very new to the D club

[Nate W]

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2629405&page=1

Hello everyone,
I just thought I would check in here and read some posts. My D has been final for less then a month so I'm just now starting to put it all back together. Do any vets have any advice they can give on what to expect in the first couple of months? Thanks!

[Maybell]

Hey, Nate, how long were you separated? How new is the situation for you? Give us some more details to work with and we can be more helpful to you.

Welcome. There are some great people here.

[Nate W]

Hi Maybell,
we separated at the beginning of August 2015 so about 4 months separated before the D was final at the beginning of December 2015. Thanks!

[kml]

Welcome Nate.
I'm sorry your divorce moved so quickly. Skimming over your story, a few thoughts come to mind:

1) You need to keep the focus right now on your own growth and development. You've made a great start and whether you and your ex ever reconcile or not, your life will be better for it.

2) Face your problems with addiction straight on (it's all part of the same, the drinking, the EAs, the porn). Sounds like you have had a good counselor, a 12 step program is probably also in order.

3) Own it. You messed up your marriage. Your ex might not choose that rollercoaster again, but even so, you'll grow in her eyes if you honestly own your faults in the marriage.

4) Don't make any big changes. You're not ready to date. Your focus right now should be totally on personal growth.

[Nate W]

Hello KML, yes it was a quick one.

I for sure needed to change whether or not it ever works out. I'm super focused and trying to stay positive.

my counselor is pretty awesome and I faced everything head on no matter how bad it hurt. At one point he even questioned if I really wanted to go as hard as I did and I told him all of this has hurt me for so long that I'm ready to face more pain to help fix it. I haven't tried a 12 step yet but have been studying my recovery devotional bible quite often. I have been sober for 5 months now.

I have definitely owned up to it all and totally came clean to her about it all as well. I think she needed to hear it and respected that and is proud of me for coming as far as have so far.

I definitely understand the no big changes. I went on one date then decided I was for sure not ready and just started focusing on me again

thanks for your reply KML!!!

[Nate W]

Hello All,
I hope everyone is doing well! I'm doing pretty good I have just been working on totally detaching and continuing to work on me...so far so good! Take Care y'all.

[kml]

Good for you!

[Nate W]

Hello All, The D is just a little over 2 months in and everything is going pretty good. I still have those moments of missing her terribly but it is getting better. Take care everyone!

[Dawn70]

Nate,

I know exactly how you feel. I had those moments of missing XH terribly at first as well. I have read up on your sitch and, like mine, yours moved very quickly and it is hard to come to terms with it all so quickly. My timeline is about a year ahead of yours and I can tell you that the first few months after the D was final were the worst for me. I was so depressed that I sought counseling. It was the best thing I could've done.

It took me another few months to get past the anger I felt for XH because I just think he's a lying sack of crap, quite frankly. But, now, a little over year out from the D being final, I'm feeling back to my old self and ready to tackle the world and maybe even share some time with a nice, single gentleman again.

Trust me when I say it does get better. I am living proof. If I could offer one piece of advice that seems obvious, take care of yourself. I noticed that you had no kids which may be a blessing in a way. It will allow you to focus on you and not have to deal with your XW as much. Focus on you and doing what you want and like.

Good luck!

[Nate W]

Dawn,

Thank you for your kind words! I feel myself getting a little better day by day. I am getting to the point where I am kind of digging some of the aspects of being single again. Although it does get lonesome at times I don't have to answer to or worry about anyone's feelings right now but mine.

I definitely still have times of anger about the whole sitch right now but for the most part I'm over it. Thoughts are now moving towards she doesn't deserve me after all this work I've put in. That is definitely the old me coming back.

Thanks again for your reply and advice. Good luck to you on everything too!

Take Care