Divorced and so grateful

[RosaLinda]

From my last thread:

Linda! How about another update? Did your ex go back to the Russian Tramp and her moldy oatmeal? Are you still dating your new guy? How are the eyes doing?

Hey there Ellie! Sorry for not posting more. I have been following you guys on Surviving the Big D, and thought it's time to move over here myself.

Things are going really well with me. My 30 year old son and his girlfriend have moved back in with me, and I really appreciate their help around the house, especially with the last couple of snow storms. I got a clean bill of ocular health from my eye surgeon last month - no more bleeding and I don't have to go back for a year! I'm enjoying my relationship with my fella - he is one in a million. It's so nice to be with someone who actually likes me, is kind and considerate, enjoys spending time with me, desires me. And who likes to do stuff together. I honestly was happy in my marriage, and loved my ex a lot, but was always envious of couples who actually got off the couch and went out and had fun together. Sounds like your guy; I am really happy for you.

As I wrote on your concussion thread, my new guy and I are both conflict avoiding fixers, which scared both of us, him a lot more, as he is a deep thinker as opposed to me, who avoids thinking whenever possible LOL. But we have vowed to always be honest and point out things that bother us about each other, and not try to fix each other. So far, so good, and we've been "exclusive" for about a year and a half. I have decided that the DB Process only goes so far towards healing us and making us whole -- there are some triggers and flaws within us that won't come up until we are in a new relationship. It is so awesome to have someone who understands and is willing to help work all this stuff out.

What can I say about my poor ex....besides saying he's like Paul Simon -- still crazy after all these years, poor man. He is lonely, living with his elderly deaf mom, and keeps in touch with me about once a week, and has started to connect with our sons a bit, well...if it does not put him out too much. He and the Russian Tramp are still engaged, and waiting for her fiancée visa to be approved. He says some health problems turned up that the consulate in Moscow is addressing. Possibly TB, from his description. Plus she had gonorrhea, which I doubt fermented oatmeal cured. Ex still complains bitterly about her - how demanding she is, assertive, confrontational, dogmatic and jealous. She reportedly does not permit him to have any friends, not that he kept in contact with any of his old friends after becoming so depressed 20 or more years ago anyway. And now she is after him to sponsor her own elderly mom, as well as herself, for a visa, and he does not seem to really want either.

The fantasy of love-lorn longing to be together from 5,000 miles apart seems to be a lot more appealing to him than having RT and her mom actually show up here on his (mom's) doorstep, and having to live with them in person. Plus....he told me that he plans to pay the No-Insurance Obamacare fee rather than obtain health insurance. I mentioned that since he has no income, he would qualify for Medicaid, and he said that he is afraid to apply for Medicaid because he had to certify that he is financially able to support RT to apply for the fiancée visa. Uh oh LOL. I don't know how they are going to support themselves, but that's not my problem thank God.

It's a sad situation, and I do not anticipate it improving any time soon. His health is not great - he still suffers debilitating headaches and fatigue and periods of confusion from the lymes, as well as atrial fib and joint pain. Oh well, he's living with the consequences of listening to a crazy Russian's medical advice instead of his doctor.

I made the mistake of mentioning his engagement to my youngest son, I had sort of assumed the ex would have told the boys, and my son was flabbergasted and disgusted, and said he wondered how long it would be before RT departs for someplace and someone warmer and more financially lucrative, once she gets a green card.

Well that's all I can think of! Thanks so much for checking in on me!

Old Thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653508#Post2653508

[Underdog]

Linda,

So glad you updated! I had to laugh at the Paul Simon visual. Just imagining you in your living room with a guitar and singing this ballad to your sons... I might need Ginger's narcotics...

I have decided that the DB Process only goes so far towards healing us and making us whole -- there are some triggers and flaws within us that won't come up until we are in a new relationship.

I totally agree. The only way you can heal what's really there is to live in it.

It is so awesome to have someone who understands and is willing to help work all this stuff out.

That's what commitment means. I'm so glad you and your guy have this foundation. It's super important, and you may have to agree to disagree at times, but if you're respectful and care, it sure goes a long way, doesn't it?

Of course, I'm biased. I happen to like both of you a whole lot. Since it's about me, I want you to stay together.

And it goes without saying that I'm so very glad you don't have to be in the middle of your XH's insanity. He sure has dug himself a most bizarre hole. I don't think I've ever heard a story as strange as his. Do you wonder when you talk to him if you ever had anything in common?

Hugs and love to you. Miss you!

Betsey

[Rick1963]

Hi Linda. Sending hugs and lots of loves. Hope you guys are coming to visit soon

[RosaLinda]

Thanks Betsey! I love new guy a lot, and am determined to do whatever work it takes to truly continue to choose love every day. Of course, I loved ex a lot too, but always felt and accepted that I loved him more than he loved me, and was expected to make more sacrifices. I even learned he was somewhat of a philanderer, six months after the wedding, and that he has been horribly depressed for over 20 years, but never suspected he was bat sh!t crazy. Maybe he wasn't

Thanks Rick. And, um, I just sort of invited a bunch of people to your house for Independence Day. sorry

[Rick1963]

Lol its ok

[Ginger1]

You know I love you and your guy. The gift of this process is exactly what you said, knowing you must chose to love everyday and knowing the work reaps many great benefits.

I think we both love in the same way, with our whole hearts and all we've got. Not because we are trying to win love, but because that is simply the way we love. I have not been in one relationship where I felt the love from my partner was equal or more. I have always loved more. But perhaps that's the way it seems to us. (although I absolutely sure I loved my ex more than he ever loved me).

Keep loving with your whole heart, it's a beautiful quality and I know your man appreciated and reciprocates.

And yay for the 4th! I've got the kiddo this year!

[Dawn70]

Linda,

I finally got a chance to read up on this board and I just wanted to say how happy I am to read about folks finding love after D. Your story is so sweet and so real and I was glad to read it. All my best!

[Vanilla]

Rosa Linda

A favour could you check in on a Newbie sitch Rednail and see what you think.

Another bat crazy sitch.

Rednail sitch

Thanks

V

[RosaLinda]

okay, glad to V

[RosaLinda]

Thank you Dawn, for reading my story and checking on me. It's so nice to meet you.

And thanks to you too, Ginger. I have always felt very very close to you, and think that we are are very much alike even though I am twice your age. We all knew that your ex is a big jerk, but I am sorry and surprised that your new guy, who had so much keeper potential, turned out to be a jerk as well. What the heck!

I truly believe that there is someone out there for both you gals - just keep your hearts open to the possibility of love. I had to try very hard to trust and be positive and open to love after living with a lying abusive crazy person for so many years, and love at my age sort of took me by surprise, but I think it's real!!