New night(s)

[kyrie]

Hi! Yes, I need to catch up. Friday I hit my wall...my limit. He pushed and pushed after a long day. He brought up divorce again and I acquiesced (for lack of a better word). Kinda like saying "FINE!". I handed him a sheet of paper to start writing out an agreement or whatever. Then he stopped. It was really ugly on my part - I haven't been that in-your-face to him in a very long time.

I went to bed. Next morning we got a text that his grandmother, with whom he was always very close - closer than his mother if that tells you something, was in the ICU. She's long had health issues and is 77 years old. Spent most of Saturday & Sunday trying to find out what's going on (dying, will happen soon) and what to do (fly? drive? all of us?). She wanted him to do her funeral, and that's only right. So, any divorce/separation talk went on hold.
He acknowledged that my support during this has been helpful and even kind (WOW, that's huge from him - usually it's all how terrible of a wife/woman/human I am). Thing have actually been kinda good in the house since all this hit. We played some games together and talked a bit about lighthearted things.

I had made up my mind to stop all "trying" and even go dark/separate completely. I have stopped doing his laundry and some of the little things ... it feels rather 'dirty' to do that, especially while he's trying to deal with this stuff with his grandmother.

Just got a text from him asking if I had been talking to the Bishop...whooo boy...

[Vanilla]

The bishop is your confidant as he is so understanding and discrete. A sort of confessor......

V

[Vanilla]

My prayers are with you both and grandma, it's always sad when a loved one has ill health.

V

[kyrie]

Thanks V. The bishop has a conflict of interests here. He really does not want to scandalize the church, nor lose H in any way (his crutch in many ways). Plus I don't have a lot of confidence in him.
H did not bring anything up about that last night. Left early this morning to go to IL to be with the family.

[Vanilla]

When truth emerges then it won't matter what the bishop thinks or wants. Applying spin will make it worse.

This may be a distressing period for WH which will cause change of one kind or another.

I hope his higher spirit guides him to reality, even though this may create confusion and regret.

This is a difficult time, be kind to yourself.

V

[kyrie]

Things have been spiraling a bit lately. H is still out of town, doing the funeral today, returning Sunday night. Got a call from my eldest daughter's school today that she was passing a note that had cursing and talked about cutting. I was finally at a point where I wanted to move forward with a separation but perhaps this complicates things. Next week is Spring Break. Eldest daughter was supposed to go with her grandmother (XH's mother) to Arkansas for the week, starting tonight. Now I dunno.

[kyrie]

The school counselor spoke to D a bit. She says she's scared that this will upset H - that she can never please him and that the situation is impossible. I totally understand her feelings.

[kyrie]

A long time has past since this. Since she went to her grandmother's that week, she cut herself. A lot. So grandmother went full force into "protecting her" from us, ignoring that D did that to herself. XH demanded custody, so to prevent further escalation, I granted it. She has been there for 2 months, still cutting herself, still spiraling down in her behavior.

H and I have gone to a counselor a few times. The counselor asked if both of us wanted the marriage. H said he did. I said... IDK. Which kinda shocked me. She asked if we would both continue MC. We both said yes. She asked if both would continue IC. I said yes, he said NO.
Now, since then, he has made a real effort in many things. Even admitted that he had "Sinned against me" and had been very self-absorbed. General statements, but much more than has said until now. HIs attitude towards me has been mostly a 180, though sometimes some old patterns have re-emerged in both of us. Here's the kicker: his porn use continues. Every time he uses it, his attitude towards me is more distant, distracted or frustrated.
At this point, I dunno what to think or do. Most everything seems to point to "Piecing". Is that a fair assessment?

[kyrie]

OH, and to be fair, I have completely blown up in anger a couple of times at him. He made a few comments about my appearance...considering it felt like he was making comparisons (unintentionally) to his expectations fueled by porn, I really reacted. Really really reacted. He said he forgave me. But the issue has not gone away & we don't seem able to deal with it.

[trumpet]

Kyrie,

I'm afraid your H needs an intervention. Clergy and pornography are at complete opposing world views. His shame is high, and he covers his shame with more pornography. He sees no end to it, as it's his crutch, and our evil foe will use the path of least resistance to get to us.

Continue to seek counsel. If you don't know about the marriage, things have gotten to a point that others, in kindness, need to show him a different future, The future where he continues his path, or he chooses the narrow path, and works his way back to you. Only he can make that choice, but I've seen people on this board get through the fog, and others that retreat into the fog. Let the Holy Spirit do the work that you can't do - and continue to pray.