So I guess it’s time to stop lurking and write up my story.
Here is the TL;DR: We have been together for 9 years and married for 7 years, we have a S6 and D5. Me 36 Wife 39 Wife starts acting strange, she calls it her awakening! But I saw it as depressed, drinking more, disconnected (11/2014) Discover EA 6/2015 (Immediately start 180 and reading DR) Divorce first mentioned 11/2015 (day after Thanksgiving, rescinded 2 days later) 11/30/2015 I go from 180/sandi’s rules to a mix of after the last resort/NC Wife is still in home, sleeping on couch since September (my request), we have not talked relationship since 11/30/2015 (today is Jan 11th 2016)
Oh where to start? The beginning is probably best. We have been together for 9 years and married for 7 years, we have a S6 and D5. I started to notice a change in our relationship in November 2014, it’s hard to place a finger on it but I could feel something was a miss. I tried to talk to her about it a few times but she just said it was stress, money, or women stuff. Now we have always had a great relationship, we were very close, had a date night once a week and would do fun stuff together not just a movie and dinner. Our friends and family would often comment about how great we are together, how in love we are, how respectful we are to each other, etc… We never fought, some small arguments and disagreements but we always seamed to find a middle ground (I now know this is an issue). My work had me traveling about 50% of the time so she wanted to be a stay at home mom until the kids were in school full time. I agreed as we live a very comfortable lifestyle provided by my career and we didn’t want to give that up. I had also been looking to find a job with less-no travel that still paid the same and I recently found it! She is going to a School for a new career for herself and I have been nothing but supportive, she needs to have her own drive and purpose outside of the home. That schooling is over this week and now she will start looking for a part time job.
Ok I think I hit the main points, lets got to the point.
In June wife books a trip with the kids back to her home town (1500 miles away) to help her parents finally get their home on the market and packed up to move to our state/city. Oddly she wants to go for two weeks and never invited me, that on top of her rapid weight loss (with Dr prescribed medication), change hair color from blond to brunette, tanning, and precipitous drop in our sex life, all raised red flags. I had never questioned her honesty or loyalty to me and our family but this was all strange. We agreed that I would come out the 2nd week they were there. Can you see where this is going yet?
My first day in town and we go out to dinner with some “friends” of hers, we meet him (OM) and his wife for dinner. I could tell with in 10seconds something was wrong here. Over the course of the week we meet up with them a few times and the last time we meet at a bar around 9pm. He is drunk and by himself, within 10min he just walks out of the bar with my wife chasing behind him. This is when it all came clear! The next Morning, I asked her if she knew he was in love with her, she said maybe. I asked if she had feeling for him, she said yes. This was my discover day and the only day I cried, pled, begged and/or demanded she choose. Thankfully I found this forum that same day. It turns out she had ran into him at the store in August 2013 while we were in town visiting her family, he is an ex from high school. He is 18 years married and unemployed.
We fly home and she says it’s over and she will not talk with him again, she would like to go to counseling, etc… We go to counseling that she picked out, she saw the counselor 4 times before we went together, I saw her once before. In my 1on1 session she mentioned to me that my astrological sign is not a good match with my wife’s, WTH? Oh and she had no knowledge of the OM or the EA until I mentioned it. In the ONE joint session we had the counselor was coaching my wife through how to tell me she is not “In love with me” and at the end said we don’t need anymore counseling it was time to move on. This was in June, my wife still sees this counselor every week and texts with her at all hours.
Months go by, I am working on 180, GAL, reading (DB, DR), I also started IC and dropped 50Lbs (85Lbs total dropped in last 18 months).
Wife keeps talking to the OM, never wearing her rings, and losing weight. Then in September we go back to her home town for a family wedding. Within 10min of arriving at her parents she tells me she has to leave to get a Starbucks, I borrow her moms car and confront her with the OM in the parking lot. She tells me in a very cold voice sorry, then he comes over to apologize and ask if we can still be friends. I explain that none of us will be friends if she leaves me for him. That night I left to stay in a hotel and cool off. She sends me a few text telling me I am being selfish and my actions will ruin the weekend/wedding for everyone. I don’t reply. That next day is the wedding and I put on brave face for her family and the truth is I LOVE her family, things go well until we head home from the reception. The grandparents took the kids home early so it was just the wife and I in an Uber. The wife completely looses it, starts screaming and yelling for the drive to stop. He kicks us out about 3 blocks from her parents, I am still asking her what is wrong and she just keeps yelling that she doesn’t want to be with me or near me anymore, that she’s never loved me, etc… She keeps falling down and I am trying to help her get home before the cops come. Well someone worse came, her MOM, still in her bath robe. I LOVE her mom!!
She gets the wife into bed then comes down to talk to me, since I am the sober one. I spill the beans; I cannot keep the wife’s secrets any longer
Ok I am getting into the weeds now. I will try a shorten this up a bit.
We fly home the following day BUT the wife it returning to her home town the next weekend for her girlfriend’s bachelorette party. At this point I think it’s over, I see a lawyer to get my ducks in a row, tell her to sleep on the couch (not sharing my bed with her) and for the first time give my family a heads up. Wife and I don’t talk all week. She goes to back for the bachelorette party and returns, I honestly thought she might not come home. Several days after returning she tells me its really over with him and that she is sorry and wants to try again. I fall for the bait, even offer for her to sleep in our bed again!! I find a counselor and it starts out great but on week 4 she falls apart in the session, she feels invisible, we never had real love, it was all superficial, ILYBNILWY, etc… The counselor is very confused and asks what is going on, I ask if wife is talking to him again and it’s a Yes. She then tries again to get me to understand that we are a mistake and he is her true love, her soul mate, the only person in the world that truly knows her. Practicing the validation cheat sheet, and my Lost art of listening book for months now, I’m surprised she feels that way but I still validate her feelings. The counselor tried to get her to understand Affair Fog in a very nice supportive way but it fell on deaf ear. I lose my cool for 1 min and say, I’ll make the choice for you and I will move out. As we get into the car to drive home she says to me “I don’t want you to move out” and I reply with let me take the rest of the day to think.
Later that day I see my IC and she helps me find the words I needed. “I am not giving up on us and I am not moving out, I will continue to give you your space and time”. When I talk to the wife that night she goes ballistic, screaming at me and telling me I am trying to make her the bad guy, making her leave her children, making her look bad, that she wasn’t buying my “Zen bullshit” (me staying calm), she would never stop talking to him but she will never be with him, etc… She eventually calms down and continues talking, apologies for yelling and says it’s the best conversation we’ve ever had. WTH? Oh and this is only the 3rd time in 9 years I’ve seen her yell like this.
A week goes by, we go to my parents for thanksgiving and have a good time, my family has always loved her. Her parents are now in town full time and we had fun. The day after thanksgiving I am cleaning up the garage and find a receipt for a travel lodge in her home town from the weekend of the bachelorette party back in September. That evening I ask her what this was, she says its from the last night there and she didn’t want to stay at her moms (still upset and embarrassed from the week before). I tell her I’m sorry but I don’t believe you, the check in time was 12:45AM. She then blows up at me again, and tells me she wants a divorce! This is the first time divorce was mentioned through all of this. My reply was Ok and I walked away. We don’t talk for two days, then Monday morning she says she doesn’t want a divorce, I said OK. She said she doesn’t feel romantic at all with me and never will again, I said OK. She tells me that even if we divorce someday that we will always be family and best friends, I said Nope. I’ve let go, I have no expectations and I continue to GAL.
It’s now Jan 11th 2016 and we have not talked relationship since 11/30/2015, I’ve gone on ski trips with the kids (invited her but didn’t react when she canceled), doing thing with just the kids, GAL, family, and work. On that ski trip we didn’t text or talk for three days. In the last week she had been reaching out to me more, asked me to watch a movie with her (The power of the heart), even asked for a hug (first one I’ve said yes too since Thanksgiving and the first one she has asked for since mid December).
Then last night she asked me to cancel my part of a trip to Mexico for her girlfriend’s wedding in April, she would like to go alone and share a room with two other woman in the wedding party. I told her I would think about it, but I don’t think we should be paying $3k for her to go on vacation right now. I just don’t trust her; my first thought is the OM is going now. How should I handle this? I am also friends with these people and now I am uninvited because my wife it cheating?
So her I am now, 7 months into this and close to giving up and asking her to move out. When times get tough I think of my kids and how close we have been as a family, RV/camping 12+ times a year, both on School PTO, School Dads club, Cub Scouts, weekly game nights, family movie nights, etc…
I don’t see the woman I married anymore, she is moody, angry, cold, and not fun to be around.
Last thing, she has lost many friends over this, they don’t agree with her and she cuts them out. She only talks to her own family at events and even then it’s short. Her mom and brother call me weekly to ask how we are doing. I don’t talk details with them but the wife never talks to them at all.
How does someone who tells me “I love, care, and respect you” continue to do this? BTW: Now I only say thanks when she says that.
Thanks for reading my poorly written story, and most of all thank you all for sharing your stories with me. It has been immensely helpful to know I am not alone in this!
Last edited by Cristy; 01/13/1602:05 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books/authors
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Please tell me that the OM's wife knows what is going on too.
Your wife doesn't want a divorce because she knows she can't leave your state with the kids and go to OM and OM is an unemployed loser that isn't gonna move to your state so the status quo where she gets both is the only way this can continue.
Just say "no".
She's unemployed and he's unemployed.
No more trips anywhere.
You don't have to pay to support your wife's affair addiction and participate in the destruction of your family.
Personally I'd recommend shutting off her cell phone and making your home internet connection knowingly key logged (or a sniffer) so she can't use it to communicate privately anymore.
Your wife is trapped....and she'll resent that for awhile but once you bust up the affair and she actually goes "no contact" she'll appreciate you helping her end it. Your marriage can survive her anger - an never-ending affair it can't survive so don't be so afraid of making her upset.
Ending the affair is the only thing you can try to accomplish to make any progress in your situation. Considering how long this has been going on for it's probably your best shot to go super aggressive on this fairly quickly before you give a crap gives up.
I'd also love to see about suing that "counselor" for that crap - but in the meantime - stop paying for that too. Sounds more like a witch reading tarot cards trying to destroy your [guessing Christian] marriage than a counselor.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
Thanks for reading that wall of text! I agree and I'm trying my best to go "aggressive".
Last night she came to me and asked me to read a book "Conscious Uncoupling" and the tole me that the 3 days the kids and I were out of town was awesome and she wants to move out now. She confirmed that the OM is "dissolving his marriage" and MIGHT move here. I just said ok to everything and suggested she move out soon.
She then started on the "We will always be friends and family, even after a divorce" I was very clear again, that is not the true. We will never be friends again if this happens.
I remembered my L&L's Look and Listen, and validated what she said.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
We had a talk today that started about her cell phone. I let her know that I paid off her phone and she needs to transfer it out to her own service. I will no longer finance her affair. I've actually been building up the courage to do this for a month.
Next I explained that I am not paying for her trip to Mexico and that I no longer trust her and will take over paying the household bills. Also I will not pay for her apartment when she moves out.
She got very upset and told me I was taking away all her power. I validated her and said again that is not what I am doing, I don't trust your choices anymore and need to take care of the household.
Then she said, then I won't leave the house! I'll stay! That's fine I replied. She wants to know if I will be fair or if she should get a lawyer, I replied with "yes I will be fair and not kick you out but you are free to do as you like."
We ended with me explaining that she has made her choice and she no longer gets to have me in her life, my love, friendship, caring, support, and financials. I am removing myself from the equation, I'm no longer a choice for her. Was that too much?
I agree that financing her affair activities isn't a good idea and I am sure she is plenty fired up about it. You need to be careful in how you handle these interactions.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Wife starts acting strange, she calls it her awakening! But I saw it as depressed, drinking more, disconnected (11/2014) Discover EA 6/2015 (Immediately start 180 and reading DR) Divorce first mentioned 11/2015 (day after Thanksgiving, rescinded 2 days later) 11/30/2015 I go from 180/sandi’s rules to a mix of after the last resort/NC Wife is still in home, sleeping on couch since September (my request), we have not talked relationship since 11/30/2015 (today is Jan 11th 2016)
Sorry for your situation in the MR. Looking at what you wrote above, I don't really understand what you are doing and not doing.
Do you understand the nature of a wayward wife? If not, you may be interested in reading some threads I have on the subject. The first link is in Cadet's post to you.
Quote:
Then last night she asked me to cancel my part of a trip to Mexico for her girlfriend’s wedding in April, she would like to go alone and share a room with two other woman in the wedding party. I told her I would think about it, but I don’t think we should be paying $3k for her to go on vacation right now. I just don’t trust her; my first thought is the OM is going now. How should I handle this? I am also friends with these people and now I am uninvited because my wife it cheating?
There is nothing you can believe or trust about a wayward wife. If you pay $3K to go on a vacation in Mexico and then cancel your part......you'll probably being paying OM's way. You can't really trust her women friends, either. Most female friends will cover for each other......some do when they don't even approve of what's going on.
With a wife in a full blown affair, you can't use a soft approach and just wait around to see what she decides. So far, this works great for her. She gets to have all the advantages of being supported by you, and gets to have an affair, too! The best of both worlds. Why do you think she'll just decide to stop some day? She may break it off with this OM, but she's addicted to the thrill of an affair.....so she will likely go find OM#2, if the dynamics do not change, and fast.
Is she sharing your bed. Are you having sex with her? What is a typical day's interaction with her?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
How does someone who tells me “I love, care, and respect you” continue to do this? BTW: Now I only say thanks when she says that.
She is not being truthful. She does not respect you. When a woman doesn't respect her H as a man, she can't desire him for her H. She may have sex with him, but she doesn't desire him. A woman has to respect her H in order to feel the loving emotions. She "cares" for you as if you were her brother. You remember that old line, don't you? "I love you as a brother, but not as a boyfriend"? Well, same thing here.
Quote:
She then started on the "We will always be friends and family, even after a divorce" I was very clear again, that is not the true. We will never be friends again if this happens.
Exactly! She needs to realize there will be no buddy-buddy system.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
