Fo, thanks for stopping by. As to dating, I was willing to give it a shot, but took it as a sign that it was too early when the lady backed out.
I'm honestly not looking forward to trying to find someone that meets my ideas of a partner, AND wants to be involved in the circus that is my life with 3 kids.
A week ago, I hadn't seen xw in several days and I was doing pretty good. Then, she starts showing signs that she cares and is noticing me, and I am all wrapped up in it again. Weather is crap, she has the boys, my mind is wandering.
So, today I put on a nice sweater, wore some smell good stuff and went to the ball game. I'm sure she noticed, because one of the dads commented on it. I'm normally a jeans and hoodie guy, so it's a 180 of sorts.
I think you nailed it, I started pulling back and she regained my attention. Have to go back and drop this rope again. Really don't like the feel of it!
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I am right there with you Dday, except this time I stopped caring, lol. I had a lot of "stops and starts" with detaching and dropping the rope, but this time I think I've really got it. I like that H is noticing me more, but honestly, I perceive it and file it under "interesting" but not under "woo hoo! he just talked to me!" like I would have a month ago.
I have come to the point where I realize that it is going to take a LOT more than a hug, a nice conversation, a day without spew, to reconcile this marriage, and although I notice those things and appreciate them, those are not enough to get me excited any more. I am realizing that the "little things" are nice but they are little things and not enough to rock my boat. As much as I realize that the crappy things aren't going to send me into a downward spiral either. I am aware of it all, taking it all in, probably watching too closely still. But not letting these things set up shop in my head.
It is hard. You will get there. I might get derailed, and you will have to talk me back to sense again. Its a journey, thank God for DB friends to help us along. In the meantime, I am sure you looked cute in your sweater! Hope your team won!
Fo, thanks for stopping by. As to dating, I was willing to give it a shot, but took it as a sign that it was too early when the lady backed out.
I'm honestly not looking forward to trying to find someone that meets my ideas of a partner, AND wants to be involved in the circus that is my life with 3 kids.
A week ago, I hadn't seen xw in several days and I was doing pretty good. Then, she starts showing signs that she cares and is noticing me, and I am all wrapped up in it again. Weather is crap, she has the boys, my mind is wandering.
So, today I put on a nice sweater, wore some smell good stuff and went to the ball game. I'm sure she noticed, because one of the dads commented on it. I'm normally a jeans and hoodie guy, so it's a 180 of sorts.
I think you nailed it, I started pulling back and she regained my attention. Have to go back and drop this rope again. Really don't like the feel of it!
Time dday, you got nothing but time. Love reading how you got dressed up and then went out. I'd make it a point of looking spectacular everywhere you go. I'm a jeans and t-shirt guy myself, even have some left over from high school that I used to wear! It was definitely time for an upgrade and even though I'm not dating, I now dress well for myself.
Now I think looking great when you go out should have nothing to do with your XW, and everything to do with how you present yourself to the world - as a man that takes care of himself and feels great about himself. That's attractive. That will carry into a lot more than just how your XW feels about you too.
Your sitch happened so fast, I have no idea how you've kept it together the way you have, truly something to be applauded.
I have a feeling your XW still has no idea what happened and as soon as she realizes you're going the way of strength she's going to turn her head. Don't let it sway you brother, you've got a strong path mapped out it sounds like.
Take your time dday. Look great, feel great, be in shape, eat well. Do all of the things that make you feel like you're at the top of your game. At some point your XW is going to realize she made a big mistake and then you'll be the one making the choices.
As for the dating, maybe it's not time yet. What's six more months of your life to get reacquainted with yourself. To listen to a lot of podcasts on male empowerment, leadership, and strength. Six months to get in shape for summer. To dial in your wardrobe, and your DB'ing. Six months of staying here on the boards and watching and learning. I still say this place is like a relationship PhD course.
Six months will fly by. Sure you'll have some lonely nights but you can fill them amazing speakers, authors, and close friends. It's a great investment in yourself so that when you do get out in the dating world (if some lucky lady hasn't noticed you while you're doing all of this and being a great dad), you'll be playing at an even higher level.
Stay strong dday.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hey, D. I know funds are tight, but I'll share a shopping tip with you. There are super-organized wives like me who go through closets once a year and clear out clothes that weren't being worn from my H's side of the closet. After getting his final okay, I'd either take them to a charity or consignment store.
Consignment stores are awesome! You can get some fabulous basics there for pennies. You just have to do a little hunting, but you can easily upgrade your wardrobe without busting the bank. Most women know about them, but men? Meh. Maybe.
You can buy clothes for your kids there, too. You know I'm full of dollar-stretching tips; with 5 kids and a stay-at-home mom on one salary, it was my job to do so. Our family was always well-dressed and stylish. I just had to spend a little more time hunting down the bargains to get it done.
I was really proud of my skills in that area, actually. I got more and more creative, and we lived a really good life. It's kind of fun passing on things I suddenly remember to such a deserving person.
Fo, I will shift my focus back to me and the kids. That seems to go a long way in dropping the rope.
PP, I will work on my appearance more. It does make you feel good, and it does get noticed! XW notices bandaids on my hand, and if I have a cough. I'm sure that she notices if I dress nice. I know others see it too. I'm sure that XW has no clue as to what she has really done. She doesn't do anything without her parents holding her hand now. So she is very dependent on them.
Anc, there is a store called Plato's closet here. It's more geared towards college age kids, but as long as you don't see my gray hairs, I can kinda pull that off. I will check them out soon. I haven't been in there since before BD. We were looking for jeans for XW, didn't really look for me.
Thank you all for taking the time to check on me! Today is my youngest boy's birthday. He's 5 now... goes by fast.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I read somewhere when your marriage ends that you should wait one month for each year that your married before starting a serious relationship. So by your signature info you should not get serious for about a year. I don't know if it is correct but less then a month is to short for a relationship. I do think a friendly date is good the head
Mu, another R, oh hell no! (I still would like my XW, not ready for someone else) A friendly fun date with someone, I was gonna try that. But, the girl deciding not to go, I believe that is a sign from my higher power that I shouldn't go yet.
I am going to give PP's suggestions a shot. Another six months of doing my own thing doesn't sound bad. And doing it for ME, well that sounds pretty good actually. Take more time and make myself better, happier, more complete. I can do that.
35 3 boys Not my circus, not my monkeys anymore....
I'm honestly not looking forward to trying to find someone that meets my ideas of a partner, AND wants to be involved in the circus that is my life with 3 kids.
Just want to throw this out there.
The girl I am seeing is adamant that my kids from the marriage are a "bonus" to dating me. Like that they add a special dynamic to our relationship because she gets to spend time with me, time with them, and time as "us" all together. I always pictured my situation as being one with a ton of difficulties - 50% parenting of two children and minimal babysitting opportunities. But honestly, I never found it difficult to find time. And you know whats actually? The women I have gone out with have, to a one, said that there is nothing they find more attractive than a man that is a good father to his children.
Also, I noticed that my 'needs' in a partner are a lot different than 15 years ago. I have learned much of what I want and DONT want out of a partner by going through this. I will not be back here again.
A single dad whose into his kids? Clearly adores them and puts them first? Catnip for grown single women!!!
D, I know this is down the road quite a bit...but you have boys, which honestly, makes it even easier. I raised both. The teenage girls would have destroyed some female who wasn't related to them if she hadn't taken exactly the right approach. OMG! The competition, the moodiness, the cycles. I don't miss my daughters' teen years at all (well, ok, there are parts I miss...LOL)
Your family is no circus. Can you imagine how special a girl would feel to be surrounded by all those males? You need have no worries about that.
