I've been reading along, but this is my first post. I hope to be able to post more, but time is sort of at a premium right now. There are a lot of moving parts in my situation right now (as I know there are for many here) - cancer, a failing business/possible bankruptcy, substance abuse, financial lies, a separation initiated by H, a 2-year-old, etc., and I could really use some input with one of them.
Yesterday, I got notice from my auto insurance that H changed something on the policy. Turns out that something was to remove his car and add a car he just bought. He emailed me that night saying, fyi, he traded in his car and is going to become a ride-share driver (as in, Lyft/Uber), starting this weekend. He had no intention of telling the insurance company how he planned to use the car, and they don't insure vehicles used for that. I cheerfully told him this morning that I was glad he got a good deal, hoped the car worked out well, and I thought we probably needed to separate policies (which would mean me dropping his car from my policy). He is asking me to wait because he hasn't started driving yet.
I told him earlier today that I'm not comfortable waiting past tonight, but that I was happy to leave him on for today if that was helpful. My reason is that nothing he says has been trustworthy for months, so I really have no way of knowing when he is going to start, and he didn't even tell me he bought a car and changed our insurance! I haven't gone into that with him. He is challenging me, "Please leave it on. Why are you not comfortable?" There is no way I want to get into monitoring when he *actually* starts, etc.
I have the sense that this is a boundary I need to keep, but I could really use some input, and either support or alternatives, before I see him tonight when he comes to be with our son. I really appreciate any insight anyone has to offer - thank you so much!
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Without knowing more about your situation, I'm not sure what the best course of action is regarding continuing his coverage on the car insurance. Are you together in the marital home? Are there other financial boundaries in place?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
You mentioned an awful lot of things and insurance seems to be a detail rather than the biggest issue. It may be what's on your plate at the moment, but it would help us to have a better picture. Can you give us a breakdown of your relationship, where it is currently at, and what your partner is telling you at this moment? What would they say are the issues? What is the current status? Are you living together or separated? When? First marriage for both of you? How old are you both?
Once we know the whole picture and where things have been moving we can start to be more helpful.
Thanks. Keep posting.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Thank you so much for your reply, which I didn't see until now! Sorry about that. I'm a little confused about the mechanics of the board, but I'll get it.
Yes, I have read DR and am on my second reading and working the exercises, etc. now. Thanks for sending all of those essential links - I have seen and read most of them following other newcomer threads in which you've posted, and I've opened a bunch of them in tabs right now to read again. Many thanks again.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Joie, I see you figured out how to post! Keep posting and share as much as you can, the more we know the better we can help you. I think the insurance issue sounds like a reasonable boundary, but I don't know your whole story and I know nothing about Uber driving. I guess I assumed that the uber company would carry the insurance. Anyway, I am sorry you are here, but you are in a good place.
Thanks so much for the replies. Just getting used to the board here...
Re: the insurance company, I held the boundary because it is not allowed by our insurance company. One pattern is that he does what he wants, whether it's legal or whether it's what he agreed to, etc.
Here are the basics, plus a little (heh) extra: Me (W) - early 40s H - late 40s T- 9 yrs M - 6.5 yrs Son - 2 y/o H diagnosed with cancer (non-aggressive, completely treatable, but still terrifying, etc.) - January 2015 I completed a major professional milestone - May 2015 BD (H: I need space)- July 2015 S (H moved out) - August 2015 H relapsed on alcohol (had had almost 10 years dry, a few of those in actual recovery) - a week after moving out, Sept 2015
We conceived in late 2012 and both quit our full-time jobs (both required extensive travel) in 2013 to start our own businesses. Yeah, we had a baby and did all the rest of that in one year - I know. :-/ My business is a professional service with low overhead, and it has gone well, grown fairly steadily, and has been our only income and supported us through the last couple of years. His is retail, and it has gone deeper and deeper into debt (for which we are both responsible) pretty steadily since it opened. For the first few months, we both just thought it was "the way it goes" with new businesses. Then the accountant and I started saying, hmm, the debt is starting to get worrisome, and H was absolutely uninterested in hearing it. I tried every way I knew to be as supportive as I possibly could (and had done all of the legwork to get the business loan, work with the accountant, etc., while running my business and taking care of our kid most of the time), but anything I said other than, "That's wonderful! Do whatever you want!" was not okay.
Our accountant finally quit in September of 2015, saying he was not open to the professional input, and basically she did not feel comfortable with the acceleration of debt accumulation, and with the willy-nilly business practices.
I need to go spend time with my toddler, but I'll be back soon. Thanks so much for the replies and for reading this epic post.
Thanks again, Cadet, for that bit. Absolutely- keeping it hidden, for sure. I have been reading on the boards for quite a few weeks now, and have gathered so much good input. It is a little discouraging to see how many marriages either don't make it ultimately, but reality is reality, and there's tons of encouraging stuff here.
Cristy, thank you so much for your post, too. I have really been considering coaching; the financial issue is really huge right now, so I'm just continuing to mull it over, but I may end up calling this week. I stopped ind therapy because it wasn't lining up enough with a solution-focused approach, and because it was expensive, and because I felt like the therapist felt sorry for me, and I don't need that. I would have called today, but my little sweet pea didn't nap long enough.
Here's a bit about me, while I cook and field requests from that little sweet pea, who's playing with a sitter...
I have been doing hard-core GAL since BD in July of last year: Al-Anon, exercise, mindfulness meditation practice, massive support from friends and family, taking good care of myself in terms of body, clothing, hair, etc., and just generally loving life. Part of my difficulty considering whether to continue waiting this out is that the rest of my life is so happy and good.
Prior to completing that professional milestone in May of last year, I was working between 50-70 hrs/week for about 9 months to get it done. And taking care of the kiddo most of the time while H did 7 days/week retail. It was very rough on both of us, and finances were stressful, and then cancer...you get the picture. Lots of our silliness and warmth was preserved through that, but lots of our "laziest" stuff emerged, too, and his depression and anxiety definitely started to soar after cancer and as business debt continued to accumulate. With so little sleep and so much stress, plus the mounting pressure of a deadline, I definitely was feeling more depressed and anxious than I ever usually do, and I became quite negative without wanting or meaning to.
I'm going to pause here so this post isn't pages long and keep going in a subsequent post...
A stupid example of my negativity during that time is, if H made eggs, instead of saying, "Oh, thanks for making eggs!" first, I would say, "Oh, do these have a lot of oil in them?" first, and then say, "oh, thanks for making eggs, though, I appreciate it!" Not great.
To be a little balanced, I could (and did) try to explain to him in a million different ways, things like, "I prefer eggs without oil," but he usually would not seem to hear or respond to it. He would be loving in his way, but not really in ways I asked for. A stupid example of that was early in our marriage, if he woke up first, he would start playing with my face "because you're cute." I thought it was sweet and funny, but I also asked him in a kind and silly way if he could let me sleep instead. He kept playing with my face. So it goes.
I'm thrilled that I have been able to get my life back so thoroughly after the hard times last year, but also, I'm really questioning whether this relationship - which I and so many others thought was such a good match - is worth continuing to work so hard on. I have wonderful friends who are supporting me in my DB'ing, to the point that they're studying up on it so they can support me better! Six weeks before BD, he told a bunch of my friends at the celebration of my milestone that we were going to start trying to conceive kiddo #2. Remember how I mentioned I'm in my early 40s? We were already pushing it a little bit but both really wanted a second one, and I was totally healthy with the first. There is pretty much no chance I will have that option in my life now. That is an incredibly hard pill to swallow no matter how the limitation comes - infertility or any other. This for is no different, but the lies and betrayal on top of having that chance taken away from me...well, he - and the marriage - would have to be pretty amazing to be worth waiting for. I'm just not sure either one is.
Many thanks again.
