"She would rather die then stay married to me. She doesn’t love me, how can she work on it? Are you asking us how she can work on it, or is she saying it?" I was quoting her talking to him.
Last night she was pleasant, even initiated some small talk. I was nice in return but not overly and didn't try to hang on to conversation. Also she didn't bring up any of the D stuff she had asked to talk about a few days ago.
After the kids were in bed I "went out" and hit the gym. I'm rereading the detaching thread, working on GAL, and 180's.
Any recommendations on "be mysterious"?
Thanks for all your support, this forum has been a life saver!
"She would rather die then stay married to me. She doesn’t love me, how can she work on it? Are you asking us how she can work on it, or is she saying it?" I was quoting her talking to him.
Ok....gottcha.
Quote:
Any recommendations on "be mysterious"?
Sure, but the mysterious part comes by you not telling her details. In fact, never lie to her. Whenever you leave to GAL, never tell her what, where, and with whom. As long as you can be reached for emergencies, that's all that matters. All you really need to tell her is that you are going out and don't when you'll be home.
Most men are in such a habit of telling the W every little detail she wants to know, that he fails to realize that once she steps out of the M he no longer has to fill in the details of his activities to her satisfaction.
Go to the library to do your DB posting, or to read your latest book. W: Where are you going? H: To the library? W: But you never go to the library! H: (no response) W: When will you be home? H: Not sure.
Wait until all the kids are in bed and then say you are going out. W: Where are you going? H: Out W: But where? H: Don't know. W: Well, when will you be back home? H: Not sure.
After W goes to bed, get up and leave, drive around and find somewhere that sells individually wrapped ice cream cones/bars. Do not take any back home. W: Where are you going? H: Out W: But where? H: To get an ice cream cone. W: At this time of night? H: (no response) W: Will you be back soon? H: Don't know. W: Well, bring me (or the kids ) back some ice cream, too. (manipulation) H: Don't wait up. W: I thought you were coming back soon!? H: (no response) (H really does go get an ice cream cone, or maybe he changes his mind after he leaves, but he forgets to bring her anything, or perhaps b/c it would have melted by the time he got back to the house).
Have something delivered to your house from the florist or a gift shop addressed only to you, with a card signed "yours truly". W: Something was delivered to the house today.....for you. H: Oh really? What? W: (Pretending she doesn't know.....if it is in a package). H: Well how about that! W: Who is it from? (Pretending she hasn't looked at the card already). H: The card says, "yours truly". (Never looking at her, you give a little grin). W: And who is "yours truly"? H: Hummm? I guess they wanted to be anonymous. W: So, Miss anonymous had it delivered to your house? H: No, "yours truly" had it delivered. (laughs and walks away).
Are you getting the idea? Now, grant you, some men are not comfortable with something like the last example and they will not carry things that far. They say it's being deceitful. So, whatever. Everyone can decide things for themselves.
There are a lot of innocent things to do. But the idea is to leave suddenly, as if in a hurry. Maybe even look at your watch on the way out the door. You can go to the mall, drive around, whatever. If she asks, tell you went to the mall, or whatever. Don't lie. The mysteriousness is in how you act about the whole thing, what time of day or night that you leave, and how vague your answers are, when she gets so nosy. If you aren't comfortable, then forget it. But she will notice, if you do it, and she will start to ask questions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I don't want to hijack your posts but just reading Sandi's post here and I have seen my W get most over my behaviour the last 2 months. The only place she knows I go to is the gym, but everything else I have kept the details away. For example, this Saturday I have plans to meet another family with my kids, I have only told her that I will be out with them and I don't know for how long. I am also then heading out on Saturday evening, she wanted to give me a lift to where I was going... I said no, and that I'll be fine. In both occasions, I am going out with people she doesn't know, yes she will get details from the kids but that is after she misses out on it.
I feel my W is trying to play mind games with me, it is nice to return the favour and I don't mean in a nasty way though. I have had smiles to myself when the questions come.
Thanks everyone for your support and comments. Last night I left after the kids were going to be and just said I was going out. She didn't ask anything and she never has in the last 3 months of me going out 4-5 times a week. I kept gym cloths in my car so I was always dressed nice when I left and returned. Never once did she ask me anything.
This morning started out great, had a work event that was awesome fun and I forgot all my worries for a few hours. Then a strange thing happened, it all just came rushing back after lunch and took me by surprise. I felt lower than I had felt in weeks. Then I got a call from a friend that I used to work with that also knows my WW. He knew we were having issues but not the extent of them. He wanted to let me know him and his wife saw my WW and another man last week having a "romantic date". He wasn't sure to tell me until he brought it up with another friend that I am much closer with and learned about the divorce filing. That was just a punch in the gut but nothing I didn't already know.
Now the relish on top of this S*#T Sandwich. She lets me know this afternoon that he is selling his house and moving out here as soon as that's done.
Well it's been over a week since the WW and I talked Divorce stuff. She has not brought up anything and every time I try and schedule going to trade in her car from something much cheaper (and in her name) she come up with a last minute excuse. Four times in the last week and within an our a the time to go, she has some excuse (kids, work, not feeling great, etc).
Other odd things, she keeps postponing talking to the kids teachers, talking to the kids AND I still have not been served?!?!?
My guess is she is not 100% sure about her plan A (Him actually moving here) and dragging her feet on letting go of a plan B (Our family).
I've been down sick for the last 2 days BUT I did GAL great this weekend. Out until around 2am Friday and Saturday night. She still never asked anything, but she did check to see if I was home around 4:30am Sunday morning.
She made two jokes about me being sick yesterday first that I should be careful whom I make out with and second, "don't get close to me, that won't be hard" (with a laugh).
Today I have to attend/speak at a family funeral and my kids will be attending the Life celebration afterwards. This morning the WW said she wished she could go. I didn't replay as the kids came running into the room. My family specifically asked that she not attend, it would be a distraction. It was an uncle that my WW knew but was not close with but she was very very close with my Grandpa (his brother).
I'm reading the detaching thread ever morning and working on my 180's and trying to kick the flu.
Yesterday the WW surprised me, my family, and her Mom. She dropped off some beautiful flowers and a heart warming hand written card at the house the family was gathering at for the Life celebration. It was surprisingly thoughtful. Side note, our families are incredibly close! Our parents are best friends and do everything together from Sunday Brunch to vacations. My parents actually stay with her parents when they come to town a few times a month.
Then she actually sent many text to her mom and opened up communications again. It has been months. I'm happy to see that for my MIL, she has been so worried.
Then last night she initiated a conversation, asked me how I was doing. I talked briefly and was pleasant. Telling her that I appreciated the flowers she delivered for the funeral and that I was doing well. Then asked her how her school/test went. She talked for about 15min, I listened and validated her. She mentioned that she has been very stressed, unable to focus, scatter brained, and confused the last few months. This was about forgetting kid stuff, failing test, not doing well in her very part time job, etc… I validated again then, I politely ended the conversation as I need to get to bed for an early morning (not hanging on to the conversation).
In the last few days/week I’ve seen tiny glimpses of the woman I married but I don’t believe anything will change. Most of the time she is still the cold, heartless, and angry, WW. She has treated me with respect ever since she returned to the house and has been doing my laundry, cleaning, etc...
As I re-read this post and my last few it is very clear that I am NOT detaching well. I am still reading into everything she does and I have to stop that. Any suggestions to help? I am still GAL’ing great! Going out tonight with the guys for Cigars and Scotch.
Thanks everyone for you support, I wish I could post more but it’s been hard to find the alone time and I was very sick for the last few days.
This morning my WW woke me up at 5:30am to tell me her friend (back in her home town) is not doing well and needs my WW's help. She is flying out today and will be back Sunday.
I told her flat out, I don't believe her story. I'm upset that our kids are very confused again with her leaving without notice and they don't believe her story either. I doubt she actually returns on Sunday.
I am working with my attorney today and going to change the locks. She needs to find a new place to stay, this coming and going is very hard on our children.
I feel like she is just cake eating now and dragging her feet on the divorce stuff because she is not 100% sure about her plan A (the OM).
I'm thinking the flowers from the day before were a diversion. Or a tactic to relieve her guilt.
You are right to not believe a thing she says. What a pathetic lie that was. I need to fly out at 530am because my friend isn't doing well???? Is that the best she can do???
I agree, my friend, time to take a stand for you and the kids.
) back some ice cream, too. (manipulation)