I figured it might be kind of fun/encouraging/enlightening to do as Vanilla has done and suggested other do and grade ourselves for the week.
The template: 1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes
Possible score if done perfectly : 370
After you've graded yourself, think about what your lowest categories are and what you can do to improve them.
And most of all don't be disheartened if you slipped. It's a new week!
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 9 (in my head, much much worse but actual action, I did pretty good)
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. We'll say 7 since I did text him first once this week.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 10, no chance to even if I wanted to.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 10-seperated
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 10
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. Big fail here as I talk to his cousin a lot. 4?
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 10
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 9
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 6 (damn you facebook)
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 10. Haven't said it since d-day.
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 6. Struggling here a lot. not a very good actor.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 7. Just went shopping for some new clothes. We dont currently go to any of the same places but I should still be at my best.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 7. Hung out with friends a lot this week.
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. N/A
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 9
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 7? maybe an 8?
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 10
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 5. Hard to show this via text.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf. 10
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.10
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 10
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 10
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 2. I mean, I am being patient and giving him time but man, I feel like i'm doing terrible here.
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. n/a
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 8
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 7. Eating is still a real issue.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 8
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 7?
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.9. You all get all of my neediness.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 8
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 5. I'm terrible at this. Everything still sticks to me like glue.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 4. It's been a bad week.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 10
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 9
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. ha. not a problem. 10.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. 8. I don't think i've backslid.
So overall : I"m not going to add them up. But I do pretty well with things that actually involve H. My brain is a hot mess though. I try to mind read and I lose sight of the path that may lead to what I want. I'm decent at GAl, my friends help a lot here. School is super slow right now which [censored] but it'll start picking up this week a little. Patience is what I struggle with the most. Trying to be more patient. Trying to be more positive.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
Great idea, Sparkles. Here's mine out of 10 points….after 5 weeks of DB'ing
So 5 weeks in how am I doing out of 10?
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 7
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 8
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 9
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 10 (n/a)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 8
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 9
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 8
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 7
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 8
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 9.5
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 9
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 7
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 8
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 9
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. 9
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 9
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 7
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 7
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 7
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf. 9
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 9
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 7
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 8
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 7
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 6
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 8
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 5.5
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 7
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 7
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 7
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 6
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 5
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 6
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 8
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 7
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 10
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes 7
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off! 8 I have gotten much better at this but I bet she knows how much I want her.
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first. 6 I have to text about kids but I have improved and backed off considerably and now try and address any and all issues at once. I still respond too quickly.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only! 10 I don't talk about M at all with WW.
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. 10-seperated
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject. 7 I have to talk to her about S wrestling and give her a monthly tournament calendar.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse. 6 I do vent to my mom and a mutual friend. I have backed off a bit with that but sometimes you just need to talk to someone.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence. 10
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.) 10
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better. 10
10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.) 8 I do look at her mom's pintrest but she blocked me from FB and I have not really tried for a couple weeks now.
11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.) 10
12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude. 7 she knows I am going to the gym and jogging. She has passed me.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice. 9 Thornton and I are killing at this with new clothes galore! I am wearing stuff I never would have before and I feel good about it!
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go. 10 we don't interact that way
15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative. N/A
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also. 10 I have not asked her what she is up to at all.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 5 I don't know what she is thinking.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it. 8 I have done my best to be light and breezy but some of my texts have been very just business.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that. 6 I think at times my voice on the phone has been too happy maybe.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf. 10
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight. 7 While I have gotten better, I have also lost my cool and she could hear it in my voice. I have not said anything horrible or mean but I am sure she could hear my negative emotions. I need to improve that.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake. 6 again there were times I think I was too happy on the phone.
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel! 10
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works! 5 I pulled back and am being as patient as possible but it is killing me inside!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying. 10 our few conversations my entire focus has been on her.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell). 7 I have boundaries but was too cold in carrying them out.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake. 8 doing good in exercise and eating. Bad at laughing and sleep. Sleep has been improving.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only. 10, I have read a ton of book!
29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 5 I have had some issues with not considering her in decisions. I need to improve especially since it was a big complaint of hers
30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse. 9 I think at times we have had extended time I would start to feel needy, during those times I walk away and get some space.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them. 9 I do not even bring up anything about me.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared. 2 I over analyze everything she says.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 8 I think I am very determined but I have thoughts about dating or just saying screw it. Then my determination is renewed.
34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return. 10
35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary. 8 I have gotten better about texting.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise. 7 I go out to bars but have not had any other problems arise
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. 8 I think I am doing well with keeping my changes but I should be cleaning more than I am.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
This is great Sparkle! You sound like you are really getting a handle on the "Fake it to make it" interactions with H. I am not there yet, I feel like I will break down if I have to talk to H, so honestly I have been avoiding it.
The fact that you are able to present yourself as collected (even if your brain is a hot mess) is a truly great step.
Patience and making assumptions is a struggle for everyone. I try to think about how I react sometimes. Do I always say what I mean when talking to H? No, of course not. When I get hurt or angry I say things I DON'T mean (my goal to work on). Or when I feel vulnerable I don't share what I really am thinking/feeling. So why would it be any different for them.
Me:33 H:34 T: 3yrs M: 2yrs H depression triggered and we are "unhealthy": 7/15 H wants to "make it work" 12/28 BD: 3/10/16
I like this Sparkls. I relate also with you on how your actions are on point but the mind is a fragile thing that turns against us. I know though that as you continue to see track of your progress (and sometimes digress) you will take specific actions and your brain will soon be reprogramed with sound data for your actions and your thoughts to match up. Kind of like exercise. The brain does not enjoy it when you first start, but if you remain consistent in exercising there comes a time when the brain will demand that you do it because of the high that it produces.
I am going to take this and implement it for myself as my mind has taken to much time in the depressive state and it is time to move on.
Me 46 Former W 46 D19 D7 BD Feb 2016 WAW moves out 4/16/16 D final 6/1/2017
It's time for me to start changin' the way I look at the world......and at myself. ~James Howlett aka Wolverine
Yeah, I haven't checked in on this in a while! I've had to have a lot of texts from H this week because my damned dog got out twice and his tags still had H's number on them (have since fixed this). But I didn't really respond. Once asked the phone number for the lady and said "I closed the door when I left." So he knew I was out, but not where. Trying to not let what he says bother me (He called it "your house" which hurt). I've been super busy this week trying to clean my house so I can put it on the market. Which has been really rough, finding all of his things. Still haven't decided what I'm doing with it all. But as far as the other rules: I'd say I've been doing pretty good. No snooping, no contact, no pursuing at all really. I do have a few friends who snoop for me that have told me what he told them, but I dont ask for it and it really is basically nothing. (aside from him actually telling people we broke up, which was news to me, assumed but it sure would be nice if he was adult enough to actually have a conversation with me about breaking up). Still having a hard time with 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. I don't see the hope. Feels like once I move, its the end of it. Its rough. But I am moving forward with my life, even though I don't want to. Gotta sell this house and move by June.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
