Unsure of what's next

[anime92]

Instagram* not instaura

[iwad]

We actually are not friends on Facebook or LI. We had some issues with that awhile back and I decided it was not a battle I wanted to fight when things starting going downhill after his depression hit in July.

In fact I don't have a FB account, haven't since last summer because I felt it was just causing too many problems.

With the distance, I am not sure my M has much chance of surviving since we don't have the opportunity to see each other. A few texts from him with not much said and the dreaded phone call later tonight.

A growing part of me just wants him to send my the papers and have this be over. I find myself too tired to keep up with the yo-yo. I REALLY don't want to have the call - I almost prefer sending a text that says "Just file" and being done with it.

This call just has so much pressure on it and I know its just going to be him telling me we need to get D and how should we go about it. I don't know what to say to make a difference.

I feel like I am going to be sick...

[Cristy]

Hello iwad,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

Have you already spoken with him on the phone? If not, postpone the call until you have a firm strategy in place. Buy yourself some time by not answering when he calls. You could follow that up with a quick text saying that you are in the middle of something and can't talk right now, include a if that is your style so it doesn't come off as mean.

You are at a very fragile point in this relationship and it would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[anime92]

I am in a similar situation. Young marriage/relationship and it is more than likely about to have a huge distance between us. You are in the same country, he don't like SF...

if you believe in the marriage you have if you believe in your bond. I would say don't give up! Practice the methods and if something isn't working do something else.

I would say get your Facebook back even if you aren't friends with him it will allow you to be "social" you can share your good days on facebook and then you can look back on them for encouragement. And if you are friends on FB then you can show him how you have accepted this situation and are moving forward.

I myself am struggling with the same advice I give but it is what makes sense. As much as I feel my world is crumbling around me, I do everything in my power to put a smile on everyday and say it's going to be a good day.

I know you can do this! Go out and get a new dress/outfit and just feel pretty get yourself taken care if spa day whatever you prefer. This will get your spirits back up. Go out with friends. Be the best you possible. That's the best solution I think. If he see's you in a new light that could chane everything

[iwad]

Thanks anime for the empathy. Distance makes everything a bit more terrifying that is for sure, but giving someone space I think does help them think about things with more perspective.

I have been working with my DB Coach Joann (insert amazing) and felt prepared (well as well as I could be), for my call with H - knowing it would set the tone going forward - thanks Cristy for the advice!

I approached it "as if". Stayed calm, validated, and listened...FOR 2 HOURS. It was hard not to defend myself, but instead I bit my tongue and was just very agreeable. I had decided before the call that I was going to be okay with or without H, but would prefer it be with H and I let this attitude shape the call before the phone even rang.

As we were talking (really him, I feel like I maybe only talked for 10 out of the 120 minutes) I made it known that although I do not want the divorce, I understand that this is what he thinks is right and I would cooperate.

This took him aback (do something that will shock them). Then suddenly it became, well I don't "want" a divorce I just don't know what else to do.

He asked me why the change in attitude. I replied, I am making changes to improve me for me, not for you. I will continue to make improvements regardless of where our relationship goes.

SO MANY 180s!!! I felt really proud of myself for sticking to my script and not backsliding.

I was clear that from the beginning of the call towards the end that he felt less sure about the absoluteness of D. I thanked him for the call and then HE asked if we could talk again in the next few days. I said I was pretty busy, but that he could call on Sunday if he wanted, and he said he would (we will see if he does).

Now I know this is a small baby step, and not to run away with it. The bigger step I think was truly believing that when I said I would be happy with or without him (prefer with) that I meant it.

[Lostman]

Awesome job! The baby steps forward are so powerful. You can SEE how effective it really is even though it feels counter intuitive.

Now let that positive vibe snowball and keep working on you. There are so many more things you can do that will make you proud of yourself.

Your H will notice changes in you. You don't have to tell him about them. You will start to feel better and more confident.

Keep doing what you are doing!

[iwad]

So... as not entirely unexpected... he asked to call me today (after our last call). And instead I get a text that says "Can I call you tomorrow".

How should I handle this? He does tis often when he says he will call me and then doesn't and I feel like if I am too agreeable, with a reply like "Sure" then I am not really acting 'as if' I am moving on.

Instead it is almost rewarding the bad behavior, no?

Should I just ignore it?

[Sparkls]

You could say something like "I'm really busy tomorrow, how bout the day after."
That way it's on your terms, not his. And he doesn't get the reward for being able to chose when he calls.

[Vanilla]

You are miles apart physically and in different time zones.

This is the choice that you have both made it seems. Relationships and M thrive on contact and love.

You have no facebook or Instagram connections with each other.

D is mentioned.

What plans did the two of you make before your H moved for his job to maintain your connection with each other?

What plans did you have to be together in the longer term?

What was your time frame?

Your plans to have a family?

As always you can say you don't want to answer and that is ok.

V

[iwad]

Thanks Sparkls, I always look forward to seeing your inputs. That's kinda what I was thinking as a response, ultimately I just fell asleep last night and didn't respond at all... not sure if that was the best idea.

I just got a knot in my stomach, where I thought the last call was positive, and then this was a set-back. The yo-yo I guess.