Hi NYGal, I am sorry you are going through this. I remember it being the worst time of my life. It also ended up being the time I have grown the most in my life.
Focus on that, the growth... so that if X returns you are the best you possible.. and if she doesn't you are the best you possible.
I put quotes up everywhere around my house to give my strength.. my favorite...
“Nietzsche was the one who did the job for me. At a certain moment in his life,the idea came to him of what he called 'the love of your fate.' Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, 'This is what I need.' It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment--not discouragement--you will find the strength is there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow.
Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures followed by wreckage were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see that this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.” ― Joseph Campbell, A Joseph Campbell Companion: Reflections on the Art of Living
Stay strong NYGal
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
NYGal, first let me just say that I hate that you had a bad night and I hope you're feeling better. You are a kind and beautiful person that deserves so much better than you're getting. Life isn't always fair. Sad, but true. Life is not fair! So, take a deep breath and just think about this.....
Originally Posted By: NYGal
My friend told me that W is....
You were having a good day and we're happy to go out with some friends. Then, this happened. I KNOW that you want to know what is going on with her, I want to know every move my H makes as well, but this hurt you deeply. Was it worth it? Did you gain something from it? When you found out the latest about your SO and the OW, did it cause them pain? The answer is not. They were still happy while you were hurting. The only person that hurt was YOU. Please don't torture yourself like that. You are plunging the knife into your own heart and twisting it. They didn't feel a thing, only you. Be kind to yourself and save yourself the torment. Finding out that information did not help you at all and only caused you more pain. When you go out with friends again, tell them that SO and OW are off limits. Tell them that you are working on yourself and don't have any interest in knowing how they are doing. If they forget and try to tell you, stop them. It will be very hard, but you can do it. I know you can.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I'm bitter and mean and crazed right now. I am fighting the urge to call W and tell her she's a fool and has made the biggest mistake of her life. I would have rammed her car if I saw them. I am not doing well at all right now. It's not pretty. I am sick and I am tired and I am struggling to stay positive.
As I said above, was that information really worth all of this? Did it change anything (other than your mood) for you to find this out? Please be kind to your heart and don't torment yourself like this. It's normal to cycle through emotions while you are going through this. Just remember that it WILL pass and you will move on to the next emotion. You're also forgetting that the OW is not about you. She is the downgraded version of you that your SO is using to to feel better about herself. If she were thinking clearly, would she really choose a woman that just uses and throws people away like the OW does? Would she choose a woman that was straight over you-her partner of 10 years? The answer is no. She is not thinking clearly and this is not about you. You are better than this and if she doesn't realize it, then when you're done working on yourself, you will find a wonderful woman that thinks you hung the moon and you will be ridiculously happy together. . In the meantime, don't sabotage your hard work up to this point by calling or texting your SO. Work on DBing the best you can and trust the process.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
Can't I please just text her and say scr#w you?
You can, but it would be a very bad idea. And, after you do, you will feel like crap and be so sorry that you did it...but will be unable to take it back. Do ANYTHING other than contacting SO or OW. ANYTHING! Go for a walk, meditate, journal, cry in the shower, read a book, watch TV, call a friend, count stars....anything.
I hope you're feeling better NYGal. I'm praying for you.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I'm bitter and mean and crazed right now. I am fighting the urge to call W and tell her she's a fool and has made the biggest mistake of her life. I would have rammed her car if I saw them. I am not doing well at all right now. It's not pretty. I am sick and I am tired and I am struggling to stay positive.
o what is your plan to try to address these kinds of things? You dont want to live the rest of your life in this state, Im sure.
For me, it was dragging myself out of bed over and over again to friend's, to new activities, to do stuff with my kids, and so on.
Your tears arent limited; happiness doesnt just HAPPEN.
Im glad you went out, Im glad you made it through some of the movie. What are you going to do today?
And also, think about this...You did the very best thing that you could do for your partnership today.
Originally Posted By: NYGal
I want to throw things. I did my one hour of exercise today, but I've been indulging in a crying jag that won't quit. Right now I think I hate her. Then I miss her. Then I hate myself. Then I just want to disappear. But I won't. I'll keep fighting. For myself and for my life. A new life. But it's just so hard. So very very hard.
It is. But, every day it can get a little easier. Set your goals small and take pride in accomplishing them. Set very mini goals if you need to: - smile one genuine smile - take a shower without crying - work out for an hour - go 1 full minute without thinking about W once and so on.
Start small and take pride in your accomplishments.
In times of intense emotions, it is so important to remember our principles and ideals and goals. W is acting on her feelings right now, forgetting her principles and ideals. You should not make the same mistake. It's good to feel your emotions, cry and grieve and be angry, but the moment you act on them, like send text messages or make big decisions about the future, you are no different than W in her pursuit of a feeling.
It's like they say about tattoos... a lasting memory of a transient feeling.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Just got a call (didn't answer) and text from W. She wants me to call her when I get a minute. I'm quaking in my boots. Afraid of more bad news, or an ultimatum. I'm going to wait a while and re-read the validation sheet. Oh god...
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I texted back, will call you later. Then she texted something about the joint credit card. Then she said, "Don't know if it was u who left the yellow daisies and the coffee made but it sure was a nice welcome home. Thank you." To which I replied 2 1/2 hours later. "you're welcome." So that's that. Probably means nothing, but it makes me feel good. the daisies were something they handed out at my divorce seminar, and I just left them on the kitchen table. No phone call back to her, and I'll just send a pdf of the cc bill. It all is probably nothing, but it was nice to get the thank you. And it felt like good DBing. I don't know, but I feel content tonight. Also had dinner with friends and that felt good. I miss her dearly, but tonight I am OK.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Yesterday when I was in OW's building on campus, I admit I did a loop of the halls looking for her office. All the offices had names but I couldn't find hers. I knew I was on the right floor. So I asked at the front desk. The nice woman said, last door on the right. Walking down there, I noticed hers is the only one without the name on the door. Curious. I wonder if she's afraid of me knowing where her office is. I did see her in the conference room next-door, luckily her back was to the door. And I heard her whining voice. Ugghhh. Isn't W sick of that yet?
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
. In the meantime, don't sabotage your hard work up to this point by calling or texting your SO. Work on DBing the best you can and trust the process.