Money - Does she work? Why doesn't she? What specifically do you pay for?
REALLY interested on everyone's thoughts about the finances
--W wanted to be a stay @ home mom and i supported that. W is now putting all her eggs in one basket applying for a job she is no where near qualified for. Should I encourage W to get any job she can find in the interim? Don't want to be controlling so I am being positive and encouraging when she brings it up and letting her choose her path. i guess the encouraging behavior is a 180, because W thinks I didn't want her to have a job, even though stay @ home mom was her idea. If it is a bill I pay it, mostly family stuff, groceries, car, phone, insurance, food, liquor store, everything. W has had Dinner a few times 2-3 with her close girlfriends and ...I pay that too. Probably just sitting around encouraging W to leave me knowing them. They probably just validate her unhappiness and honestly want her to be happy, but they are not offering words of encouragement for our marriage, that I feel confident of.
Activity 1: What are you goals? They need to focused on you and not things like "Get her to hug me once per week." Instead, "I will try and validate my W at least once per day."
Activity 2: List your 180s. Think of the complaints she has given about specific characteristics of you. These could be things such as poor anger management to spending too much time working to not spending enough time with the kids to never folding laundry.
Hope i did this quote right.
She doesn't really talk to me about anything. i guess the anger comes later? I feel like she is just running away.
Activity 1:(read my R goals from when i was 2 that chapter and they are ALL W will do this/ W will move home by..) Need to regroup
1) I will try to distance and detach by not calling or texting for one week unless absolutely necessary for something about kids.
2) I will stop spying on game
3) I will validate if/when given the chance, for anything (tough because she doesn't talk)
4) I will finish DR this weekend
Activity 2: (180's)
1)to not be jealous or controlling. I will not and have not been asking questions about how she spends her time, what she did, why she bought something etc. No inquires into her actions
2)W thinks I am a hoarder (W is just\st as bad IHMO, but that doesn't matter now)Get the house cleaned and organized. I am getting rid of a bunch of stuff/clutter that annoyed her
3)Physical fitness - Joined a gym and am working with a trainer. I want to be able to rock a tank top...
4)not pursing - always have in the past and was always the first to apologize. Honestly can think of a time she apologized in 13 years.
I feel like these are kind of weak. Maybe once i finish DR I can readdress.
Dude.. These goals are fine if they are valid for you. BUT you even apologized at the end of your post. Stand tall. Stand in the storm my friend. It is HARD. But you must be worthy of respect before you can demand it. I have had to learn some very difficult lessons and I see myself 6 months ago in you.
THIS IS FUTURE YOU CALLING. BE A MAN.
She's gonna do what she's gonna do. The whole DB process is about conquering FEAR and letting go. Don't give into your fear of what she is up to, who she is with, or whatever you are obsessing about. Realize that you are not in control. All you can control is you. Focus on yourself. Improve. Become BETTER than the guy she fell in love with.
Practice NO LOSE thinking. In the end, if you stick to your guns. I will be a better man whether you have her or not. If you invest in yourself you ALWAYS see a positive return.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
I think this is pretty on track. You might want to consult with an attorney (maybe you did) before throwing down the child custody gauntlet.
I would not concern myself with OM. He is just being male. He may not even know who you are and if he does god knows what lies she has told him about you to justify her own behavior. You will get no lasting satisfaction from this. It will driver her further toward him, and she is likely to replace him if he drops her.
Me: 39 W: 38 T-18yrs M-13yrs 2 Girls: 10 & 3 EA BD 5/24/15 Separate Bedrooms 6/12/15 PA BD 7/3/15 Separate Residence 8/8/15
Just started reading your story. I also think that we have ALOT in common about how we handle ourselves and our situations. I appreciate your feedback and value your input, so please keep following my thread. I do need to accept that things are the way they are and realize I can't control her. I find myself just wanting to know what she is upto and tell myself it will help me. It does not help me and it does not help my DBing. The time I spend on the BS I could be bettering myself and I will try to remind myself of that from now on. I WILL BE BETTER THan THAT MAN but not for her, for myself. I too accepted my identity in life as the husband and father and NOT as me. I like me, I miss me, I will be me!
I agree, it won't help to confront. It will make her feel sorry for him and resent me further. It is not for me to issue vengeance, we all will face judgment one day and I will not let their filth contaminate myself or my children. Your right on the custody stuff, I am probably screwed on that if she wants the kids.
W and I don't really have any communication about things related to next steps. We are separated ( 2 months) and only discuss logistics around day to day stuff for kids. I think scheduling an hour a week would be a good thing to get a chance to understand her reasons why D is what she wants and also a good chance to validate her feelings. Would this be pursuing? Thoughts on is this a good idea and if so, how should I approach it?
I was reading the below thread on do's and don't
" 3) Try your best to refrain from initiating any conversation that puts her out when you bring it up. Suggest that the two of you meet every Sunday night for at least an hour, so you guys can discuss legal matters, financial arrangements, visitation schedules, and any other serious issue that needs attention. NOTHING EMOTIONAL, or MARITAL, at least not for a while (this means no more venting your feelings). All questions and issues that deal with your failing marriage or your broken heart must be put on hold until she wants to talk about them, which can take a long time"
So, I think that my wife wants to be divorced, but wants me to file. I am thinking about stating that this is not what I would choose. I know that with god's help we could rebuild this marriage if we both wanted to, but also I now that it is not in my control and if that is her choice then she needs to do what she needs to do. Anyone know of any good threads I can read before we talk?
Thanks Thornton. My mind has been spinning. I appreciate your input on my thread. I will keep it short and simple. She doesn't really currently have access to finances to due this as I have protected myself as advised by others. I am sure she will say that she doesn't have the ability to, I guess I can say that we are separated and it is not my responsibility to take care of you, and as you said, "I will not help in any way" I was planning on telling her no more internet and no more cell phone as I will no longer be facilitating her contact with OM in anyway. I know she will still have access where she is staying but dang sure not in our MH, not in front of our children any longer. I have recently found out that they tell each other they love each other on speaker phone in front of my children. NOT COOL.
