, I awakened today, not caring about WW and OM. OM and WW spent the weekend at the MH, i wonder what the neighbours are thinking....
I've also learned who my real friends are and my gossipy friends are. the ones that keep their mouth shut and give advice/support and the ones watching my life as a soap opera and spreading gossip. which in turn created a major backslide. she is now the town gossip. and some of her friends disowned her. she blamed me for spreading the gossip.
She has sent homework when I picked up the kids. since I was the fun dad and no responsibilities, while she slaved away as a single mom. jealousy?
Even though WW is in her selfish fog. I conceded in some of her wishes for me to be a responsible dad(180). Returning the kids clothes cleaned, completing homework with them. but she conceded on one wish i had. major break thru! she will have them fed before i pick them up, and in the summer i can have them longer and i will feed them. thus relieving her rushing to prep them for pickup.
one 180 i noticed is i got a "stylish" haircut, and S11 got a haircut similar to mine, and she posted on FB. we've been spying "sharing" kids pics on FB.
Am I giving in to her wishes? or am i showing empathy(180)
Is WW really that dumb to have OM over 4 weeks after I left. I wonder what other dumb moves she is doing. ie. going out in public.
Me 41 W 38 S5 S11 S13 M10 T16 03/06 B drop 1, OM found 1 mth in 03/06 Physical Seperation
