Ojap's Story #2

[Ojap]

Hey folks!

Previous Thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2656370&page=1

[Ojap]

Alright...I'll try a quick recap of my sitch:

W incrementally would 'withdraw' and 'keep me at bay' over last 18 months.

BD: ILYBNILWY in 09/2015

I freak out and do all the wrong stuff for months. I have anxiety over the thought of EA/PA. No hard evidence...just that wife has shut me out, and is very secretive of phone/computer (though this has been a source of contention for years because I never regained full trust in her following a 'kiss' she had with another guy when we were dating in 2001.

We start MC in 10/2015. Not much going.

BD #2: W wants to separate 12/2015, but doesn't take any action towards it.

I continue to pursue...mope around...be 'super husband' to no avail. In mid-January I find this site and DB book. Consume it, and begin practicing.

DBing has been effective in many ways. Helping me, primarily. Have seen some positives from W...but mostly she is lost in her depression.

So...I'm stuck in limbo and really don't know what will happen. She claims (last Saturday) that she still doesn't know how to love me as husband any more...and still wants separation. Though, she won't take any definitive action. Of course...I'm not gonna take the lead on that one.

So...I've been trying to GAL. Had an interview today...thinking I will be changing careers (leaving vocational ministry b/c of the stress it has placed on family and directly on W and MR)

Interview went very well. Got the offer a few mins ago. It is Real Estate...and the market is hot...so I figured I would land it. But...this is the largest volume/sides team in our area...and they are pretty picky about their agent selection. (4 interviews).

So....I think that I really want the job. But...Real Estate requires a 'famine' of cash flow for about 4 months here. I've got to convince a WAW that this is the right decision.

Here are the details/facts:

1: W does NOT like my current job b/c of 'expectations' and other family ties.
2: W has complained that she really wishes she wasn't the primary breadwinner all the time.
3: W likes the fact that I pick up our girls from school, help w/ homework, take them to Doc apps., etc.
4: In past year we have paid off all debt (save cars, student loans, mortgage).
5: We have enough money in savings to cover my current salary for nearly 5 months.
6: I am willing to hustle like a beast. Work 40+ hours developing Real Estate & deliver pizzas 3-4 nights/ week in order to pay for health insurance, replace some of my lost income, etc.
7: If I hustle...and we just stop putting $ in savings like we have been each month...I don't think we would hardly touch our current nest egg.

----------------

Those are my positive arguments. I really am not sure how the W is going to respond. I KNOW she wants me to leave the current position..but she also wants me to be 'fulfilled'...and not leave because of HER. She can't handle that type of responsibiliy in our MR at the time...

So...question is....how would you guys frame this. I've already got a business plan, goals, etc. Even had an offer from the Broker team to do a sit down w/ W so she can ask questions.

[Cristy]

Hello Ojap,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in!

Congrats on the new job offer! Making a career change can be scary and exhilarating at the same time. It sounds like your wife has had issues with your career in the past so this could be good for you for lots of reasons.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[TimR]

Congrats Ojap on the job offer! That is a great news for our little broken hearts club. BTW thank you for the advice and support!

[Ojap]

Thanks, Tim. Put together a 4 page proposal, including projected budget for the wife for this new venture. Just gonna put it in front of her and see what she says.

I think I'm gonna use this as my GAL! If I can convince her it's what is best...it should be fun.

W has distanced herself again. Just a stupid rollercoaster. Last week this time was better than it's been in 4 months...now, back to ice queen. Me...I've been steady (at least I think so). Thanks to you as well, Tim. I know you're on your own rollercoaster.

[broke]

Congrats on the job! Sounds exciting and good job on staying steady with the DB'ing. Keep it up. Hopefully she will come back around.

[Ojap]

First off...apologies. I've been pretty busy w/ work, MR stuff, kids. I haven't had a chance to check up on everyone's situations. Hope all are well!

Updates:

Well...the rollercoaster continues. We have a couple of 'good' days. Good conversations. Good times w/ the girls. My job offer in Real Estate shook her stability too much. We had a good talk about it with MC. I agreed to shelve it for now and try to find something with predictable income, etc.

Then...the roller coaster engages. As I mentioned in a previous post...at times, when we are both a glass of wine or two in...she may initiate sex. I have done so once...but I was a bit more tipsy than I have been...probably ever (not a heavy drinker at all). So...a few days ago...we've had just enough to drink to spill over into that area where you can speak your mind, without a lot of inhibitions.

She tells me something like this (paraphrased):

You know, I really want this (sex), but I don't want it. I STILL want to be alone. I still want to separate, and I don't want to string you along. This has to be just physiological release. I still don't know how to let you back in. And I see all the improvements you've made. You are SO good with our girls...so much better than before. You have given me all the space I have asked for. You are even excited about a new career...you are 'finding yourself'. And all that just makes me more resentful of you. You have made all this progress and I am still right where I was when this started! I'm having to take medicines not to feel, etc. I think I will resent you even more if I don't separate and take this time to figure out who I am and what I want. I don't even know what my favorite color is! One of the girls asked me while trying on clothes at a store the other day...I could tell you what each of our family member's fav color is...but I don't even know my own! I'm lost and I don't think I see a future for us. I just can't.


So...that sucked. I validated her (both at that moment and the next day) when she wanted to clarify her statements. Her clarifications weren't that. She pretty much said exactly what she thought.

I desperately want to keep my family together. Because of the love I have for my wife, and because of damage a separation will cause for my 3 girls.

BUT...sometimes I get so weary. Because of all the positive stuff over 2-3 weeks...my hopes were up. I still did my best to DB during that time, and GAL...but she was active in our talks, family stuff, etc.

NOW...i wonder if I should just help her initiate the separation? I did respond to her during our talk that..."I think you are just working up the courage to actually do a physical separation". To which she just looked at me...said nothing. No denial, no agreement. MC has said as much. She can't bear to be the one to be 'at fault' for our separation. In the eyes of our girls, and in her own. I want to help her SO much...maybe I should acquiesce?

Any thoughts/guidance is appreciated. I'll try to get on in a bit and catch up w/ everyone's story. She is off to go watch her fav team w/ some people from her work...who I don't even know. (I know that shouldn't bother me, if I'm detached, but apparently I'm not nearly as detached as I was a few weeks ago.