Oh! I can't believe that I have forgotten to tell you that during my spare time I'm a fortune teller, and I'll charge you at a very competitive price :-)!
I'm so glad you stuck by your choice. It's hard as it's not something we are used to do, and I guess all this was due to fear of making H unhappy by expressing our feelings!
I know Rain, what I have to tell myself now is if he was dead, would I still be trying to bring him back or move forward! I have chosen the 2nd option!
Just wanted to say hi and address something else from your last thread. Let me see if this cuts/pastes right. (You'd think I'd know how to do this perfectly by now...)
I've read & learned from experience, that grief gives us, temporarily, the "merciful numbness of shock."
Later, as we begin to grasp the loss, we enter the phase of "mourning", and eventually we learn to live with & absorb the loss.
Not "all better", but able to function well enough.
With the loss of a R that had become toxic, as I believe yours has (sorry) there's something better than what we "gain" when we lose a loved one thru death, for example. (I mean, losing a loved one forever and while you loved them, isn't something you "gain" from. )
But the end of a R that was hard on you but which produced 3 children whom you love, isn't a grief from which you cannot recover.
Knowing you can someday, IF you wish, pursue a different type of R, one that enriches your life and soothes/comfort/encourages you, is such a worthy goal.
IMO, all "successful" Dbers have not saved their marriages; but they have all saved themselves. Sometimes that means their marriages work out; sometimes it doesn't.
But to me, "DB Success" here is about ultimately being more content with our lives, more loving and lovable people,
who value commitment and boundaries, and who know the difference.
I think you are turning a corner.
If this R is to ultimately end up in a healthy marriage, it means the Toxic R first must end.
I've read that about 15% of people end up remarrying their exes, usually with a relatively high success rate the 2nd time around. I've had 2 family members do it.
But they split up first, and not for a few months. One was divorced for 5 years, and the other for 3. They each, individually grew and changed.
IMO, If they'd stayed together in their first M's as they were, they'd never have reconciled or grown as people. They'd have either stayed miserable and passed that on as a marriage model, or they'd have divorced with finality and anger.
But 2nd, better marriages can happen.
I'm so sorry for the pain you are in. It's very very hard. But it is not eternal or fatal.
Remember this^^.
And ask yourself these questions:
1) "If my life were a novel, who has the author been thus far/recently?
2) Shouldn't it be me?
Alright then, so, 3) how do I want the next chapter(s) to go?"
We must all be the authors of our lives. It's so easy to let someone else write it for us, but that's not going to give us what we want or need.
((( hugs )))
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I feel I may have seemed dismissive of your previous post. I'm sorry if I was. Just the timing with his latest teenage rebellion and my shock.
You said you see our R has become toxic. That makes me so sad.
You asked me before why we never married. It was a mutal decision at first, we were engaged we were "happy" and there was no time frame to keep. Then he didn't want to. (red flag anyone? Geez) then after I initially found out about the affair he desperately wanted to and I refused. Yet I stayed. Then suddenly he wanted to M AP and would tell me....and this is why I never married you. Blah blah.
I do thank you for your kind words. Because this pain is excruciating.
And you're so right. I've let him write my life story and all that has happened is hurt and lies and betrayals. But I do have my beautiful children. And we have to move forward. Now mommy just has to do what she needs to do to detach and build our new life.
Easier said than done in this precise moment. But there's always tomorrow right?
I feel so alone. I will never understand this. Never in a million years. We were meant to raise our family together. To spoil our grand children. To grow old together. He's sitting pretty and I'm left to pick up the pieces. Yeah that seems fair.
That's often how I feel Rain. W is sitting pretty in her new little world, happy with the child sharing arrangement we have, and just content with how things are. I saw some cracks over these last couple of weeks after confronting OM, and her learning that he didn't quite share the same feelings for her as she thought. But that seems to have disappeared. She's got D2 right now, and seems like she couldn't be happier.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
