My IC says there are 3 different types of communication problems in marriages. My H and I fit the pursuer/distance problem, which she said is actually very common and fixable.
Like you, my M also had problems - we were married for 20 years, so, of course it did. But, marriages have seasons and, just because it gets hard, you don't bail. You marry for better or worse and you do your best to fix the problems before you take the drastic step to get a divorce. Yes, it might have been easy for our H's to walk away because it was a rough "season". But, that is just an excuse not to put in the work.
You are where I was last Wednesday. I was talking to my IC and said "maybe H is right, maybe our marriage did stink and we should get a D". She said everything I just wrote to you above. And, you know what, she was right. All marriages have their issues - no one has the perfect marriage. It is all about how much the two people in it are willing to work on it.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
Anyway, I have not been doing great with divorce busting. I have upcoming talk with coach and I am embarassed to admit I did a lot the stuff I am not supposed to. What I have been doing good in is controlling what I say. I keep all of my thoughts to myself. I do not share the nasty little comments that pop into my head anymore. This is my biggest 180. I also do not call him for reassurances frequently. Iit did happen though regarding reconciling.
I am going to review some helpful things she told me in past.
Regarding communication:
Listen more then talk... I have been doing this Soft starts...("in my opinion" " from my perspective" When he hurts you say "you know I don't even know what to say" Don't assume. Ask for clarification Tone End conversation with positive End conversation when you sense bad tone
Documented chart of situation, old response, and new response and his reaction...this was very helpful and enabled me to learn to keep my mouth shut and decrease fights.
Regarding pursuing:
*Pursuing creates distance. Do not ask if he loves you. *I am seeking reassurance because fear is controlling me. Fear will drain you. Do not feed it. *act as if. Stop chasing. He rejects the part of me that seeks for reassurances. Do not share feelings of neediness and insecurity with him. It is not attractive and gives him the message " I have to take care of your emotionally"
Regarding negativity:
*Husband is struggling because he still feels connected *choose faith and hope * document a list of positives that come from husband (I on,y did this in beginning) * good feelings are contagious. Positive energy is very positive and that I should never underestimate the power of a smile. I need to set off good energy
Regarding friendship
*must cultivate a friendship. A lot of good things can come * things change. A lot can happen in a few month * friendship is the goal because he will be more committed. * regardless of outcome you are going to be friends because of kids (this is hard one for me and many on here)
I am not sure what I should talk about. His anger? Definatly. How I do not want to be in limbo? How a part of me feels that if I leave, he might actually come back and if he doesn't then that's ok too. How I am so depressed and miserable in limbo, despite reading and understanding some very logical advise.
Juju, I am on my way out the door but I wanted to comment that I think there is a lot in this post to think about. I am going to come back after work and reread this and explore further. As far as the little comments and asking for reassurance, I struggle with keeping them in too, but sometimes I will post them or text a friend and get it "out" that way.
Juju, I know we've had this conversation before. About pursuing causing distance. Except in our cases, it seems that non pursuing causes distance. I am wondering if you've had any more thought on that.
"I ask myself what is keeping me here? It is because I feel guilty because of what I did to contribute to marital demise... But do you think your actions warranted wife's current actions? I am asking myself that too."
I am very disappointed in how my wife's behavior but I can not judge her actions. I made mistakes, I behaved badly and I can't take it back. She feels what she feels. She is a product of her experiences. I accept her and how she handles her life.
JuJu, we stay because we want to. It's that simple. I stand by my wife during her struggle. I will stay as long as she is uncertain of her path. When it is clear to her I will support her choice. I love her and want her to do whats right for her. Will I be heartbroken, most certainly, but for me that will be the time to let go, to move on. I will hold my head up and know I did everything I could to keep the marriage alive.
Only you JuJu can decide when enough is enough. Your supporters cannot decide this for you. This is your choice, do not make it until you are ready. When the pain of staying is greater then the pain of going, things will become self evident. Peace
Just dropping by real quick. I am still really sick. I think it's walking pneumonia. I am exhausted by the end of the day and tried exercising and my chest was hurting. I am sure that This is the cause of my really bad mental outlook lately.
Arose, I definatly pursue. I think when I dont, I get more response from husband I just am impatient. Usually I stop when I get furious and give up and then he does come around and I take bait and pursue again.
Mutatio...
Thank you, thank you thank you. You serve as a good example. I have been really hurting and angry at my husband. I was ready to wait a month and then kind of give him ultimatum, with being ok moving forward. He just told me he had a pretty serious health event. He was having these issues prior to leaving as well. It was a big scare for him before he left. It has to be a big scare for him now. He is young to have these types of issues. Of course I am worried and more sympathetic.
I am really backing down and giving him the space he requests. He told me during last talk that he needed to get his life straightened out. He has OCD and I get this feeling that work has turned into a bizarre compulsion for him. They take advantage of it and he literally looked like he was going to cry when he talked about the stress of it. He made this comment " I can't let things go undone". " I need to work to provide". I told him in a nice way (no sarcasm) that I don't understand because he is not going to have a family to provide for.
I am just going to be there for him when he needs it. I feel detached right now but I do love him and want him to be healthy. I think this is more about a mental breakdown with husband. I realize that I have to just let go and come to the conclusion that sometimes it's not all about me. He is not running around with other women. He is not enjoying life and freedom. He is miserable and unstable.i am not going to add more stress.
Good to hear from you but sad to hear you are so sick! That doesn't help with this at all.
I think you have a great plan now. You sound empathetic to how your H is feeling and how you can help him by detaching. It is really a gift if you can give him the space he needs.
I hope you feel better very soon!
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
"I have been really hurting and angry at my husband. I was ready to wait a month and then kind of give him ultimatum..."
Thich Nhat Hanh wrote this and I copied and pasted it here for you. If you don’t know how to treat yourself with compassion, how can you treat another person with compassion? When anger arises, continue to practice mindful breathing to generate the energy of mindfulness. When anger comes up in us, we should begin to practice mindful breathing right away: “Breathing in, I know that anger is in me. Breathing out, I am taking good care of my anger.” We behave exactly like a mother: “Breathing in, I know that my child is crying. Breathing out, I will take good care of my child.” This is the practice of compassion.
JuJu, my dear friend, please treat yourself well, you deserve it. Learn to be compassionate with yourself, when you are angry be mindful in working through it. I have worked on my anger and I am so happy with the results.
"In many of our cases (especially husbands leaving) spouses had serious health issues or had to deal with recent death in the family. Why does that make them Want to leave instead of recognize the fact that life is short, let me me work with and appreciate the things that are truly important. (Especially since it's not just spouse that are being left but kids as well). What is going on psychologically?"
I am not a psychologist but I'll take a stab at it. I guess that the triggering event coalesces with some MLC issues. The individual is unhappy with they're circumstance and they feel this may be they're last chance to make they're life match they're delusion.
That's my guess but you know what free advice is worth, be well
Thank you rouky and broke.,,I am still not feeling great but hopefully slowly getting better. Did really light exercise and I was out of breath for a while so I am definatly thinking a walking pneumonia or secondary asthma.
Mutatio, I am going to try that. I have committed to a challenge of 5 min of meditation/ day. I was wondering what would be a good visualization to go with my breaths. (I kept resorting to climbing up 5 stairs and the down 5 stairs to coincide with my breaths...not very relaxing). I will try your mantra and see if it helps.
I often get consumed with the anger. I think, think, think of the ways I was wronged. The things I want to say to husband. The injustice of it all. I get mad at his mother because i feel she enabled it. I get mad at everything. And these thoughts and dialogues stay in me whenever I drive, or when I am doing something mindless.
Right now I am worried about husbands health though. I am sad that it has come to this. I feel like it is so fixable, but i know that he does not. And that leaves me with little options...move on or wait too we if he changes his mind. It's been 8 months and he has not though.
