No End in Sight

[CWOL]

Tim,
I do see CaliGuy's point. It's going down a slippery slope. You don't want to end up at the same place as your WW. You're either in, or out.

[1313]

...I am going running sometime with new friend and we have discussed dating. BEFORE you all chime in to tell me what a BAD IDEA that is let me tell you the talk was we are not ready to date but being friends could be a start, regardless there are still issues that need to be considered and resolved before any of that happens. But just a run would be good... for now, maybe forever.

Tim - doesn't matter, even just discussing is healthy regardless of what happens. Good for you. Date, don't date, whatever. It means you've talked about it - and it'll be even easier down the road.

Yeah, I could say where I'm at is more numb emptiness mixed with bouts of anger, and the occasional soul crushing pain - but that's when I think about how long it's been since I've seen my pup. Going through all the old photos hasn't helped any - it just ticks me off. It makes me want to punish the WW to a point - but even as mad as I get I wouldn't take the dog away from her 100%, it's doing the dog wrong.

Knowing the W was with the OM for - well it appears even a few days longer than she had scheduled vacation - just makes me sad, but it's not like it was a couple of months ago. I guess things went better than planned. BFD. I was more concerned about the dog and who had her. You know, for a service dog that she can't be without for any time at all.

But you're right Tim. We fell in love with people who are bad for us, and bad for them. They're damaged goods. The type of people we are wants to help them - and that only repulses them all the more.

They are so selfish, so wrapped up in the now, in feeling good this second, that they're willing to sacrifice the well-being and even the futures of those who they claim to love. It's really pathetic when you get down to it. Your S's are literally going to have to have therapy years from now because of what your WW is doing right now.

2 months ago I would have jumped at the W asking to get stuff out of the garage. A chance to see her! A chance to talk to her!

Now? Meh, don't call me if you break a nail. Suggest you wear gloves, or have your fat jerk boyfriend move it all while you supervise. Guess he wants room for his BMW. Just don't touch my motorcycle you creeps.

[TimR]

Ok
Yeah... Here comes some 2x4s because I care and I believe you need one.

So... You have another person now who is ears and willing to be your shoulder, totally get it and yeah I've been there. Here is the deal... What have you fixed, how have you grown? According to your timeline you are leaving a M that was what a whole 3 years and came here to DB it and now you've inserted a 3rd party... So are you done? Are you really trying to save the M at this point... Were you ever really all in? I ask this not trying to be an a$$ bit to really get you to ask yourself where you are and what you really want... Makes no difference to me TBH but from this point forward what you want and where's you are headed is important to how you "DB" from here .... You can't save a M if you are gonna insert a 3rd party just as a WAS can't commit to a M with a OP

Questions you must answer before moving forward .... All in or all out the choice is all yours

I thank you Caliguy, V, and 1313. Let me first say that I am not inserting a 3rd or 4th person into my sitch. Jogging buddy is also not my shoulder to cry on. Actually the opposite we talk very rarely about the WW. She is actually the first person that doesn't treat me with pity over my sitch and I am thankful she does not bring it up. Dating... Caliguy you are correct what have I learned or better what changes have I made? So no I am not ready for that or I am going to repeat my sitch with someone new. I am working through counselling to continue to make the changes.

What I have learned is this, WW was correct I do not show affection, I do not provide opportunity for other's opinions, and I was neglectful. I have changed those things about myself, not fully, not yet. I am working on that. What else I learned is that I am a man capable of great loyalty and love, someone who deserves the same.

Again I stress, I am not dating this person. I do not know if I will or will not in the future. Three months I have been on this board and three years I been in a break up we called a marriage.

As far as whether I am all in or all out, I don't know what I am? I am floating along allowing the current to take me where it will. There was a post about setting a course and either WW picks up that course or sets her own. I do not have a course, I am a vessel dead at sea and the waves will take me where they will. What I am not is engaged in a tug of war that I cannot win. I am not going to allow myself to be continually controlled emotionally by WW. Her texts sending me into fits of panic and the slightest word bringing the world crashing down on me. If she decides to come back, I will decide at that time whether I am capable of loving her again. I am not going to burn bridges, but instead accept that what I wanted may never be. I am going to pray that she finds peace and hopefully some help... but I cannot save her as much as I wish I could have.

If I date jogging buddy or someone else that remains to be seen as well. But jogging buddy is not the catalyst of the changes in me either. I have just been realizing I need to move away from the pain, the person I married is as likely a fraud as I thought the WW was. This WW may be her true nature and our M may have been the momentary mask she wore. Regardless one way or the other, she has to find who she is without my help.

Finally, I will always be there for the kids. They have to be my focus now. Not WW not jogging buddy, not girl I meet somewhere else, the boys, they are my purpose. That may or may not be the purpose of DBing, that may or may not be the true meaning of dropping the rope but it is my interpretation. No longer allowing the decisions WW makes to effect me and my search for happiness.

[TimR]

Journaling

Easter weekend went well. Friday had off work, did a bike ride and then upper body at the gym. Finally wrestling practice. Also scheduled a jog with friend tentatively for Sunday depending on the weather.

Saturday S13 and S16 (how bout that he came to visit finally) came down for Easter. I did a treasure/easter egg hunt for the boys where their present was the last thing to find. The enjoyed that even if they are a little old for that stuff. Then we went to the movies and dinner. It was a great day!!

Sunday met running buddy and did three miles at a slower pace but still got a good work out in. Afterwards we sat and talked about our lives since high school and as we talked for awhile we decided to go to dinner. Just casual very friendly chatting. We both complained about the ex's but did not focus on them. Rather we talked a lot of kids and the gym.

So here I am still floating along not caring where the current takes me. In fact today was the first time since all this blew up that WW text me and I did not almost slip into a panic attack. I looked at my phone, decided it could wait till after I was done in court and back in the office and slipped my phone back in my jacket. When I got back to the office I responded with the info she wanted, "what wrestling tournaments are we doing this month." She tried the keep the conversation going a bit and I was not cold or nasty. I just casually responded as though it was just another parent from the club. I am not angry, not sad, not happy about my sitch. I am just me doing the best I can with a rotten set of cards.

I am not actively looking for members of the opposite sex but decided I am not going to avoid them either. I am going to continue to run and maybe do some other activities with my friend because I like her company. I guess if that means I am doing good DBing, then I am not.

[Vanilla]

Really liked the interaction with WW

V

[1313]

Yeah,
I've noticed that the WW just isn't coming up anymore - I don't know if it's because I'm not saying anything, other people aren't asking - or a combination. It's kind of nice, isn't it? I was getting tired of apologizing for dumping on people. The last time was because it was somebody I hadn't seen in a year or more.

Disconnecting is the best thing though. It was weird getting that message today after I thought I got it all taken care of. I don't even want to know - or look - at anything concerning the WW. It's just one big hunk of pain that's gone.

Glad you're having fun with both S's, it sounds like everything is getting into something resembling a swing. Good for you.

[G8r]

Hi TimR. Glad to hear you had a good weekend with S13 and S16. I hope their emotional well being is improving as your appears to improve. Keep improving and moving forward toward your goals.

Best to you. Vaya con dios.

[TimR]

Thanks V, 13, and G8r, things are getting much easier. The more I seem to do for myself the better I seem to feel and not care about what WW is doing.

Found out from S13 on the way home from practice that I was the topic of conversation at the Easter Dinner. BTW, I did not ask about it at all, S13 just started telling me about it. Apparently, S16 was saying about how clean my house was and how much weight I lost. Guess that turned WW and MIL into to a frenzy. According to S13, WW started whispering to MIL and MIL does not whisper to quietly (I am sure she wanted kids to hear). She said to WW "you better not fall for him, he probably just cleaned cause he knew the kids would be there and tell you." That is all he said about the conversation and then started talking legos to me.

I guess MIL doesn't realize a lot. One I may be a bit on the messy side but I am not a slob and I have always kept my house clean. Not to WW standards but always clean. But before her and when I worked a much higher paying firm, I even had a house cleaner. And while I did straighten up a bit, I did not do some drastic cleaning.

Two without a herculean effort on her part, the same effort I put into getting over the pain and making changes, the same effort I continue to put into changing, I do not want WW back. IMHO, if she doesn't she would just cheat on me again, this time sooner. At the first sign of unhappiness which would happen in a year, because things got mundane, she would be off with someone else and on and on it would go.

Third there would also be financial changes. All the burden should not fall on me.

Conditions for her coming back (a work in progress not that I need to worry about it)

1. Admittance of the A.
2. Remorse for A. True remorse.
3. STD tests
4. Joint accounts with half of our checks going in and bills being paid from there.
5. Post-nup
6. Counselling, a lot of counselling for her (that she would pay for).
7. Text to OM ending the relationship.
8. Joint FB and social media accounts.
9. Adoption of the S's and prestipulated 50/50 custody agreement.
10. Anything I am missing?

However, these are not changes she would be willing to make so I have no worries. I am becoming happy with life after WW, I am enjoying wrestling practice with the kids, working out by myself, jogging with friends, even getting to enjoy alone time at home. I can come and go as I please, no one is donating the stuff I own that they do not like, no one is yelling at me from the time I get home till the time I go to bed, no one is putting me down in front of my friends, or telling me I am lazy. I am enjoying the life of a single guy, I even had a woman tell me my butt looked good in jeans. Talk about a little pick me up! WW even before she was wayward (or maybe she was already... who knows, who cares) never complimented me. In fact she would talk about other guys and what great shape they were in right in front of me. Well that is over now, so I do not need to dwell on it! Just now I am becoming happy!!

[TimR]

So it happened the thing I hear devastates many of us. WW changed her FB status to Divorce. I cannot say it bothered me, when I was told about it (she blocked me) it did not change my day or mood. It was more of did you hear about so and so D. It was text to me and my response was "LOL I guess I am divorced now." No, I can't believe she did that, I am so upset, overanalyzing why she did it or if she is serious with someone else. I was just LOL.

My only concern is whether I am bottling this up and it is going to burst. I don't think so, I think I am just having too much fun to care! But I need something to worry about so I might as well manufacture something.

Did good GAL today. I went to see my god daughters family. That was fun, did my jog... my times are improving. So everything seems ok with me. But I still wont file, I have done too much for her, she will have to wait if she is expecting me to file the paperwork and pay the fees. She should pay for it, I paid for everything else but if it becomes an issue I will bite the bullet for me.

[1313]

Tim, sorry to hear this - but you probably shouldn't be surprised.

For years my W would never friend me - I guess that should have been some sort of clue? I think the garbageman is a friend, as was some guy she met in line at the market. She used to have something about loving husband, la-de-da on her page, but that went down sometime around her ILYB... I've never been a FB person - but she's addicted to it.

Not sure what her FB says now - since I really can't access much about her page anyway. And, I don't care.

Anyway, keep plugging along and don't put much credence into a FB page. It's just as easy for her to change it back if that time ever comes. She could have just been having a bad night.