Now what?/ One Day at a Time

[melweb]

I am jumping over here for a bit as I truly believe H is in MLC.

Quick synopsis: Got BD'd on Nov 9-ILBNILWY. I DB'd (still DBing) until beginning of January when he tells me he is not leaving and I do not have to live in fear. A couple bumps in the road, and serious secret cell phone use, but other than that we had great R talks, talks of the future, what went wrong and how to fix it, thanked me for saving the marriage. My suspicion peaks ( an affair) as he is away on biz trip right now, and via text he asks me "you sense something don't you?" I say yes. He says "I tried." I say we knew it was a work in progress and we had made so much progress" He says "I know Melweb." He is calling me today.

Reasons I believe MLC: He kept telling me life is too short, he doesn't want to be depressed and lay in his room all day (he went through a bout a depression a few years ago and is now on Lexapro), says he will do whatever it takes to be happy, whatever the cost.
I believe he is in replay--changed wardrobe, got a full body wax, tanning, partied quite a bit after BD but that subsided once he recommitted, and now this EA/PA with younger woman.

I am not sure what to say today when he calls. I guess I am back at Square One

[bttrfly]

first of all welcome to the MLC playpen. Very very sorry you are here, but there are lots of great folks and most important for you to know right now: you are not alone!

SOmeone with more experience than I will step in soon, I'm sure, to advise you. In the meantime: all you have to do today is focus on breathing.

All you have to say is, thank you for sharing. you've given me a lot to think about and that's it.

Yes, back to square 1 DBing ... validate, don't react and breathe!

xoxoxoxo

[bttrfly]

^^^validate where appropriate

[melweb]

Thanks bttrfly. I am sorry I am here too.

I am just numb.

[peacetoday]

Hi Melweb

It sounds like you H is confused
while it seems that he wants to work things out with you, at the same time, he is attached elsewhere

If it is true MLC, which he does seem to have a lot of symptoms
it may take a while and a road full of bumps, touch and goes and confusion

I think It is positive that he chose to recommit for a time but he can't seem to
really stay on the beam
Since this is so new, you need to focus on yourself while you watch for clues to see
where is head is at:

Eat, sleep, exercise, breathe yoga, and take care of yourself
find a supportive women's group
decide what is best and makes the most sense for you
work on your spirituality if inclined to
create some new activities of your own
be mysterious
validate where appropriate and be kind to him in his confusion
Get some therapy for you
If he is willing to do couples therapy that may help

You can make decisions as you go and change them as well as you watch this play out
You may also want to seek professional legal advice one time just to see your rights ( many L do free consults)
without telling H anything..just so you know-

[melweb]

Thanks for weighing in peace.

My plan of action right now is getting back to DB principles. I had abandoned some as we seemed to be reconciling--like R talks, and future plans, date nights (sex), other pursuing behavior. But I will go back to the beginning : back off, friend zone, validate. That all worked before.

I am unsure how to handle this A tho, because it was not a factor before. I do not want to let it happen right under my nose, but I know I cannot really stop it either. He is a hasty decision maker and will jump ship without a moments notice. He did not leave back in Nov, because we simply do not have the funds for two households, (I only sub at the school), but very soon that will no longer be an issue--certainly by May, or sooner if our house sells.


Thank you for all you thoughts. I appreciate it.

[melweb]

So instead of a phone call today, I got an email (not surprised)

Basically stating that he tried , but no longer has the need or passion to give me what I need. Doesn't want to hurt me, he has too much love for me. While it might have been buried for me, it is gone for him. After seeing my level of commitment and desire for making this M work, it is killing him.

I am not sure how or if I should even respond to that garbage.

[job]

mel,
If you do decide to post a response to him, just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and then let it go.

As for him no longer having the need or the passion to give you what you want, that's the mlc/depression talking. It's killing him to see your level of commitment and that is called "guilt".

You know what was real in your marriage and you also know that some of the garbage that spills forth over his lips is garbage. When in crisis, they only see black and white and there is no middle ground.

Read as much as you can on male depression, as well as mlc. Do try to keep the focus on you as much as possible.

[melweb]

Thanks job. I have yet to respond.

I know, I know--believe none of what they say and only half of what you see.

How do I begin DBing again? My 180s, included me being happy upbeat and positive, lots of compliments and praise, engaging in friendly conversation and upping my SAHM duties. He kept telling me it wasn't going to work, and it would not rekindle anything.(Obviously it did) I just kept saying "I hear you, I understand, and this is for me."
1) If I do these tactics again, I am afraid he will see right thru it---well, now that I say that, I actually never stopped those. SO scratch that. But I guess a better question here, is how do I/should I maintain that knowing an A is going on? He has a point, it is hard to have need or passion for me when there is a 3rd person. But that seems like I am letting him take advantage of me. No boundaries, and now will seem really fake and contrived.

2)Do I let on that I am privvy to his affair?

[job]

mel,

DBing is not a tactic. DBing is actually for YOU and not to get your h back. It's a method that helps you to become the person that you should be or rediscover the person that's been hidden for a very long time. DBing is about learning how not to react to every little thing a person says or does. It's a great communication tool. DBing will give you confidence if you use it properly. It will help to make you a stronger and more independent woman and you can use it in your day to day life w/anyone, not just your spouse.

So, let's go back to the basics. Be yourself, try to stay positive and if he does something right, then recognize it and thank him for doing whatever it is. You don't dish out compliments unless they've been earned. You can engage in friendly conversation when it's necessary. I wouldn't become a chatty cathy and try to drum up conversations just to be chatty.

If he doesn't appear to want to talk, then leave him alone. In fact he probably needs space and time, so give him as much of those two things along the way. Do things for yourself, go out and get a cup of coffee, sit at a café and people watch, go the library or a movie by yourself. Yes, you can do this. If he asks where you are going, just say I'm going out for a breath of fresh air and leave it at that. This is the time when you can make that to do list and do the things that you've put off for a very long time. This is your gift of time to work on you.

The less you pursue him, the better. He needs to sense that you are going on w/your life and enjoying that life. He'll become curious and want to know what you are doing or may even want to join you...but you need to keep your expectations at zero.

As for boundaries, you have to determine what they are and you have to stick to them. If you slack off, then he'll know you aren't serious about them. Trust me, they can sense when you are doing things to try to get them back. Whatever changes that you decide to make for yourself, they must become permanent and you have to be happy w/those changes that you make.

Take some time and read the other threads here. You'll discover that everyone starts out just as you have. It takes time and many stumbles along the way, but we are all here to help pick each other up.

So, what are you GAL activities? What are your goals for the coming week. By this, I mean what are you doing for yourself?

Try to keep the focus on YOU and your family. Leave him to choke on his time and space.