Well, finally plucking up courage to post over 2 years after the Bomb Drop of discovering my husbands infidelity and having him walk out on our 2 children and I. I don't think he every uttered ILYBANILWY, simply advised he had been unhappy for years (gradually increasing amounts of years funnily enough) hoped in our only car and drove away.
The boys (then 10 and 11) and I have managed ok, infact we have been amazing and I have stalked this site for ideas and tips to look after us as best i can. Today i feel sick again and realise some of my coping may have been simply bottling things up waiting for this moment.
ExH (we are not divorced, but friends advise me he is engaged to OW who he drove off to be with and has lived with ever since) has not managed to make arrangements to see or talk with the boys (now 12 and 14) on a regular basis but drops in when it suits and lures them away with exciting activities and adventures.
ExH introduced the boys to OW 2 years ago because it was 'convenient'. Since then she has appeared on several occasions but not frequently as the boys have advised their Dad they would rather spend what little time they spend with him - just with him and not have to share him.
While trying to put healthy boundaries in place, i have supported the boys to go on adventures with their dad whenever they want because i understand they need him, he is there dad the only one they will ever have.
What makes me sick today and what i don't know how to manage is the sneakiness of him inviting the boys to do fun things - that part is good, i am ok with that - and including OW without having previously mentioned it. If the boys want to go on their Dad adventures they have to accept that she will be there. Even as i type i can see it is me who cant accept her being there, but i don't like that the boys are being manipulated bullied to some extent by their own father. It makes me feel sick. I would like to be the best me i can be, and think i get pretty close pretty much most of the time - but not today.
Today his behaviour is not ok and I dont want to condone it or have the boys condone it . i want to throw more than truth darts, i want to whack him on the head with a cast iron frying pan so he sees stars like in a disney cartoon, i want him to wake up to the lies and damage and hurt. But... the boys want to spend time with their dad, which means spending time with OW, which i feel reinforces that everything he has done and continues to do since he walked out is just fine. Oh i feel sick.
I have managed to keep the boys pre BD activities going - and they are considerable, i have finished renovating our marital home, sold it and moved. I have started full time work and been a full time solo parent. Just this week i realised that i don't think i can keep it all up - it is actually just a bit much for one person.
Any help appreciated - help to get through today and this new forever.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
welcome Kiwi. I realize you have been lurking for some time, but it is always refreshing to finally get that first post in.
it took me 4 months to register, and another two to actually post, so I get that.
Now that you are here and posting, I need to ask, have you read DR or DB?
much of what we talk about is rooted in those books and are fundamental for your work.
So, reading your post, I did not get a sense of what you do on a regular basis for self-care:
-What I mean is what do you do for your GAL activities, with the boys and without?
-what do you do to treat yourself from time to time (OR ALL THE TIME if you are good at this)?
-Have you had any sort of counseling sessions to help with your anxiety or any of the hurt feelings that you've had since your H abandoned you and your children to move on so quickly?
There will be others by asking more questions...as will I, to look at what you perceive and what your husband claims were the failings in your marriage. this will help with the 180's that MWD talks about in her books.
I am so very sorry you are here, but glad that you decided to post. I realize these long MLC marital issues are absolutely crippling, I spent way to long in a depressed stated waiting for things to get better. embracing the simple mantra of moving forward is a great place to start, and I think that you came to the right place for that.
Hi Kiwigal, I'm Jelly (living in little old NZ, if that means anything to you)
I am glad to see you post! I lurked for five months before I posted. I haven't regretted a day of being here on the boards. The love and support that can be found here is amazing, particularly if you finding it hard to the get old emotional bucket filled up in other places.
Sounds like you have some insight in what might be our stuff and what is co-parenting stuff. You also sound like you have taken a balanced overall view of the sitch and taken the high ground, no easy thing to do.
I am not a vet or a thriver( my word for the beautiful posters who have approached separation and divorce with grace and bloody good sense of humour), I call myself a clingon, a leech almost because I suck all the goodies I can from the gorgeous human beings that make up this board.
Kiwigal, keep posting whatever you do, people here have your back and you get the most from post regularly on your thread . Also, it feels so good to offer love and support to others. You also learn alot about yourself when you write to someone else about their sitch.
self care - a good question. I admit that i have made our boys my priority - and may need to ensure that the oxygen mask is more firmly placed on my own face before helping them with theirs.
Every day i walk our wee dog - just a small distance - he is small and there is not much free time in my days. It is good to get out and just be for a wee while - though sometimes this is the prefect chance for my brain to get busy too.
I read every day - escapism really trash/murders/mystery anything just not scifi.
If the boys are away i make sure to go out with friends - and actually i even go out and take them with me so we all have a sleep over occasionally. I do not say no to an invite.
My weekend mornings are my treat - i get up, do all the busy morning things, then sneak back to bed with a pot of coffee and my book and read until the pot is empty - knowing that the washing machine is doing its thing, the dishwasher is empty and the day is ready to begin. Bliss.
And geeky as this sounds, i live a good life. My life is very stress free as I am truly trying to be the best me i can be - honest, kind, true to me - which is an incredibly stress free way of living.
When the boys are at sports etc I try to go for a walk or chat with friends at their events.
I do have ideas of bigger GAL things i would like to get into - back into you could say - from pre marriage days; but cant quite find time for those - and think trying to make time would create stress. So for the timebeing, i content myself with thinking of things sort of like a bucket list but with positive overtones.
I have renewed my passport so one day i can travel again.
I had some counselling in the first year after BD - if i am honest, even that focus was primarily on the boys. I think i have done ok there but now need to work on me again perhaps? One thing that sticks loud and clear for me from the counselling was that this behaviour is not ok if i don't think it is. I don't think it is
ExH has not spoken to me of any failings - just stated on BD that he had not been happy for ages, years - and eventually ever, hoped in our car and drove away! Since then it has been life as normal for him (at least on the surface), living his new life without any of the constraints of the old one.
Maybe I have misapplied DB, but my biggest 180 has been to let him go. No ranting, no raving, no accusations, definitely no relationship talk, no me being right him being wrong, no judgement - all of which i did fairly often before BD.
I have made some educated guesses to the failings though try to spend more time thinking about me than him.
ExH enjoys spending money - lots of money. He has stated that he does not believe in saving and spent money in excess of what we earnt for the duration of our marriage. Hi parents, mother in particular, support and encourage this. His mother even told me once that she hoped he could always buy what he wanted.
This spending escalated to the point that during the year prior to BD, i issued an ultimatum stating that i would need to leave him if he spent big amounts without checking with me. That the boys and I would be better off without his (considerable) income than living with the continued spending.
At the time, without knowing the term 180, this was a complete 180 for me as usually i would rant and rave and berate him for spending - when i was very calm and matter of fact and i thought rather loving with my explanation that having no money but certainty of what was available would be better than a big income but the risk of there being no money available due to his spending.
Different attitudes to money would be a biggie i guess!
I discovered after BD that he had bought a very expensive car - yep that kind of large amount is what we had been living with being spent willy nillie (a kiwi expression - not meant to be offensive!) He had not told me and i can only assume that he really did not want to tell me to the extent it was easier to run away.
I also assume that i was enabling during our relationship and even fell into the spending more than we had lifestyle too.
While i have chosen to think this is an MLC, ours is my ExH's second marriage. He left his first following an affair too - in very similar circumstances. He always denied that he had had an affair, and his parents backed him up on this. They told a version of that marriage break up as a lack of trust and that his exW accused him of having an affair so he felt he had to leave. He never contacted her again after the day she told him she had found out about his affair, simply hoped in a car and drove away. There were no children from that relationship, but the pattern is exactly the same. I have only found out this version of events since our own BD. Maybe this is just who he is and MLC has helped me to feel better about my relationship choice.
I am a much better parent since BD, actively and consciously parenting. I am a much better me - a more authentic true to me version of me.
I want to encourage and support the boys to see their dad, but i want boundaries in place to keep me safe as well as them. I struggle with the contrary nature of this deep seated belief that the boys need to spend time with their dad, versus the fact that other than being their dad he is not a person i would ever want them to spend time with given his behaviour over the last 2 + years
suggestions to help manage this internal turmoil woud be a great help.
Ah Jelly - thank you so much. I think I am an active cling-on too - i have been sucking this site dry for 2 years - thank you all.
I might check out some co-parenting sites because it is the anxst of exposing the boys - in fact thrusting them into this schmozzle that is pulling me apart today.
I haven't liked co-parenting sites over the last 2 years - i feel they have not really applied to me and out situation as there has not been a parent to 'co' with. I look at it as the boys have had a solo mum (me) and an occasional sports coach (dad) as he turns up to take them to high profile sports events and to post on face book with them.
Do you have kids? How do you cope with them being in a situation that in any other circumstance you would not in a million years send them into?
Typing here has me thinking about why i feel it is all a bit much just now. The boys and i are doing really well and it is over 2 years since BD.
And i think that is exactly the reason i need to post now. I have shared aspects of my situation with friends and family - my family not my ExH - they too have just ceased to exist - not seeing or phoning the boys - their beautiful grandsons - sending impersonal christmas present cards.
I think that i feel as if i should be 'over this' by now, and to some degree have stopped talking about even the more extreme and bizarre actions and consequences that we are living with because i should have moved on by now.
I feel as if this is not a situation that you do move on from though, this has just become my new life with new circumstances to be addressed for the onwards journey.
So thank you to anyone who cares to post to me, i guess i am not sharing to the same extent in real life - and need an outlet here where others understand this kind of crazy.
Has what i thought were part of my 180 resource kit actually been me being a door mat?
Has what i thought was detachment implied that i am ok with ExH actions?
Have i implicitly condoned his behaviour by not doing my usual rant/rave/ "i'm right you are wrong" act?
Feeling better for typing my thoughts out however, and for feeling as if i am not going it all alone - and some of it is so crazy that only those in the know would ever believe.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
