Is anybody else having trouble posting? For some reason I can post here but I can't reply or send messages to anybody in the SSM site.
Perhaps I have been cut-off for being too anxious, pushy, and horny...
here's a message for MPT that I couldn't post:
Thanks for the advice MPT,
Although I have some doubts about the simplicity with which you present some ideas for me, I really appreciate the thought you put into responding and I will definitely put your advice into action with more conscious effort.
I have realized something though, that if she leaves me one day it won’t be over sex, it will be because she feels the differences in our core values have reached unwieldy proportions. I’m not sure that I would have the backbone to leave her under any circumstances, even if I was extremely unhappy or being abused, although with-holding sex may be a form of psychological and physical abuse, that is, if you consider that neglect is abuse .
Last night was rather strange. My wife got the kid hooked up with staying over at a friend’s house so when I got home I was surprised and quietly pleased with the news, thinking (but not letting my hope jump up and down too much) that maybe she was interested in a romantic evening since we were alone (doesn’t happen much). I was wrong because although we had a pleasant dinner with wine, candles and nice conversation I noticed a hostility flaring up and down. I suspect pms may be rearing its ugly head. Anyway, I don’t know why I’m starting to ramble about nonsense. I better go now.
I noticed that the post on walk away husbands would not allow for a response - perhaps the hosts have shut off this thread?
I have very much enjoyed your posts and the many well though out responses to them. Many of the issues you are dealing with are common to readers- I don't believe there are any magic answers for this situation.
Anyway, with respect to your wife's views on your core values, the drastic changes in her values and her view that you should change to meet her new value/belief systems seem to be quite odd. I don't believe that you can change your core views/values merely to satisfy your wife's changing ideals. You can not really pretend to change your values for any substantial length of time either, I believe you would become frustrated or resentful about having to think the same way as your spouse merely to keep peace.
I also doubt that your wife would be any more sexually inclined if you fully shared her views. From your posts, it would appear that she has lost or misplaced her sex drive. Could be hormonal changes occuring earlier in life than you would have expected. Could be some other issue, doesn't seem clear at this point. Anyway, seems like there are many issues in your relationship and that your wife has become overly demanding. . In order to maintain any emotional balance in your life you will have to find inner peace and confidence through dealings with your friends, family and/or at the workplace. Otherwise, you will be constantly frustrated trying to gain acceptance and understanding from your wife.
With respect to a romantice life, until your wife is willing to consider improving this aspect of your life (through either an attitude change and/or a doctor's prescription, if necessary) you will be a very frustrated man - I know because of personal experience. Maybe your wife will want to change at some point, but until that magical day, I think you will have to either put your touch needs on hold and suffer through the frustration of your situation or find some other way to have your touch needs met.
Sorry for being so negative, but that's how I see it.
Glad you posted this. I think it is just Sooner's thread. It may have gotten too big. I've tried to post to it and noticed that only the Edit worked.
Don't know that I really put that much thought into my response...maybe you meant that as a joke . The path just seemed straightforward to me. Keep it as simple as possible but no simpler. If good conversation attracts her to you, it may not matter what your actual position is. I don't know, but it's something to consider.
Quote: Last night was rather strange. My wife got the kid hooked up with staying over at a friend’s house so when I got home I was surprised and quietly pleased with the news, thinking (but not letting my hope jump up and down too much) that maybe she was interested in a romantic evening since we were alone (doesn’t happen much). I was wrong because although we had a pleasant dinner with wine, candles and nice conversation I noticed a hostility flaring up and down.
hmmmmm....here's a different interpretation. She was trying to set things up for a romantic evening. Hoping her desire would kick in. It didn't. She got frustrated. Some (many) people act angry when they are frustrated. Maybe?
You have gotten a few little steps in your direction. She's expressed some sympathy for you. She's given you information about what leads to greater attraction (or what she thinks might lead to greater attraction). And maybe she tried to set up a romantic evening. Nurture those little steps.
MPT (muppet? I'll have to think about that one. Not too many female muppets to pick from.)
Quoting AchingMan:Perhaps I have been cut-off for being too anxious, pushy, and horny...
Aching Man, You crack me up LOL
Sooner just got locked out of his post because it grew too big due to us trespassers.
BTW, I don't think anyone can change their core values even if they tried. Your W appears to be trying to reach out to you by talking, romantic dinners etc. Maybe you just need to relax a little instead of feeling like a time bomb all the time AND you should also listen to MPT. She dishes out great advise. She continues to amaze me with her insight, I am sure Sooner will agree. LH
Let us all rise up and establish a new order! or at least a new thread for Sooner; we’ll call it “SOONER AND LATER”, in honor of our fickle sex drives!
Luvhub, Muppet, Lowrob,
I was thinking that one’s core values are constantly flowing but most people’s are like Mississippi mud, slow and heading one direction, but for some it is like a Southwest flash flood; a big storm hits or the climate changes and the torrent rushes along with rocks, dirt, and cactus, wiping out everything in it’s path. It can hit in minutes, without warning, areas that were once safe and dry. I believe one can change one’s values by decision but generally even after deciding to make a conscious effort it is a very long process that may take a lifetime.
I consider myself a pretty open person, in spite of my ultra conservative background and family. If it just doesn’t feel right to change a core value, you can’t do it. Life’s circumstances might do it for you. I am a long ways from the closeminded ignorance that I was raised in but not moving fast enough to keep up with a torrential woman.
I should clarify that my wife didn’t make or suggest the romantic dinners or put the candles on the table, I did. I usually make dinner. I enjoy it most of the time. We often have dinner like this(as a family), without any romantic leanings, sexual or otherwise. We simply have a nice time talking, sometimes about trivial daily activities, joking and generally carrying on in a way that would leave a lot of women that I know on fire, ready to melt. And yes, she definitely gets pissed when she’s frustrated.
Good conversation does provide a nice social lubricant between us but it often switches really quickly from a long wonderful day together to a slammed door and me sleeping alone if I’m not saying the right things. If I actually bring up any contrary points or my opinion is skewed from hers, it quickly goes down hill. In one of my last posts I mentioned I suspected PMS... well, I chuckled in irony the next day because her period started that day.
It’s all just chemistry, folks. But how do you get someone to go to the doctor to get their hormones checked if they are adamantly against it? She actually told me she didn’t even want to feel turned on; that it would just be a distraction.
Unfortunately, I have a really hard time disconnecting myself from my wife, she is so much a part of me that these troubles are like having a chronically aching limb that doesn’t always work right. It hurts and frustrates you but you can’t do anything about it. (and it won’t go to the doctor...ok so there are some flaws in my metaphors)
From the descriptions of your wife, she behaves in a very similar way to mine, except my wife started this behaviour in her late 30's/early 40's. Its been about 10 years of virtually no interest in sex and a declaration that she doesn't want to have any interest. By way of reference, she was a very sexual and fun loving person prior to her late 30's. She was always in the mood and was constantly initiating our sex life and was a hell of a lot of fun to be around.
Anyway, we go to the same doctor and so I asked him if he could convince her to take a hormone test, which she ultimately agreed to (because the doctor recommended it - I would not even contemplate bringing this up with her directly in the first place). Sure enough, her hormones were out of balance which he indicated to her would appear to have created both the mood and the desire problem (ie constantly in a PMS state and always hostile to the possibility of being sexual). As it turns out, she decided not to take any kind of hormone or other kind of herbal therapy as she believes that any of these substances do much more harm than good. She would rather be in her current state than risk any problems with a "remedy".
I don't believe that she has any ability to change her mood or lack of desire until her hormones are more balanced, but she will not try to balance her hormones so we are stuck in a rather miserable situation.
In your case, your wife's hormones may also be at play and may have gone out of balance with the birth of you child which I gather occured right after you were married. I also understand that there was a total change in her desire for sex right at that time and there has been no further change for 15 years or so. If you go to the same doctor, you could try like I did to have him convince her to test her hormones and suggest a therapy. Perhaps, unlike my wife, she may be willing to look at the options which could result in a change in both her demenour and her desire for sex. Anyway, just a thought and probably a long shot, particularly if she would never consider a medicinal intervention to the situation. Please also note that I have no medical background at all so my views are purely from reading numerous articles on the many forms of sexual dysfunction.
. The path just seemed straightforward to me. Keep it as simple as possible but no simpler. If good conversation attracts her to you, it may not matter what your actual position is. I don't know, but it's something to consider.
