Drop the rope and stop caring for her this is where I need to be at
Right now all I can do is work in me and become a better person someone that I love a little more than I do right now
I am working in my weight and my business
I do not want to loose my wife I lost her 8 months ago and truth be known probablŷ a couple of years before that as well
Yes she tried telling me she was unhappy and I did not listen I cannot change this I wish I could.
With everything that I know I still cannot drop this flipping rope I will keep working in it I really will
Today was a good day overall and I will focus on what I can control
Question time of the people that have been bombed who took the next step did you insist it was the one that dropped the bomb or did you decide that things had to move forward how did you decide when the time was right to push on with your life
Thanks
Ghost
It's awesome that you are working on your body. I think me and you started this whole fiasco around the same time. My whole world came crumbling on sept 14 / 2015. Ever since , I have lost a total of 35lbs but not because i worked out but because i starved myself. Thankfully it has made me look more attractive which has build confidence in me. Something i had lost ever since we had our first born. I catch myself looking in the mirror at times ( not trying to sound stuck up lol) I started going out with friends. I hve met some older women and boy do i love them. I have been hitting luck with older women lately , im 27 and i have met several 41 yr old ladies.Nothing serious.
I am not telling you thats the best advise, by no means. Work has kept me extremely busy, especially with a new promotion in management ( thank the men upstairs)
Now on to your question. I believe the time i dropped the rope was when my wife answered to my email. I remembered sending an email ( against DB rules) blaming myself for everything , telling her sorry , basically blaming me for all the mistakes. What got to me was her response , she was in fact agreeing and strongly reassuring me that it was my mistake this whole marriage failed. She didnt take any blame. Nothing was her fault. She even told me " i didnt deserve her " because i just admitted that i destroyed the marriage. Thats when i told myself , enough is enough. What am I doing? I am doing the same dang thing I've been doing this whole relationship which is to blame myself for everything. The whole 5 yrs we were together i would always blame myself and i never heard a " I am sorry" from my wife. Theres a point where enough is enough. Thats when i dropped everything and knew she didnt deserve a good man like me. What helped the most was that after 4moths without seeing my daughters , 4months!!! finally i take her to court, that same weekend i was able to see them. Nothing else mattered but my daughters. I love them so much. Just like I am sure you love your kids
Ghost No one is expecting you to be able to drop the rope right away. Not what anyone has said to you yet from what I remember. Everyone is telling you to do things for you. Stop obsessing over her actions and words.
Live a good proud life. Be awesome. Let her do what she wants. You will still have disagreements but the way you handle them and let it roll off your back.
The ripe dropping will come little by little over time.
But take the focus off of her is your biggest thing to overcome
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
Still living at home with the w still not been to mediation I am not in any hurry to push for that although more and more it feels like I am just delaying the inevitable
She still wants to be in separate houses and has not changed her stance since bomb date I thought over time she might see things differently
Her best friend has also seporated from her partner husband and is about 6 months ahead of my W and I and she is getting lots of positive encouragement to stick with her decision.
I have been working on me I hav been going to the gym and have joined a small personal trainer I have signed up to a 6 month program and I feel very motivated to loose 3 or 4 stone I plan to transform my body I am trying to take the focus off my w however I still cannot imagine life deleted without her ...I know I know she has already left the marrage it is just incredibly difficult seeing her every day in the house I do not believe that the dynamics of my situation is going to change until we are in separate houses and even then things may not change
I find myself going over a lot of the same things having many of the same thoughts I do not believe that this is fair on my children and over the last eight months I have had a good chance to look at myself and reflect upon the things that I have done and I except my part in the final year of our marriage my wife however does not believe any of this is her fault
Sandis I still do not fully understand if my wife is wayward or just a walk away wife I know she blames me for being controlling and abusive she told me on one of our conversations that all she ever wanted was a quality and for me to be an equal in the marriage I know I let her down there
I want to reason with her and I keep trying to tell myself that there is a chance I have still got such a lot of work to do on myself and Detaching from the situation I do not know how long it will take for me to get over my wife she says she has been unhappy for a number of years I do not believe I will be over my wife in two or three years
Me:48 W 41 M:18 T:26 2 D 18 & 4 2 S 17 & 13 Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation D filed 06/17 Separate houses 10/17 D Final 29/12//17.
This is happening and it's very very sad You can carry on and that's your choice or you can decide to change and move forward. Your weight loss sounds great and is a huge positive.
If your W ever does turn around then it will be a long time and that's hard to accept
Think of it like a dog that's kicked every time his master comes home and then the master stops. How long before the dog really trusts that the changes are for good ??
Your W has a picture of how her life will be when you separated. She is not going to change her mind until she lives this reality
Ghost I feel your pain but accept what is a move forward for you
As stated before, the longer you stay in the house together, the harder it is going to be for you.
You are doing such a good job working on transforming your body. I wish you would work just as hard at transforming your mindset.
I suppose we are similar to you and your W. You keep thinking you can persuade her to change her mind about separating. We keep trying to persuade you to change your mind about several things. Maybe we all are going in circles, b/c I don't know if we are accomplishing much ground. Do you think the board is helping you? I hope so, but you realize that when it comes down to it....it's up to you to do what you need to do.
Just like when we go for years eating things we shouldn't eat, and we aren't exercising. It seems our body really pays the price for it, and it's not fun whipping ourselves back into shape. Same applies for our mental selves. We get sloppy or unhealthy in our thought patterns and it is work to get back into a healthy mindset, but it can be done.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Get out bud! I like rd's synergy about a dog - just how many times does it get kicked until it says enough is enough. You have to get out of this situation, it's going to kill you.
Let me relate something that happened to me yesterday. My W came with the kids. She's been moved to another temporary place, about 6 miles away. She complained about getting to me through the traffic. I just said 'I know' and didn't enter in to conversation.
When she came back later, she was full of chat about her life and I showed interest, but was overflowing. Then today, she calls to get me to talk to my D, who was misbehaving. She was thankful I was there. OK, so she is starting to realise how much she actually needs me. No expectations, but it's a chink in her armour. There is no way that would happen if we were together.
As usual pal, we can help you as much as we can, but we're not on the ground and if you won't do anything we suggest, I don't know how much we can add.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I wonder when you will really stop and think about your situation. I mean really.
Your W has called it a day. You are not really doing anything to win her back. It is not her fault she is not warming to you. She has told you she wants out and she is free to do it.
She cannot be criticized for wanting to end the relationship. In fact no spouse can. When there is no love only unhappiness sometimes it is the best thing. Accept it.
Your reason to come to these threads is to find possible solutions to get your W back and employ them with the hope that the unilateral effort you put in will warm her to you. She however is under no obligation to do so. Remember she is the one calling it a day.
Posting over and over and over again that she wants out, wants a separation, is done, bla bla bla is not going to do anything.
People are telling you what you should and should not do yet you are doing very little of that work. Even so you expect results. Ask yourself why should she come back to you?
I mean ... apparently your biggest problem is your controlling attitude yet you go to the gym and spend more time with your kids and expect she will warm to you.
The last interaction you have had with her was tense and painful. Any further interaction has the likelyhood of ending the same way.
If you want to stand a chance of keeping her let her go and STOP concentrating on her.
I really wish you all the best but also really wonder why you use this forum if you dont apply the suggestions that involve your W. Only find ways around them.
