I will look into it V. I promise I'll look into it today. I just see him so so happy with my ex best friend too and I feel like last weeks left over garbage.
I do not think he will ever regret leaving me and it breaks my heart knowing how much I gave up to love him and it did nothing.
I will re-read over all ypur advice you gave me today as I'm emotionally alittle better then yesterday.
I spent the night at my moms since I just broke down wanting someone here to give me some advice and find a way to make help him want to come home.
A couple of things Red, abusers are not happy people. They are deeply damaged and raging inside. As a result many of them need to control their environment and the people around them. They do so because those people hold the qualities they want. In addition when your WH describes you as X or Y or Z he is referring to himself. Being with OW 1 2, or in my WH case 6 won't make them happy, and the more scuzzy the OW the less happy they will be. Each OW is put on a pedestal and then they fall off. I took my WH back 3 times after 3 OW, so I did much better than average!
It is referred to as idealised, devaluation and discard, I call it the sweet cycle.
The great danger is that each time you take back an abuser who has not recovered the deeper the cycle of abuse and the more damaged you will be.
So much as I would love to give you words or actions to bring your WH home, I am unsure this will help until WH wants to recover. You may feel like a leftover, this is not the case, from where V sits you are a vibrant loving woman with enormous endurance and spirit trapped in an R which was set up from childhood.
Do abusers recover? Most don't because they don't accept who they are because that would mean knowing the damage. So do I think my WH regrets his behaviour? Yes I believe he may although it is likely only because he is short of resources, money and a home. His solution? Find another target or try to recycle V again.
Until WH wants to recover and work on himself to be the best H he can be, atone and commit to himself then him wanting to come home only has alternative motives of control. This leaves you with another sweet cycle and if you are like V each one leaves you lower. Only WH can do this work for himself, none of my words can change this nor can yours.
Please let me know how you get on. I really care that you are safe, this comes from a place of experience. And like V you make the choices in everything you do, no one else does.
Keep posting, sending you my very best rainbow strength.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Red you have wonderful advice on your thread. I am also assuming everyone is praying for you that you have the strength to follow it. I hope you can find a support group which will also help you with your strength.
Me 41 W 33 M 2013 Suspect A 11/15 Confirm A 1/16 She moved out 2/14/16 Stepson 13 Stepson 16
Rednail, I'm very worried about you and your children. If you can't get away to talk to someone, then pick a time when he's out of the house and contact the Domestic Violence Hotline. There is someone on call 24/7 and they will listen and offer some advice and possibly provide assistance to you.
You and your children are the most important people in this situation and the stress, tension and fear of your h's temper is not a good scenario for any of you. You have to be the one to protect your children.
Please call the Hotline in your area. This is nothing to play with.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know if I agree with your IC - or her ability to predict the future. My H had his A with a woman he had a very strong crush on 30 years ago, she was 'the one that got away', but she was with someone else at the time. The A lasted 2+ years and it's over now - she wasn't what he thought she was, he said. I don't even think he'll hook up with her if we split.
However, you should get to a place where you can see your H clearly for who he is, and then choose freely if this is someone you want in your life. It's your choice, too - whether you want to try to save your M or if you feel this is a man with a character you don't like.
You also have to look at your own behavior. Did you give up your power to H? Did you allow him to take control or did you object and voice your opinion? Did you let him get away with bad behavior? Ideally, he should of course not act in a way that is not caring or not with your best interest in mind, but we're all less than ideal and carry baggage.
Your H is young and still learning how to be a H. Your response is part of that learning process. He sounds spoiled, bored and domineering to me. He also sounds negatively impacted by his work, which is not unusual. I have seen my H change so much in his attitude over the years, depending on who he hangs out with.
I would focus on effective responses to controlling behavior before looking into anything like a NC order, especially since you have children. I draw boundaries with my H to let him know his verbal outbursts don't get him what he wants. I give him truth darts about how his choices affect us. The reaction your H had to the boundary you already set, was positive. He didn't react by escalating.
If the OW holds the power in that R, she may tire of your H before long if he continues these antics with her.
*You* have to change something - to become a stronger person in your own right and improve your M, should it survive this.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Long long day for mama rednail. Last night was the first night I KNEW where he was, with who, what he was doing.
I snapped. I woke up like a crazy lady on a mission.
Dropped off d5 to preschool and they let s3 stay for the day.. Her teacher and principal said I looked like I needed a baby free morning.
I drove my butt to the courthouse. Got all of the papers for child support, alimony, sole use of the house etc. 63 pages and 15$ later...I had all of those.
Cried like a baby in the car.
Went to my friends house and cried like a baby there. Left an emergency bag to make her dad happy. H doesnt know where they live.
63 PAGES?!?!?!
I will read them. They need to be notarized..I need so many papers from H that I do not know how I'll get them. It also is 400$ to file it.
Even if I never file it,at least I have it.
He texted me to tell me he was going home late and he would stop by before work and drop of something.
I said ok, will not be home. Please leave on the table.
H: where will you be?are you taking kids somewhere?
Me..nothing.
Went out to family lunch with mom, kids, siblings.
Got my nails redone.
Got my hair done-full head high lighta free from my mom (she works at a salon)
Bought myself a new pair of jeans.
H calls
H:Hey you actually answered
Me: Hi H Im not with kids there are at my moms with my brother and sister if you want to talk to them.
H: where are you? Your brother is here. You never told me.
Me:(my bro lives across the country.) yes H my brothers been here a few days but if you call the house someone will answer. I have another call coming in so I'll talk to you later.
H:I know I can hear it beeping. Make them wait we are still talking and you never talk to me anymore.
Me: ok h what else is there you want to talk about for the kids?
H:nothing
Me: well then I'm gonna talk to you later then?
H: i wanted to see the kids
Me: go visit at my moms ( my moms is 5 mins from his parents)
H:you are very suspicious lately. Sneaky..like you are hiding something. I dont like it. You dont answer my calls or texts unless I'm mean to get your attention. You are always hanging up and never want to talk to me. You are ALWAYS on the phone. who the heck are you always talking to now a days.
ME:(in my head- you left me. You have ow. What does it effin matter you idiot.) I do have friends and my friend is calling again so I'll talk to you later.
H:wait we didnt get to talk about this weekend and the kids. I want to go fishing one day and have plans sunday so i do not know what day I'll want them.
Me: well I have plans friday night. Saturday morning and night and sunday night so let me know so I can find a sitter for the other days.
H:omg with who thats so many plans..who will have our kids?
Me: ok. I'll figure it out but i gotta go
H: sunday I'm going with x.y.z(all male coworkers I know) and xs son to a card tournament that night.
Me: okay. Sounds fun. Im hanging up now. I'm driving and i want to call my friend.
H: oh well okay..bye I'll call you later.
Went home after family day around 6pm
7pm H calls FROM WORK
Me:hello
H:hey you never told me if you were going out all night or if you were gonna have them
(Kids laughing and noisy.)
Me:I'm home now, kids come talk to daddy.
D5 says hi. Love you. Miss you. Goodnight.
S3: no i dont want daddy anymore
H: why wont s3 talk..
Me: he doesnt want to S3 say hi to daddy
S3: no (hangs up phone.)
H calls back
H:s3 say goodnight to daddy i miss you
S3:no i dont like you anymore
Me: s3 seems tired and ready for bed.. so let me go.
H:fine..hangs up
FEW HOURs LATER
H calls 10pm..kida asleep from work. I ignore
Voicemail- call me at work..it is important. This is my Work # and extension..(really man. Youre my h and act like I DONT KNOW IT already.)
Call him at work since he NEVER asks me too. MAYBE 2-3 times and my friends husband almost got stabbed in the neck yesterday with a pencil so I still worry.
Me: hey you ok?
H: what is wrong with s3?
Me: huh?nothing why
H: he wouldnt talk to me. Hea mad at me. I'm his favorite. He loves me.
Me: he is 3 and tired. Is that all you wanted me to call for?
H: yes it is bugging me that he didnt want to talk to me
Me: he is 3. He is fine. Have a good night. I'll talk to you later.
H:oh we okay bye.
It was a long day. I was too exhausted to argue. 180. Db I just faked being nice while trying not to flip out.
MY MOM FRIEND works for a psychiatrist. She was telling me theg also have regular counsling not MC counseling like I'm going to. She got my info and said they take my insurance and knows the perfect person for me. I told her the basics.
H left..not h is dating my ex best friend.
So hopefully I'll get into the top counseling place in my town without the 3 month waiting list. She said ahe will get me in asap since she is like the director and can over ride everything.
V- I do not want the sweet cycle. I do not want it at all. I think getting the papers at the courthouse myself really helped me today. I wish you had good words to say but you give me what I NEED TO HEAR NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR. THIS is why I LOVE AND VALUE your opinion. I would rather CRY from the truth then be HAPPY with a lie that will never happen to be crushed more later.
Tim-I found out 3 moms from my class go to the church i want to start going too and one of my best friends go. They are starting a moms only bible study group on like a wednesday. They are all going so I am going to join! They will have mom tim and studying and the kids will have a sunday school type thing.
Job- put 2500$ in a safety deposit box. Emergency clothes and bag at my good friends house that h doesnt know where it is and one at my moms.
Painter: yes i let him have all the control. I gave up everything to make him happy. It doesnt make me happy anymore knowing and seeing how.much i really gave up trying. Yes I'm working on being a stronger person.
At 11pm my bro and sis botb came to spend the night. We bought 30$ in taco bell..played card games..hung out and drank juice..in pjs on the floor of my living room.
My brother leaves for another 6-7 months and spent 1000$ to come here for ME. He almost dated the OW but we told him he couldnt because he was 18 and she was 25..now I'm like she couldnt have my brother so she took my husband. But when I told him he showed up 1 day later. I really missed him and havent seen him in 8 months.
I do not plan on seeing H between now and Friday afternoon.
You were 100% correct. I got the niceness from him. I was prepared and EXPECTED it and knew IT WAS NOT BECAUSE HE MISSES ME. I do not know what is worse. Him being sweet or him being mean.
Being mean hurts but keeps me away..being nice makes me..sad. Sad of the old H. Sad of how it used to be. Sad because I know it is his cycle. Sad.
It is because it is his cycle and that I have you V and KNOW now even though I do still LOVE HIM, I'm less IN love and more in love with the idea I think of my old perfect family. Makes it easier to detach and not have any hope..plus I had the beggining of D papers under my mattress lol.
He texted me at 6:02 am when he got off and said he was coming over to bring me money.
He came in, hugged and kissed kids, woke them up, had them bouncing all over my bed. Gave me 2 half hugs(leaned over bed standing) while I was fake sleeping, got me ice water. No kiss but laid his face against my cheek. I just pretend to be exhausted so I didnt need to talk.
He left and called.
Me in a very drowsy sleepy voice: hello?
H: hey you never told me about alexas school. Shes so smart. She reads to herself and did it herself. I'm so proud of her.
Me:huh oh I know I teach her everyday shes top of her class. I'm really tired. When did you even leave ( i knew he left i just didnt want him to know he hugged me like a creep.)
H: oh..I told you I was and gave you and kids hugs and kisses.
Me:sorry didnt notice
H: well I did but you wouldnt get up and see me
H: are you snoring? Hello?
Me:I'm really tired( not really I'm wide awake) I'll see you later ok
H: no I work tonight you know my schedule
Me: oh I dont know I cant remember
H: well you werent even paying attention when we talked yesterday. Yoh were too busy trying to talk to other people and friends over me. You only were on the phone but had no interest in what i was saying.
Me:you said something about fishing and something else..i dont know but I'm going to sleep now
My phone goes BEEP BEEP BEEP
H: there it goes again. Who wants to talk to you at 6:30 am..(pouty pissy voice.)
Me: fake sleeping
H: alright sleepy head i will call you later
Me:mhmm
H:i said I'll call you later
Me:mhmm
H: i dont have to if you dont want me to
Me: fake sleeping
H: sigh..go to sleep. Good night. Click.
My baby bro made 60,000$ this year off shore lobstering..he only went 4 months this year. He paid for my moms 700$ a month health insurance when she had breast cancer, paid all her bills and sent her spending money because she used all her pto already on cancer surgeries and appts.
He is a good egg. My sister is my backbone. She is a tough butt lesbian who hits like a dude but dresses like a princess. They are both younger but keep me up. I love them.
My brother said he makes more then enough money that he said if I want when I move out he is willing to prepay a house or appt for a YEAR in advance to help me and the kids or send 1000$ a month to help.
Last week he made 1200$ in 8 hours on the boat. So for him it is pocket change and would help ne. He keeps telling me I'll be fine because NOTHING BAD will ever happen to his babies.
HE LOVES MY KIDS. he bought them 300-400$ ride on cars.. 400$ trampoline..800$ spending money on our cruise 500$ disney ticket.. He spoils them rotten.
