May I ask question ? Is it normal that the angry spewing, snarls and rages happen when Husband is at the later half stage of replay ? (I did a lot of research, I read HeartsBlessing's blog, I think that my husband had a first awakening last July)
Bomb dropped on Sep. 2014. Husband had both EA and physical affair with two young women... the first one is his work friend, who is 26 years old, he met the other lady and said they are in love with each other when he claimed that he divorced me and moved out of our apartment last June.
I recognized he's having midlife crisis for below reasons - he liked to hang with young people he had hair style(outfit) changed he had all his money spent he drank a lot (he never like alcohol before) he blame me for everything he came from an emotional polluted family, parents fought to each other all the time. he gave me the speech of "I love you but not in love with you anymore" he told me he felt something was wrong when my grandma died during spring of 2012
I'm standing now. He pushed and forced for divorce many so times. I appreciate your help and reply !!!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Babe, You need to try to remember that they are very emotional during the crisis and if something doesn't sit right w/them, they can and most likely spew. They can spew right up until they get through the deep, dark depression/withdrawal. If he's spewing at you, say "h, I'm sorry you feel that way or having a bad day" and then walk away. When you don't engage w/them, they will eventually simmer down. The more you engage, the more you are pouring gasoline on their emotional fire and justifying why they have left you.
To answer your question, yes, they can spew for a very long time, i.e., right up thru the withdrawal stage and sometimes in the acceptance stage (depending upon whether they are revisiting all of the stages before settling down). The stages are not linear, but they can bounce back and forth through them at the drop of a hat.
A crisis can last a long time. It's certainly not a sprint, but a marathon and it will try your patience. So, if you going to stand, dig deep for lots of patience because you will most certainly need it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I've been through this for 18 months after bomb dropped... He throw the wedding ring to me and moved out of our apartment last June. He would say all the mean things to me and pushes for divorce. Blamed me for everything and almost had me convinced that our marriage is piece of junk.
I pray for him and had support from campus crusade here in Taiwan; I worked on myself for a year and am stronger now. You may understand how difficult it is to get over the hurt from his affair and deal with his antics at the same time (I know that I'm not alone, I study a lot and learn a lot from your posts, thank you and thank you !!)
I'm studying the material that Cadet recommended and I will keep that in mind -> "h, I'm sorry you feel that way or having a bad day" and then walk away. He would apologize every time he went to far but still he will spew maybe within a month or two.
He had money spent thus he had debt; I'm safe with my financial, I'm working and I have my own deposit.
By the way, he started to complain his job and his colleague, which he blame me in controlling his working hours before, I recall the HeartsBlessing mentioned during the tail end of replay, her husband complained about his job. I understand it is not healthy when you're too focusing on the stages of his crisis, but sometimes to know he is progressing will be a bit relief.
Job, thank you for the article shared - why they run. That helps me in understanding his running behavior; also I have compassionate for what he's been through.
They complain about everything, including jobs during replay. It's throughout replay and it can go into depression/withdrawal as well. Keep in mind, each crisis is as unique as the person experiencing it, i.e., their personalities, their childhoods, etc. are very unique and yes, they may be similar, but each one is different. The MLC lingo is called script because they all say pretty much the same things at one time or another.
Try to keep the focus on you. You have to take care of yourself and leave your h to the man upstairs to take care of. You didn't break him, therefore you can't fix him...he has to do that all on his own.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you for getting back with all the information !
I joined the supporting group of CRU(campus crusade of Christ) three months ago. They encourage the left behind spouse text/email husband, showing husband the love and care that wife have for them. I tried, I send text message to husband, he seldom answers, which we are taught to keep the expectation down to zero.
After two months, when we had phone conversation(2 weeks ago) he spewed with rage, he told me he cursed his mother. He broke the chair (I heard it) I kept my silence. Like you said, he complained about jobs, his work friends, the marriage... almost everything.
I did not really use the method - go dark. I would appreciate if you could let me know the true meaning/action of go dark.
Soon we are going to celebrate Chinese new year, my mother in low invited me for new year's eve dinner with them, my husband did not ask or invite me to. Shall I go ?
Please stop texting/emailing your h. That is called pursuing and he doesn't want to hear it. The less you do this, the more of a chance that he'll become curious and contact you.
He's angry at the world and you are the most likely target for the sprew right now because he thinks you are part of his problem...you aren't.
Going dark is just what it means...you do not contact him, you do not pursue him. You leave him totally alone and only respond if a response is necessary. You only contact him if it's an absolute emergency, if it isn't, you take care of the problem. You do not rely on him for anything. Going dark is for YOU, not to get him back. Dbing is for YOU, not to get your h back. Dbing helps you to find your footing and learn how to communicate w/others in the world. It teaches you how to not react to their comments and actions.
Question...how well do you get along with your mother-in-law? If you get along with her, then it's up to you to decide if you want to go....but understand...if he's there, no expectations and be upbeat and have a good time. If you opt not to go, then you need to decline and just say that you are busy or have other plans. His family doesn't need to be in the middle of what's going on between you and your h.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
