Start of a new thread. I have no new news. H is out of town. I am still in Limbotown, with hopes of being able to move out soon.
He continues to swing me around the melweb merry-go-round on a daily basis. I can string one or two really great days together, then he hits a switch (which is invisible to the naked eye, btw) and he's back to being unsure.
I know I have to up my GAL activities, so thats where I start 2016. Good Lord willing I will get the job I interviewed for very soon, that will help tremendously.
Happy New Year
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
He continues to swing me around the melweb merry-go-round on a daily basis.
I have been swung/spun around like that before myself. But I'm here to tell you, she only spun me because I allowed it.
You have a choice. Choose to stay away from the merry-go-round.
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I know I have to up my GAL activities, so thats where I start 2016. Good Lord willing I will get the job I interviewed for very soon, that will help tremendously.
I hope so because that is a great confidence booster. But if you don't get it, keep banging away until you get one. I spent a couple years trying to not only get a new job but to completely change careers. It was a tough road but when I finally got there, it did a lot to counter all of the crazy I was getting from the W.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think H and I might be piecing. I am hesitant/reluctant/scared as hell to curse it, and it may be waayyyy to soon to declare that as fact. Certainly we have a long road in front of us. And yet I still feel.......??????
Upon his return from New Years Day Party, (And I question the validity of this), I asked no questions, showed no concern or care whatsoever for whatever the heck he was doing up there. Day went on, and kept talking of future dates, future plans etc--I simply listened as I have heard this before only to have him turn around and say he is still more than 50% leaving.
I should preface this by saying, that 1)I figured that he is not the type of person to just come out and say he has changed his mind, had a change of heart, and that he would like to stay and work on this M. That he would just not go, or just put his ring back on and 2) I needed him to say the words, and that I was not going to ask.
So after 2 days of some talk of future plans, inter-mixed with some R talk, and a church service on forgiveness. I caved!! Gosh darn it!! He had just thanked me for fighting for us, said we still had a lot of work to do etc. And I asked! I asked him "SO, you are not leaving?" And said "No, and you do not have to live in fear."
SO why do I still feel.....???? I don't even know what it is. Well, I do feel like he is hiding something, or someone. He has admitted that he has these two new "friends that are girls" and didn't want me to get the wrong idea. Welll---that ship sailed buddy.
Any thoughts? Anyone else get this far and still feel feelings that you not sure what to do with?
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Thanks tl2. No word on the job yet, but I do know that before the Christmas break they were checking on my references and doing the background check. So hopefully very soon. If not, I will keep looking.
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
Not going to try to "name" these feelings, as I just simply cannot! Just trying to work through them as best I can at the moment.
H has asked me several times tho "Why are looking at me like that?" Not exactly sure how I am looking at him, and I don't mean to. He said its kind of a blank stare. And in those moments, I truly am not sure what I am thinking or feeling. Its not really negative thoughts--mostly 'is what I want to say going to help me with my goal?" The answer is usually "no", so I STFU.
Maybe its more of a 'curiosity killed the cat" thing:
1)"Why haven't you put your ring back on?"--and this never bothered me before because we are just as married with or without that thing on.
2)"When did you decide you were staying?" --because Friday before you left for your soiree you were still undecided. A short 2 days later, your're all in.
There are other things that bother me, and I am not sure why.
Don't read me wrong, I am very happy we are in a place where we BOTH want to work on this marriage, and that he his finally on the right side of the fence. Its just these dang emotions!!
TxHubby--you out there? How did you work through the emotions/feelings of whatever the heck these are after she decided to work on M with you?
Anyone else?
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
I caved!! Gosh darn it!! He had just thanked me for fighting for us, said we still had a lot of work to do etc. And I asked! I asked him "SO, you are not leaving?" And said "No, and you do not have to live in fear."
This is actually a great step forward. You should be thrilled by it. Now you let him know, ok buddy, we're in this together, committed 100%. I love you. You love me. Everything else is just noise. Noise that we can quiet if we work together.
Go to counseling. Spend time together. Focus on each other's positives. Acknowledge the negatives (we all have them) but don't dwell on them.
Rejoice, you're actually in a pretty good place right now. Don't pick at it.
Thanks TxHubby (again). Your words of wisdom seem to be spot on.
I have realized what this "feeling" is. Insecurity. Laced with a bit a neediness, wrapped in sheet of jealousy. None of which I have ever been before. Last night he was going to come lay in bed with me and watch tv. He left to go get something..15 mins later he was not back. I got up to see what he was doing and he was laying in his own bed on his phone. I just walked back out. Another 15 mins later... I go look... still on his phone. When he finally comes in, he says nothing--no apology, no "that was just so and so." Just nothing.
We really are in a really good place right now, and I am thrilled by it. I seriously thought it was go to take longer than 8 weeks, if it happened at all. We are truly focusing on the positives and really wooing one another again. We know went wrong wrong and how to fix it.
I get it...its just noise. These new found friends of his are banging so loud tho. Especially the two new women, that he just met 2 months ago; 2 days before the BD; that he kept secret so "I wouldn't get the wrong idea"; that he has traveled twice to see, 3 hours away, but swears they are just friends and says they helped him through this troubled time and had the nerve to say they saved his M (pretty sure that was me); and one of whom he says is also having M trouble. ----This is what I am trying not to dwell on....ugh!!!
And if I am not careful I could pick at til the scab comes off, and it starts to bleed again
Me 47 H 49 S18 S15 M 21 BD #1 11/09/15 ILYBNILY I believe we are Piecing 1/2/16 Suspect EA/PA? 2/28/16 BD #2 "He tried, but needs passion." 2/28/16 Confirm PA 3/11/16, he's leaving in June H leaves 5/7/16
You can't underestimate the noise of life. It can be absolutely deafening if left untreated. You treat the "noise" together. You talk about it and talk about and talk about it some more. There will be disagreements. You have to commit to each other to keep the disagreements civil. That sometimes you might agree to disagree. After the disagreement is resolved there is no resentment and nobody goes to bed mad. Marriage can be hard. Even if you truly love each other. We're all individual human beings. Part of being in a marriage means we've agreed to give up quite a bit of our individuality to be a couple. People incapable of giving up any part of their individuality to be part of an equal partnership usually end up alone.
As far as these things go I really think you're ahead of the curve here. I understand the concern over the phone. My wife hasn't cheated on me in 3+ years but just a few weeks ago I walked up on her and she turned her iPad to shield it from me. My heart literally stopped for a second or two. I triggered hard. It turns out she was on Amazon looking at Christmas presents for me and didn't want me to see. I teared up and was noticeably shaken. When she realized why she told me what she was doing and said here, you can look. I said no, it's ok , this is just PTSD. She was shaken up too. She is realizing just how traumatic her infidelity was. You can't dwell on these triggers though. That can take you back to a dark place. I'm hopeful that if I don't let them get to me that they'll fade over the years. I've read that they will.
The way I live today is I no longer sweat any of the small stuff and if life is good...I don't pick at it.
Could she betray me again in the future? Sure. Anyone can betray anyone else. That's life. Can I worry about that? No, if I do it could ruin my marriage.
I forgot to add that part of you two coming back together as a team and building a new, stronger relationship is boundaries. Opposite sex friends are a touchy situation. Some people think nothing of it. Others don't like it. You have to work out that boundary yourselves. Find your agreed upon level. Maybe say you'd like to accompany him sometime. His friends are your friends. If it bothers you then you have to tell him it bothers you. Talk about it calmly and validate his opinion on the subject but ask that he validates yours as well. Ironically in my own relationship my wife is very anti-opposite sex friends. She has none and would get angry if I did. She doesn't trust OSF. Maybe that's because of what she has done so she projects that level of distrust onto all OSF. I don't know but I know marriage is compromise so if she feels strongly about no OSF's then I respect it and have none.
