Beginning of the End

[TimR]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2647558#Post2647558

Link to my old thread

[TimR]

Thank you everyone for the support and understanding!! It has been quite the night and now day. Between nightmares and like of sleep to rage only the Hulk and fellow DBers know.

So I would like some feedback on this question. Sandi if you are out there would love to hear from you... I am thinking of sending her the following text. "Just going through my insurance stuff and your car is still on my policy. I just wanted to give you a heads up that I do not intend to renew it for March."

I just see this as her eating her cake and it has bothered me prior to last night as it is a pretty good expense.

Here is the flip side of that coin. I am rather sure when I do that I will get threats of S13 (which she may try and keep) and being told how I am controlling her. Also there is the timing with last night's events.

Please any feedback would be great. From wording to whether I should send or not.

[Thornton]

Tim,

Because you are on a lack of sleep and raging, I would hold off a few days so you can make a non-emotional decision.

If after a few days, and you feel calm, and you think it's best to send the text, then fire away..

Sit tight for right now...

[Cristy]

Hi Tim,

Your GAL goals are great! I'm impressed that you will be wrestling again. Your club kids must think that is pretty cool. Good luck!

My suggestion regarding the car insurance is to do nothing at this point. You are so smart to recognize that reaching out to her this way will have the opposite effect of what you are trying to accomplish. The good news is that you came here first with that idea. Keep venting here!

Your DB Coach can certainly offer suggestions regarding the car insurance and how the handle the renewal in March.

Please give me a call when you would like to schedule another telephone coaching session. BTW- Thank you so much for suggesting DR to your potential divorce client!

Regards,
Cristy

[JujuB]

Hi Tim R

Your last few posts caught my attention because husband and I are undergoing exact same argument.... My husband keeps reminding me he is paying my car insurance, and will not continue to pay when Policy ends in a few months. I have not responded to him yet, but I can tell you that when he does decide to do this, I will feel compelled to retaliate.

I do understand our backgrounds are very different though. Quick background: He left me and kids (with my parents) and it took me 4 months to take him to court for child support because I feared it would ruin our chances for reconciliation (I asked 2x and he would not. My asking turned into huge fights) He earns 3 x my salary. He is absolutely furious that he has to pay child support. He left me and I was never unfaithful. I have not yet asked him for anything else.

On one hand I certainly feel you are entitled. In fact my blood boils when I compare responsible and continually supportive men like you to my own husband (who I always believed was a good guy) who did not feel like he should pay child support because my retired parents were helping us.

On the other hand, she will most definatly view this as an attack and will try to reciprocate if you just take her off without notice. Is this the only thing left that you are paying for? Perhaps you can bring this up in a conversation that entails how you will proceed with all future financial aspects? Or perhaps you can remind her that you want to continue doing.... for the kids, but cannot continue keeping her on your policy.

I would handle this in a gentlemanly manner as opposed to doing anything out of spite. . I am sure she will remember it when the 38 year old man child reveals his true nature.

[1313]

Hi Tim,
if you ask me it's nice of you to even let her know you're not going to cover her insurance. I don't know what it is in your neck of the woods, but it's about $1500 a year per car in CA for 60 year olds with perfect driving records. Well, the W has a few moving citations. (But I'm the bad driver)

I told you what the W did to me with the cell phones - that's the sort of behavior I would think would be right out.

Like everyone else says - give it a day or two so you're cooled down, but I certainly don't see how this would be a knee jerk. You have no reason to pay for anything at this point, so I would think fair notice is the decent thing to do.

It's not like you're [i]not telling her[, or that you removed the car from the policy months ago - which you could have done!

[TimR]

JujuB (btw I love that name! obviously I was not so creative) and 1313 thanks for weighing in. I read Sandi's post about tough love and I am not sure what to do.

Juju, I get what you are saying and it makes perfect sense to me. I do it in an attacking way and even when trailer park boy takes off she will remember me acting coldly. At the same time, isn't that acting with expectations? This is the last financial thing we have together. I always paid all the bills except two and they were in my name anyway. I guess what also burns me is after I moved back in and she to her new place, I came home to find out the two bills she was to pay had not been paid in months. I guess last night just adds fuel to the fire.

I also see what you are saying 1313 and you are right as well. I do not owe it to her and giving her a heads up is really civil of me. I think maybe the best thing is to give a months notice. The insurance can always send me a refund.

Anyone else please feel free to weigh in. I am still struggling to find the balance of tough love and spite. Anyone wanna try and explain it yet again. I have read Sandi's post about it but every thing gets cloudy when applying it to your own sitch.

[Sparkls]

I'm by nature a bit of a pacifist and am specifically going out of my way to take the high road and have nothing I do have the chance to come across as spiteful, so you can take this with as big of a grain of salt as you want.
Do you have to pay your insurance month to month or 6 month?
If month to month: I would just send her something like "Hey, I have to update my insurance policy and am going to remove your vehicle. I know it is short notice so if need be, I can pay for March but afterwards, it will be your responsibility.
If 6 month: same phrasing except: I'm sorry for the short notice but it needs to be done.
She can try to spin that as spite but I think it would be a tough spin to make.

[TimR]

Sparks, I like your wording better than my own. It is a 6mo policy but paid monthly. Just how my insurance does it I guess. But I think I will pay for March and bring it up in mid-March about dropping her car off the policy. It is the timing thing and regardless I know I am going to be attacked any way I do it. The past couple months show me if for some reason I am not doing exactly what she thinks I should be, I am a horrible person and that is why she left me. This includes not reimbursing her for the small amount she paid on the past due water bill.

Anyway, I am feeling a bit better today, although I still woke again three times, I did manage to get some sleep. I had a good work out last night although for some reason S did not call me to go. I am thinking he probably fell asleep and slept through the night cause he did not respond to my goodnight text. I am really sore today from diving so much into working out. Yet just like the emotional pain, the physical pain will go away too. In fact I wish the emotional pain would go away as quickly as the physical will.

I got coaching tonight and then I will drop off S. I think after that I may run and get a shower and go out for a beer. My area stinks because we are so rural that is about the only nighttime social activity. I am not a big bar guy but at least it will keep me from sitting home alone moping. Instead I will sit alone surrounded by people.

[TimR]

Ouch. The following is my text exchange, please weigh in? I am condensing some of it:

Me: Going to pick up S at 1115 to head to clinic and weigh ins

W: I don't believe you ever mentioned the clinic

Me: I did when I said about DT not being at practice to sign his shoes.

W: OMG I just looked on line, weigh ins are not till 5

Me: They were last year but they started even before 4

W: So I am hardly going to see my son on his birthday. "way to nix me out of my own son's birthday."

Me: Looking at the time line I see how that is a problem, "I will talk to him about driving up to catch the very end of the clinic and then weigh in."

W: "it must be your goal to upset me. Your thoughtlessness and utter disregard for others never ceases to amaze me. It's just time and time again."

w: "Ohhh.. go figure you must not know how to respond. Same reason you can't verbally discuss things, you don't know how to communicate." (at the same time I was responding)

Me: "Your feelings that I do everything for myself and have no regard for other's are appreciated. In order to change this I see one of only three solutions, we can 1 pull him from the tournament (but that will ruin his birthday) 2 you can take him to weigh ins or 3 you just text me when you are ready for him to go. It's up to you"

W: "My feelings are appreciated? What a fake response. Does your counselor give you a list of responses to give me? You must have a script of possible things to say bc you are incapable of genuine responses."

Me: "I am sorry. If you would like to talk about the tournament and weigh ins that is fine. Disrespectful and attacking texts I am going to ignore from now on."

W: "You are hilarious, you're going to ignore me disrespecting and attacking you? What do you do to me? Oh... that's right Tim is always the victim... how could I possibly forget that?"

w: "I guess I will choose to ignore texts from you as well."

w: "I have tried my best to keep things amicable with you for S's sake. but that clearly is not going to happen bc time and time again you repeat your actions of only thinking of yourself. You are making me get to the point where I can't even stand the thought of being around you or speaking to you at all."

W: "I can only take so much of this. You just keep pushing and pushing, you wont stop. I am seeing a side of you that I didn't even know existed. You are being down right mean and spiteful to me and trying to make me upset and that's an awful way to be."

W: "Why are you doing this Tim? Seriously... what is your goal here?"

Besides my poor validation, am I missing something? She knew about the tournament months ago and knew about the clinic weeks ago... I am that awful of a person?? There has to be some truth in what she is saying or feeling?