I Still Think It's Too Late (pt 2)

[1313]

Thanks Tim - I don't really know what to do.
This is literally out of something I'd expect in a soap opera. It's so far beyond the pale - to just call it lies does it an injustice.

I suppose one of the first things I thought was "she's snapped", and is mentally ill. Because, if she believes some of this stuff - I hope she gets some help. She's suffering.

My line of thinking was maybe the parents might realize that this isn't just a disagreement. As bad as I thought things were - this cast a whole new spin on the D. Mental illness does run in her family, and it was one of the things that the MIL first mentioned when this all started. But can crazy people operate normally in reality? Kind of like functional acoholics? I'm not so sure.

On reflection, I've been thinking I should just see if the IL's have even talked to her much since this has started. I think the MIL has - or at least been around her at social gatherings. The last I talked to the FIL, he was so mad I'm not sure if the W has initiated contact since then.

Then again - when I read some of the things she wrote - I know that she knows it's all lies. She's just been working the stories out in her head for a long, long time. And it honestly doesn't seem to raise much of an eyebrow here - so I guess people really do lose touch with the reality I think I've been operating in for over half a century.

One thing that (sadly) always bothered me about the W was her ability to tell lies. I'm the polar opposite. Perhaps to a fault, I'm blunt and right out front with people. Maybe a character flaw - but you can't be "caught" in the truth. So many of these comments she made can be shown to be entirely wrong - you'd think she'd have reviewed some of her texts before writing something under oath?

Anyway, I guess I'm coming to a point where I just say "screw it", and do what I feel is right regardless of whether or not it's going to get me back with the W. The speed in which all this is happening is making my head spin, the first court date is in 10 days. That doesn't make any of this easier to sort out.

I've got to see if we can slow things down - something just doesn't seem right. It seems we're playing on the W's time table. The L's probably fast track it for efficiency. But with the W saying "we don't need to get accountants involved" makes me happy I've got a forensic accountant on this. Who knows what's going to come crawling out from under an overturned rock. Well, that's what I'll be talking with them about on Monday.

[TimR]

10 days is quick. Your L may figure if you start she wont have time to get an accountant involved and then has nothing to rebut your accountant. IDK. IDK anything about CA law except that it is very different than PA law. Your copies of emails may get her caught in her lies. I had a case where a person started spinning lies, oh they were so good too, tears and everything. It was a rape case. When it was my turn to question her, I went through everything step by step that she testified to. Every third question I would ask "you understood my question right?" "you answered those three questions truthfully right." and went through her whole story that way. I then went to sit down and the other side thought I was finished and started to stand up. I then said just a few brief questions... sorry. Then went through all their contrary FB posts. The jury was out for 15 minutes before they acquitted him. True story. In my experience getting caught in one lie will severely turn a judge against you. I had another where my client lied to the judge about not drinking. When the kids were interviewed they told us about all the beer in dad's refrigerator. The judge said he was going to send the attorneys to his house to check, the guy then came clean and because of that lie (if he told the truth IMO the judge would have yelled at him) he lost almost all his custody.

Like I said I do not know anything about CA law but around here if you showed one of her claims a lie it would cast doubt on everything else.

[TimR]

Hey you have been quiet for awhile, everything ok?

[1313]

Hi Tim,
Yeah, I was busy writing notes to the W's declaration. It was so weird, and so paranoid I literally have 17 pages of stuff to her 5.

Things took a very strange turn lasts night when I found out that my domain hosting account had once again been compromised, and the W transferred domains to her account. I should have changed more than just my password 2 weeks ago when I felt something odd had happened.

Their response is that if somebody has access to my account info (apparently just user name and PIN) they can do whatever they want. I'm not sure why that can't work in reverse - but I don't have the W's information. All I could do was try to stop the transfer. It's up to them at this point.

The weird thing is, a week ago I offered her these domains, and asked to transfer them to her. I never received a reply, only demands and accusations. I think I mentioned this above - I sent her all the timeline and emails showing I did indeed do what they had asked me to - and then again asked to transfer the domains to her. No reply.

I have a phone conference with the L this morning - we have to file for the court by tomorrow. I sent an email last night regarding this - what I would assume is an illegal use of my personal information. It appears there is nothing she won't stoop to - and I'm pretty much of the opinion there's nothing at this point that will save the M. I'm not sure if she's having a mental breakdown or what - but I think at this point I need to talk to her parents and let them know about this.

Unless of course the L says there's nothing illegal about this, which I would find really hard to believe. The W says she was free and clear of me when separated, so I would think that works both ways. It would be on thing for her to do this while we were married, another now.

Anyway, like you mentioned - if you lie once it's hard to believe you about anything. This particular action would certainly show she's not acting in good faith at all. She made a demand in her declaration for these domains - and I thought maybe that was why she never answered back about transferring. She would rather demand and have the court tell me to return them. But now - she's accessed my account without permission and taken them?

[TimR]

Wow that is some poop. So she is breaking in, digitally, and stealing something you already offered to her? You may want to ask L if there is some advantage she could get by doing so. Be careful cause she may be plotting. Otherwise, just don't step down into the gutter with her. I like what thornton posted earlier today about handling yourself with dignity and grace. Whether we get our WWs back or not, whether we want them back or not, We need to carry ourselves with dignity and grace.

[1313]

Hi Tim,
all I did was submit a "don't change" order with the provider. The L didn't even want to go there, and wants to keep all of her crazy ramblings out of court - in fact avoid court if possible.

But it's so weird that she would rather go in and steal this stuff rather than allow me to transfer it. Is it sullied if she gets it that way?

I suppose I could contact a criminal attorney if I wanted, but it's kind of a gray area. Regardless, it really ticks me off she would do this - and cost me all the time I spent having to change my user name, PIN, password, email address - and change all the passwords on all my email.

It dawned on me that she's accessing my email, and that's how she got into the provider account. They obviously got into my side of the PC they didn't have the administrative password to, and have been reading my emails. They got the provider emails and that gave them enough info to go in and change my account - by using the "see my account" links.

Anyway, I'm going to blow it off - what happens happens. At this point I have zero hope for a R, this woman is too twisted with hate - I no longer recognize her.

You're totally right - we need to do what's right for ourselves and everybody else, and leave the trash in the gutter. Someone else can sweep it up.

[1313]

I'm going to be approaching another tough date on the calendar - the 13th of this month. It will the 35th anniversary of our first date.

I am so tempted to send a card - half as a goodbye. Honestly, I'm not even sure the W is going to remember. And if she does - so what?

Then St. Patrick's Day - I would always fix Corned Beef and Cabbage. Sigh.

I dunno. I guess I can still hold out some hope but I think that drained out of me a few weeks ago. This last round with the identity theft really felt like she was kicking a dead horse. I'm mad, but not as mad as I would normally be - and it's mostly mad because of the principle of the thing.

I'm really wondering about bringing it up with her Parents - who I've not seen for some time. I'd almost rather have a relationship with them and none with the W at this point. I'm sure she's been working on poisoning them during the time I've not seen them - but this would shock them.

At least maybe they could suggest she get some therapy. Unless of course somebody like Sandi said this is normal behavior - in which case I throw my hands up!

[TimR]

Yeah man that is tough. When people ask how long I was married I still say it will be 3 years June 1st. I also know about losing hope, as does I think everyone on this board. Just gotta adopt the attitude of I will get through this with or with WW and be the best me I can be. LOL that is so much easier said than done, especially when you start questioning who is me?

As far as this being normal, I cannot tell you. I can tell you it is my normal and tend to believe the angry behavior is normal for a lot of other men on here with WW, IMHO. For the LBW of WH it would appear the stringing along actions are normal. But I am by far no expert.

I would think long and hard about it before you contact her parents. Think of your true motivations in contacting them, what it will accomplish and the pros and cons.

Wishing you the best buddy!

[keefa]

Hey 1313

Its 'Normal' that it happens but I couldn't call it rational behaviour ! I've been accused of so many things, and I have taken steps to defend and protect myself every time it happens. The sad thing is that my stbxw has done it in such a malicious way that there is now no way forward for her and she is backed into a corner both legally and emotionally. Most of her supporters if not all do not know about her affair, and of course there support adds to the strength of her own convictions. I imagine this is common. Any reason for it not to be her fault, made up or not, becomes real in her mind. I've recently learned this, and had been continuously blaming myself. I'm not acting the good guy. I'm not acting the bad guy. I treat what she does like a mildly annoying work colleague and don't give her anything. I'm not cold, but smile, act confident and take what ever she wants to throw on the chin, report it quietly to my L if I need to or just let it go and carry on GAL.
Hope....thats the real arse. I STILL wonder if my 'real' wife will appear again but every L letter, every act like seeing her on a dating site is just one step closer to absolute end.
This is hard for me to accept and level with but I am. I just wondered if it is the same for you ? At what point do you let go ?

[Cadet]

Then St. Patrick's Day - I would always fix Corned Beef and Cabbage. Sigh.

Why not still make it so YOU can eat it.

Or invite me over - as it turns out I am going to buy some tonight so I can make it!