Hello everyone! I wish i had found this site in January. I very well may not be where i am now. Anyways I'm 50, and my wife is 48. We have known each other for 17 years, and been married for over 16. I have a s of my own 25 and she has s29 and d26. We had a pretty good marriage, but had problems like like anyone else. One of the biggest problems was my son would alot of times disrespect my wife, and i would not correct him in the way i was supposed too. I did not stand up for my wife when my son did this, and it hurt her deeply. That was one of the things that i was at fault with. Ok so in September i start to question here with all the texting she's doing with guy from work, and she says it's nothing but general talk. I knew better because there were hours of texting. And not only with him, but she told me i was crazy to think anything else.
We had a vacation planned for that month, and she told me that we need to sort of start over. I should have known right there there was something wrong, but i didn't listen and the vacation was just like being home. Didn't pay much attention to her i was still thinking about all those txt. Well we got home, and i started to snoop and to her i didn't trust her. She took offense to that. Then in January i was looking in email for something and stumbled on something from her FB. It was a couple of messages from a guy saying you are amazing, i will be dreaming of you, stuff like that. I confronted her, and she said she would do anything to make it up to me. Well I knew she met up with this guy, and i could not stop pursuing her about what had happened. A week later she moved to her moms.
Like a dummy i continued to pursue, cry, beg, and so on. We talked and she said she was coming home by the end of the week. Well it never happened. Then she said she was gonna look for a place to move into. She moved into her apt on Jan 29th and has been there since. I kept doing the wrong things to, but she did tell me that she didnt know what the future held, and told me to pray for us. I still pushed her further away i believe. I texted her everyday. Now she told me that she didn't cheat on me while living here but i know she did because when she left she left her cell that was in my name and didn't erase all the [censored] like she thought she did. She was sexting with a few different guys and the guy from FB i know she met with him.
2 weeks ago she said she wanted a divorce. I asked why and she said closure for the kids. I didn't buy it, and come to find out there's om she's seeing now. I love my wife very much, and i know i'm partly to blame for this. I have read DR, and understand it, but am i too late. I've been dark since last sunday, but i don't think that really matters to her. BTW for the GAL i've been going out with friends, and started working out again. Thanks for reading.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Anyone have any thoughts, suggestions, anything? I did leave out a couple little pieces of info. She did say when she got the money she was going to file, and she was done, and that she was not in love with me anymore.Said she would have the money in april. I'm trying really hard to detach here and focus on myself. Haven't talked to W in a week when i used to text everyday. I'm totally dark now, but even when i do other stuff for myself she's still on my mind. Ugh!
Anyone have any thoughts, suggestions, anything? I did leave out a couple little pieces of info. She did say when she got the money she was going to file, and she was done, and that she was not in love with me anymore.Said she would have the money in april. I'm trying really hard to detach here and focus on myself. Haven't talked to W in a week when i used to text everyday. I'm totally dark now, but even when i do other stuff for myself she's still on my mind. Ugh!
She is following the script. And yes it is re-written history, she doesn't love you, blah, blah, blah. Don't believe anything she SAYS.
It is only too late when YOU decide that. Keep living your life focusing on YOU. You have no control over her - only on yourself.
Your sitch is almost identical to almost everyone here. It's like the WAS attend a class on what to say and do when they decide to leave. All to familiar...
My best, advice to keep doing what you're doing. Stay dark, keep working on yourself, and keep posting here.
It's going to hurt for a while. You want the pain to stop as quickly as possible. It doesn't work that way. You have a long road ahead of you but you can do it, even when you think you can't go on another day. That the pain is too intense.
Exercise, sleep, eat healthy, see your doctor if you have to, and remember to breathe.
Thanks for the reply Cadet! I ask myself is my W really worth the fight after being cheated on? I see it this way we both failed each other in our M. At one time she was the fighter, and i in a sense was the quitter(did not listen) and she got to the point where she crossed the line, and figured there was no return(infidelity) Well now it's my turn to fight while she's in this crazy stage in her life. It's not all my fault i know that, but i did help put her there.The DR book has surely gave me a new approach to things, and how a marriage should be. I'm not going to give up on my W, but while i have time on my side i'm going to become better man i know i can be.
I ask myself is my W really worth the fight after being cheated on?
Only you can decide that. I will say that I think it is the symptom rather than the disease. You need to have good boundaries and if she decides to fix her own disease then it becomes a different outcome.
You are so smart to recognize that her infidelity isn't your fault, but a symptom of your marriage issues. I'm glad you are finding DR to be helpful. Becoming the best GWH you can be is an excellent plan.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
