Baby steps

[Painter]

I'm starting a new thread before I'm asked to.

Link to old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2624704&page=1

I just re-read that entire thread. Wow. I'm glad I documented everything, it is hard to believe that so much can happen in such a short amount of time. And that I am still standing up! This has definitely taken a toll on my physical health, though.

Thank you to all the posters who wrote such caring, thoughtful advice. I really appreciate it.

I wanted to sum up where we are and what I feel has worked, and not worked, to the benefit of other posters. Obviously, it's been a roller-coaster and I don't know for sure that we're slowing down, but I'm hopeful - as always.

At this point, H seems to be putting in a real effort. Some of the behavior from his end that contributed to our problems, is much less frequent. He is doing some of the things that I have said are important to me. He seems warmer, and firm in his commitment to working on the M. This is what I notice about 50% of the time.

The other 50% of the time, I sense underlying anger/coldness toward me, frustration over not feeling heard or considered/respected, a need for total independence, and some expressed doubts about the future of our M.

However, this is improvement. Really great improvement, compared to where we were a year ago.

On my end, I DB about 50% of the time and fail at it about 50% of the time. Examples of the first is when I validate and support H about non-R issues, express positive feelings towards him in his LL, meet his needs, avoid R talks, keep things brief, don't complain or criticize (I have definitely improved greatly on the criticizing).

I fail at DBing when I pursue R talks, ask for my needs to be met, continue to R talk and press harder for my needs to be met.

Also, it has worked well for me to be very firm and strong on defending my legal rights if H were to leave me for OW. Refusing to leave the home or M bedroom. Being clear that what I want (when H asks) is to save our M, but that I will survive if it doesn't, and that he is of course free to leave if that is what he feels he must.

This is what I see when I look back and analyze what has worked and what's not working.

Emotionally, I go back and forth between feeling hopeful, angry, and defeated at a 50/30/20 ratio.

Marriage isn't for sissies!

[JksD]

Thanks for updating on your sitch, Painter. 50/ 50 sounds good!

You sound like you're moving in the right direction.

[Painter]

I was going to update the other day, but had to abandon the post half-written.

H has pulled away again. He says he feels nothing, being close to me feels forced, he doesn't even feel the connection when we ML. I have noticed that his interest suddenly dropped. He said something about separation but 'doesn't know how we would do that.' He doesn't seem to think there is anything in particular that has caused it.

Afterwards, he said it was a good conversation! He's done that before when he has aired his negative thoughts about our future. It's peculiar, and seems to demonstrate a certain lack of empathy (this is pretty consistent).

I said that it was somewhat confusing that he just 2 weeks ago was adamant that he did not want to S but wanted to work on the M, but that I also thought it would be natural for the euphoria after reconciling to dim. I also added that maybe he was confused as well? - he didn't reply - and that it is after all only 2 months since he (supposedly) ended a R with OW that has been going on in one form or another for more than 2 years, and it was natural to need time to process that. He made a slight face at that.

Not sure if he is in contact with her again. Have no evidence to indicate that he is. But then again, I didn't see how he had time all last year, and he somehow managed by calling from work and e-mailing for months and months. It's the first thought in my head, that he is talking to her. That he's pulling away because she's back in the picture. I hope it's not, but if it is, I hope I found out quickly.

I told him the next day that if he wants to keep working on the M, I'm willing to give it time, and it's what I prefer - but that if he wants to S, I'll be okay with that. To not let his concern about how I would react, stop him from being honest. I assured him that I will be okay regardless what happens.

And I asked him to *please* be honest. That the worst is secrets and lies, it hurts more than anything else. He nodded.

Then for some strange reason, I've had a great day today, woke up feeling better than I have in weeks. I have slept in my own bedroom after his statements above a couple of days ago, it just didn't feel right to share his bed right now.

Also had a session with DB-counselor, we talked about me, then about what works with H and to keep doing that (communication-wise, I described it in the first post in this thread), and about our different communication styles. She helped me see what exactly I was doing right and what I can't change in H because it's gender-based communication style.

Later in the day, I had a really moving conversation with a random young man about his childhood and background - he is adopted, like H, and we just had this great, open conversation about what that's like.

H and I had dinner and watched TV, completely peacefully.

Ended the evening with a long, scheduled work call, so I'm staying busy in many ways.

Tomorrow will all be working from home, Friday I have an all-day art class. I seem to be able to focus and not be devastated by H's twists and turns. In some ways, it's almost better when I think we're going to split, because when we're working on the M, I don't feel like I get my needs met very much. When we're not trying, I don't put my needs out there so it's easier.

[Painter]

I just made some calculations and found that H and I can manage a S if one financial puzzle piece falls into place. I feel relieved - it's just reassuring to have that knowledge.

[Ancaire]

Painter - I took the time last night to leave you a long, thought out response...and it is not here! LOL That happens sometimes.

You really are my hero. You've been working at this for such a long time. I completely respect you for that. M is a big deal, and should be treated as such. If, after all the work you've put in, it still doesn't work out - I can guarantee it's not because of something you did or didn't do.

To me, your H shows all the signs of MLC confusion. "Yes" one minute, and "no" the next -knowing the right thing to do, and not really wanting to do it - I love you, I don't love you enough. It all sounds so familiar to me. It's heartbreaking, isn't it?

I want you to know, I'm completely behind you, whatever you decide to do. You matter. You've been so busy trying to salvage what may not be salvageable at the moment - I'm sure it does feel freeing to imagine NOT working on it for a while. What a burden lifted from you!

This DBing is hard work. It gets exhausting when only one half of a couple is doing the heavy lifting. I don't feel like you're giving up - I just sense that you need a break, and H needs time to really think about just what it is he wants. He needs to realize just how wonderful you are. I can see it, easily. He needs to get there, too.

Whatever you need, whatever support and prayers you require - I'll be happy to provide. You deserve really good things, Painter. I'll do my part to help you get them.

[Painter]

Thank you for your sweet words, Ancaire, they really felt uplifting.

We have already decided that if we do S, I will stay here and H will move out. That makes it easier - I don't have to think about finding a place or moving my stuff.

I'm curious if I would actually be happier. I'm sure the initial peace would feel good, for both of us. It's been hard, not just on me.

[Painter]

Just had an interaction with H that I would like input on:

We sat down to watch TV, and I couldn't get the sound to work. Tried different controls and turning the TV off and on again. Still no sound.

H went off on me and said that this is what he's said over and over, that I let the TV stay on for hours and hours on end without watching, and now I had broken it.

It's not true that I leave the TV on without watching it - what will happen is that I'm watching/listening from the kitchen while cooking dinner, then he comes home and we start talking, then he goes into the living room and asks "why is the TV on when nobody's watching?" and I tell him I was watching until he walked in the door.

Lather, rinse, and repeat.

Suggestions for how to handle this? I think it's so unfair and nasty that I have a hard time staying calm. I pointed out that the TV is almost 10 years old and I did *not* leave it on for hours without watching.

Right after that, the sound worked and H claimed I hadn't turned it up high enough when I was trying earlier. Maybe, maybe not - I don't know. I thought I did.

I took my dinner and ate in my office. I'm there now, but my back hurts so I think I'm going to go to bed. The strange thing is that we had just a little earlier had a short, but joking exchange about how he blames me for everything - I said, 'I know I'm to blame for everything that hasn't turned out the way you wanted it in your life', and he replied, 'You're damn right you are! That's great that you finally got it!'

He's been much more aggressive lately. It's similar to when he first got involved with OW.

[Sotto]

Hi Painter, I'm a little like your H in that I hate the TV to be on for longer periods of time as background - I find it stressful. I only like to have the TV on to watch a programme and then I turn it off. Do you think that's what he is trying to express to you, but it's coming out as aggressive and snarky comments?

I felt that kind of aggression from my H too. One of his areas of focus was the pants I wore & he would keep mentioning them in a snarky way. Whether this means he is in touch with OP, IDK. Have you seen other potential signs of this. It could just mean that he is having an 'off' phase WRT his feelings about the M.

Maybe it's a good time to change things up a little with the TV? Try having some calming music playing for yourself and a nice candle lit? See what effect that has? I'm not suggesting trying to contort yourself to please him, but it would be good to break the old wash, rinse, repeat cycle WRT the TV perhaps?

Hope this helps a little xx

[Painter]

Thank you for the idea, and I'm sorry your H criticized your pants! That is really rude and uncalled for.

H has the TV on between dinner and bedtime and on some weekends to binge-watch Netflix series, but he's annoyed that I have it on when he's not here, or when he is home and I'm watching something he doesn't want to watch. He talks about how the TV only has a certain numbers of hours before it dies. It's a total double standard and very unreasonable, IMHO, so I'm struggling to find a way to validate. It makes me feel like he's counting what it costs for me to live here, if that makes sense.

[JellyB]

Hi Painter,

I am wondering if you could lend your expertise to kiwiGAL. She is asking some questions about co-parenting. I have always loved your advice in this area. I think kiwiGAL would benefit from knowledge.

Cheers Jellyxxx