Hey all, I'm hoping for some advice. Boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years, most of which was happy. I'm in medical school and he moved with me from CO to PA for it. The move was rough, he does not like it here and had a hard time making friends and didn't like his job. Other significant backstory is we've had an open relationship for the last 6ish years that has gotten more and more uncomfortable. This past year, my mom got sick and died. Right around the time she got ill, my bf was tryin to hook up with one of his like 3 friends here (she has a whole list of problems, she was in a 7 year relationship at the time which was against our rules and then her and her guy broke up when she ended up in a psych hospital for wanting to commit suicide, so needless to say I thought she was a poor hook up partner choice. As I was also struggling, I asked and he agreed that we would suspend the open relationship till I was in a better place. I was clinically depressed and frankly, wasn't very pleasant to him. I'd pick stupid fights and get irritable and he shut down. Forward to about 2 weeks ago, I could feel him pulling away, j kept asking him what's wrong, he wouldn't say anything and finally he cracked and said he was unhappy and wanted to leave because he wasn't sure what he wanted in life anymore and he wasn't sure he wanted the doctors husband life and blah blah. I find out about 4 days later after finding a social media post that him and this friend have been having an emotional and physical affair for 9 months. He said he didn't know if he wa happy with her because he was unhappy with me or what and still was waffling. He said he needed some space so despite my desire, I went to stay with a friend for a few nights. Come to find out that OW came over to my home (I own our house due to a parental gift) while I was gone. I came home and the ssssntials of his belongings and left them on the porch with a note saying "right now, I need you to not be here. You've hurt me more than I have words for and you need to figure out what you want from life"
I waffle between wanting to try R (we were great together not long ago and i don't want to give up on an 8 year relationship without trying to see if it's fixable) and wanting to just move on as he went to stay with OW and her best friend.
I'm doing the 180 the best I can (I did contact his family just to tell them he was having a bit of an identity crisis and could use people to talk to), and have been giving him space.
Just received a text asking if he"may have one of the TVs there for his xbox". One if his issues is that the vast majority of the things in our house he views as mine. I don't care about a TV, I just don't know how to respond. "Sure they're just as much yours as mine."??
Im just lost on what to do. He's in the "affair fog" if you believe in that. And clearly hasn't stopped seeing OW but I'm not ready to just give up. I'm focusing on myself, got started on antidepressants and am in counseling. He refused IC or Couples C.
Anyone have any words of advice besides kick him to the curb?
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm really struggling between trying to play nice guy (give him the TV even though I know he wants it so he can play his video game with the OW) and telling him No, you did a bad thing and I've let you walk all over me since. I've been NC for like 5 days except when he messages me (he asked for a pillow of his a few days ago, I asked if he wanted me to wash it as it was filthy, he said yes thank you. I asked if he wanted to talk and his response was "if you want to", I said no, I just wanted to talk about his trip to CO on Monday and how he was getting to the airport, he said train, I said that I was going to offer a ride but you've already got a plan.") I'm always the nice guy and didn't fly off the handle when he told me about the affair. He confessed he didn't know how i was going to react and then (during a 3 hr conversation that was promptly forgotten able and said that he felt he was being fake when he said all of it), he was crying and saying how can you understand? How was I so weak and I think I want to make us work and blah blah . He spoke to the OW briefly after our conversation, and it was night and day . He came back and was the exact opposite (I dont love you, I don't think I ever did but I care about you. I never wanted any of this, all of which is complete bullshjt) E
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
We are currently seperated so clearing browser history isn't really an issue.
Didn't respond to his text at all. Trying the whole NC thing. Every day I get a little bit better at the being alone thing. When the weather's nice, it's actually quite lovely to go out and walk my dogs (something the bf always did) and when I can be busy with school, time goes by quicker. Slowly my heart is getting on board with my brain knowing that I'll be just fine without him around, and maybe even better. But I still miss him. And I don't miss the things he did for me, I miss him as a person. I miss talking to him (I had a dream about us just talking about new video games that are coming out and how my day was at school etc). And I can't help but feeling like he must be having the time of his life. Living without any of the responsibilities he had here. My father, being the awesome man he is, came out to spend a few days with me and reassured me that he will miss his life eventually. Compared it to a vacation, it can be pleasant for a while but at some point you just want to go home.
Also haven't been able to bring myself to sleep in our bed. No affair related things happened there (or so he told me, confined it to our guest bed, how considerate) but its a big bed and I don't want to sleep in it alone.
Sigh. One day at a time.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
One of the problems in our relationship is that I've been overly controlling. I'm trying to balance all the advice here to basically put on my big girl panties and set boundaries without coming across as controlling. My solution to this is probably not the right thing to do. I made him to move out (put all of his stuff on the porch) cause I needed him to not be there right now to focus on my own healing but I have done nothing else about trying to get him to stop is wayward activities. How do I find this balance? Doing what's right by myself and setting boundaries but also not coming across as though I'm trying to control him. (I think part of the reason for this affair is his need to rebel against me cause I told him I thought this girl was a bad idea)
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
I've started counseling, I got started on antidepressants (part of our problems stemmed from me being, to put it bluntly, a b*tch because of clinical depression). I'm spending more time with my friends and less time in bed just watching tv (another one of those pesky depression symptoms).
The problems he saw in our relationship were definitely real concerns that I'd love to address but he also cheated, lied, didn't communicate. I wasn't the person I want to be and I was so swamped in my own depression, I didn't see how awful I was being to him. I was so out of control in every part of my life, I started to try and control him more, and he rebelled. That, of course, doesn't excuse his cheating. But it leaves me in a limbo land where he is also doing the "wayward fog" thing where he's rewriting our whole relationship, telling me he never loved me etc. I'm working on making myself the me that I want to be and I want him to see that and to see that what we used to have is worth fighting for but he doesn't see it and has surrounded himself with people who are just constantly telling him how miserable he was and how he should just give it all up and be with the OW cause clearly, that's a healthy relationship (sarcasm).
So I am working on me. And I'm doing it for myself, but I"d be lying if I said I didn't care if he noticed. But he was also flawed in our relationship, and each day I remember more things I did not like and more reasons why I'll be just fine if he doesn't come back. I just don't want to bail on 8 years together without trying something different. I guess this is something different.
This is all so exhausting. I have no clue if what I'm typing even makes sense.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
So I'm still struggling with what to do with this damned TV. We bought it together but we also now have 4 tvs in the house (due to my mothers passing). There's no reason to not let him borrow it other than I almost feel like this is a test to see where I am. Old me would've happily let him have it as I certainly don't need it. But right now, this feels like continuing to let him cake eat and to ask for things one by one from me to ensure I'm still waiting for him. Even the phrasing of his text was weird (May I use one of the TVs there for my xbox). I know his video games are important to him (it's how he decompresses) so I don't want to come across as not appreciating that that's important for him (appreciation was one of our issues) but I also don't want to be over-accommodating because he is off in la-la wayward land and frankly, doesn't deserve any of my kindness.
M:26 H:32 T:8yrs ILYBNILWY/ "I'm not happy": 2/6/16 D-Day-discovered PA/EA: 2/10/16 Separated: 2/14/16 He's living with OW I moved to different state: 06/16 Currently: Trying to move forward
