Looking for a Spark in the dark

[Sparkls]

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2658893&page=1

Quick rundown:
Boyfriend and I had open relationship. I asked to end it when my mom got sick and died of cancer. He decided that he didn't feel like doing that. Got the ILYBNIWY speech early Feb. Found a post by OW a few days later. He admitted to PA/EA for 9 months. Said he didn't know if he wanted to be with me anymore. "When I'm with you, I want to be alone. When I'm alone, I want to be with her." Then I don't love you, I never loved you blah blah. I left to stay with friends for a few days. Found out he had OW at my home. I kicked him out on V-day. He is staying with OW and OW's best friend and best friends' 3 kids. We have been largely NC with the exception of arranging him picking up more of his things. I would like to try and work things out but he's telling his friends he's done. I'm trying to be patient, give time for the affair to die and him to realize what he's lost but it's a daily strugggle-bus. I miss him. I miss my life. But I'll be okay.

Most recent topic on my other thread:
He wants to come over on friday and get more stuff. Internally I'm freaking out about having to see him because I'm terrified he's going to break up with me.

[TimR]

Sparks go to Thornton's thread and read the We'll see story. I was going to try and rewrite it but I will screw it up.

[Thornton]

Sweetie,

You worst fears have already happened. And you're still standing. Him saying he wants to break up with you at this point is just words coming out of his mouth. Nothing changes, right?

Remember, believe nothing they say. He's a junkie right now.

Anything from this point on out of his mouth is "blah blah blah blah blah blah". Put no weight on it.

[Sparkls]

In my head I know you guys are right. And I'm going to keep telling myself that over and over and over between now and then. And who knows, maybe I'm making this out in bad light when in reality he wants to see me and is using "getting his stuff" and an excuse (unlikely but who knows).

It's weird cause it feels like I have all the time in the world and no time at all. Because in 2 and a half weeks, I find out where I'm doing residency and will be moving in May/June. And I just don't know how there's really any hope of any sort of R if there isn't some sort of progress in the next 3 months and I know 3 months really isn't that long in the world of this sort of thing.

[Ojap]

Hey Sparks...You're correct in that 3 months is that long, especially for the 'affair fog' to lift. BUT...the thing is...if it IS going to come back around. Distance won't matter.

I'll echo what Thornton said. Either way...'Your story isn't over yet!'

That IS absolutely true. You ARE handling this remarkably well...as stated...the worst has happened. The 'knock out' punch was unable to produce it's intended result. You are STRONGER than your circumstances.

[Sparkls]

Spent the day cleaning the house a bunch. Much needed because one of the damned dogs (I have 4 mind you that I am now taking care of by myself) has peed somewhere.
Its amazing how much better it feels to just sit in a clean house. Also washing the comforter on our bed for the first time since he left. I clean to keep myself busy. I have so much more energy since being on AD, which is lovely. But I'd also be lying a little if I said that I also wanted the house to be clean for when a$$hat comes to get his stuff on friday.
Note to self: work on detaching better. I'm not very good at it.

As I was walking my dogs, one of them did something really cute and I just had this thought of how could he just walk away from these guys. Like, he's raised two of these dogs since they were puppies. I didn't give him a chance to take any of them. And now that I've gotten to taking care of them myself and know I can do it, I don't think I"m going to. He works a menial job that barely pays enough to afford an apartment, he doesn't drive, has no car, and neither does the OW. If the dog got sick or needed to go to the vet, he couldn't get him there. I just had to drop $500 on dental work for one of them. There's no way I'm letting one of my fur babies go to that situation. I'm sure I'll come across as trying to punish him if he ever does try and claim the dog but frankly, I don't care. We can address it again when he demonstrates some more responsibility. I don't know how you guys with kids do it. These are dogs, given they've been in our family for 6 years, but they're still just dogs. But they're our dogs. Sigh. stupid waywards. *end rant*

[Thornton]

Yep. I like our dog more than most people lol

[HopeRB]

Spark & Thornton, you're funny tonight...I'm sitting here chuckling b/c they are "junkies". Your dogs sound like little angels by the way, hope they're doing well tonight!

But in all seriousness, that's also true that the worst has happened but it didn't break you. You're doing a lot better than I was at that mark - 2.5 weeks in I was calling out of work, couldn't get out of bed and was screaming out loud in the park on the side of a river, so kudos to you chica.

Ojap, the distance thing is something I've had to recently struggle with. My job offered me the opportunity to apply for a position in another state but to leave NYC to go there would be difficult for me for various reasons - mainly the state of my M. But you are right, distance doesn't matter.

[Sparkls]

I should tell myself that more because hell, the first 3 years of our relationship were a long distance relationship between CO and NY and we did just find. It sucked, but it made the time we were together that much better.

And my puppies are great. Me and WH had two beagles that we got as puppies. When my mom died, I had to take in her two white mop-head type things. walking 4 dogs means trying to keep 4 leashes untangled = a true exercise in futility.

Reading up on something V said in Broke's thread: errors in thinking. I'm guilty of all of them since d-day. What's sad is I really never used to do any of them. I was very calm and level headed (maybe that's why being a doctor was always such a good path for me) but since then, I just can't seem to get my thinking on board. It's all over the place all the time I'm doing all of the error. And so is WH. I really want to send this to him and be like LOOK> YOU DO THIS> STOP!
(not going to. but I want to. I've told him he catastrophizes for years) He's especially guilty of the only seeing the negative. I guess that 's the whole point of letting go: to make him have to experience the loss of all of the positive.

Other funny story: so last week, I cut about 8 inches off my hair. It had gotten insanely long (like to my waist). Washed it for the first time today. Used *WAY* too much shampoo and conditioner. Took me like 5 minutes to wash it all out. X-p

[Sparkls]

Just had to read a graphic novel for school called Moms Cancer. Beautiful book but now I'm a blubbery mess thinking about how I miss my mom AND my stupid boyfriend. Life really knows how to kick a girl when she's down....