Had interesting topic regarding meeting the sexual needs of our spouses and overall differences between husbands and wives and expectations etc. going on last thread but exceeded the 100 posts. So will host any more thoughts on the subject
I am not writing from PC and always have trouble linking with my ipad
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
So I'll bump your thread one more time and tell a funny story about the weekend. I went to the science museum with my children, and they had an exhibit about seeing things from another person's point of view. There were three instructional experiments:
1) They had you and your kids sit on opposite sides of a model of a few volcanoes. From your viewpoint the small volcanoes were in front, from the child's the small were in the rear. They were then asked what picture best describes YOUR view, and there were four pictures. Younger children chose the picture of what they viewed from their seat.
2) Kid is shown a minute maid juice box and asked 'what's in the box'. He answers "juice". Then they flip the box around and show him the back was hollowed out and it was full of string. They ask 'what is actually in the box', and he says 'string!'. Then they asked "a moment ago when we asked what you thought was in the box, what did you say", and the kid says 'string' (because he knows now he can't conceptualize that he didn't know a minute ago). Finally they say 'sally is coming in and doesn't know what's in the box. what do you suppose she'll guess?' and the kid says "String!"
3) Two women, sarah and jenny. Two toy chests. Sarah takes a bear and puts it in toy chest A. She then goes on a walk. While Sarah is away, Jenny moves the bear to toy chest B. Finally Sarah returns. Where will Sarah look for the toy bear? Kids (including mine) answered toy chest B.
The point of 2/3 is that when the kids knew the 'correct' answer, they couldn't even conceptualize that other people might think or feel differently. The ability to comprehend the other person's point of view is a learned skill that takes hard work.
I thought this was fitting and relevant to a lot of this discussion. I think all humans struggle with this, but in particular us DBers. The more pain there is in the marriage the more wrong our spouses behave, and eventually we are overwhelmed with our own pain and staring at their bad behavior. This on top of a clearly natural selfish view from our species. How can we ever win?!?
My advice to myself and all is to stay humble.
I talked to a good friend tonight. He is the smartest person I've ever met, and I've rubbed some elbows. Point is I gave him a compliment. I told him that he was the smartest person I've met, and that he was brilliant at analysis and understanding things rationally...yet he was religious, and followed an external set of beliefs. I told him it was smart and explained that our thoughts can easily follow our feelings and can rationalize a bunch of crap. And that while he was a genius, it was a double edged sword because he could also convince himself of anything. So ultimately he was so smart, that he didn't trust his own brilliance, and long ago turned his life over to God, because his intellect is subjective, whereas it's been proven that people that follow a set of religious beliefs hold up well in the world.
Moral of the stories are simple. Follow your beliefs not your feelings/thoughts as we are flawed humans seeing things imperfectly from our own perspective. A good scientist doesn't make conclusions, that's why gravity is a theory. Just be curious, not furious, and stand back and watch your thoughts shift and evolve over time. Bottom line, stay humble and know that we are all wrong.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I got to say, though, sometimes beliefs/principles can conflict. For instance my complete lack of acceptance of cheating and lying vs. my marriage vows.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Thank you more for your story. It's true, you really do have the choice of making 1 of 2 opposing thoughts your reality. I do recognize that Having faith in something would make life easier. (On a personal note, I do not have faith) One of my issues early on in my situation was I could no longer trust my feelings. I had no idea if what i was feeling was "right" because the next day or hour I would feel opposite. This was really disturbing to me. Now I am recognizing that I cannot get worked up so much just because I am feeling a certain way and I certainky should never act on that feeling of the moment either. Not easy.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Painter, yes I think I understand. Many of our boundaries have been crossed by our spouses. We want the marriage but forgiving and staying with spouses that have betrayed us in some way conflicts with our belief system of what a marriage is supposed to be.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Thank you more for your story. It's true, you really do have the choice of making 1 of 2 opposing thoughts your reality. I do recognize that Having faith in something would make life easier. (On a personal note, I do not have faith) One of my issues early on in my situation was I could no longer trust my feelings. I had no idea if what i was feeling was "right" because the next day or hour I would feel opposite. This was really disturbing to me. Now I am recognizing that I cannot get worked up so much just because I am feeling a certain way and I certainky should never act on that feeling of the moment either. Not easy.
Faith, for me, is to believe and trust in the good forces we have in us, and that through the practicing of good, we can become a part of something that is greater than the sum of its parts (all of us).
This works well for the open-minded church I go to.
Just wanted to throw in there that faith can have many forms, and that I think most of us have some kind of faith but might not define it as such because it doesn't fit traditional descriptions.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I like what you say about trusting in good forces. Sometimes I do feel that way, and then other days I just feel like it's a world of survival of the fittest and none of it really matters anyway.
So For me, faith is kind of like my feelings. Just dependent upon my mood.
I guess that doesn't really fit the definition of faith though
Last edited by JulieH; 01/07/1606:16 AM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I think that you step into faith the moment you decide to become part of the force for good and contribute in a systematic manner to help make it greater. I think that's a common denominator for all types of faith, maybe? Regardless which form it takes and which building you go to or not. And that fellowship is an important part of it.
But I have also had days where I drove to church thinking that 'who am I fooling, this stuff is just something we make up in our brains to feel better'. That only lasts until I meet the other, very real people at church, and realize again that they are what it's all about.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
I came here to talk about sex, what's with all this faith talk? LOL.
For me faith is about giving up the need to control the outcome, having "faith" that as long as I do my part and keep my eyes focused on the "big picture" which for me is God, for others maybe "the force for good" or whatever you want to call a higher power, that I can give up the need to be in control.
Sex for me is a constant source of frustration because the common perception seems to be that men want it all the time and women don't, and for me my experience has not reflected that. I feel I am in a state of constant shame, rejection, and sadness over this. I feel like there must be something inherently wrong with me because of this. I know that there isn't, but its a feeling that is hard to shake.
