Oops, boy I really am confused. Didn't even put anything in here to post. Let me try again. I am very new here and have read the first chapter of SSM, thought it was very good. I intend to get the book and read it entirely. I can identify with the feelings of being unloved. My marriage has not been a real marriage in about 8 years. I am no longer even in love with my husband. I care what happens to him but if he were to come to me tomorrow and say he wanted a divorce, I would not care. In fact, I wish he would. I hate going home most of the time and look for things to do out of the house to keep me away. The reason I am there is I cannot afford to support myself with the 2 dogs I would be taking with me. We have slept in separate beds for about 5 years now. I was ready to leave about 3 years ago when H suffered a heart attack, then another, then heart bypass surgery. I could not live with myself if I left him when he needed someone the most. So I stayed. He had problems with the surgery which kept him off work a year and we almost lost everything. So no the finances are such that if we were to divorce now, I could not support myself with my dogs. Sex? oh boy, what is that? We have not even hugged or touched in over 2 years. We have not had sex for about 5 years. I believe alot of his problems started when he was much younger but he refuses to get help of any kind. Is there a book or advice for the person who doesn't want to save the marriage but wants out? Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you
I am FAR from qualified to offer ANY advice... but that never stops me. I think others will come in with the "real" advice, but I'd like to address one small point.
"The reason I am there is I cannot afford to support myself with the 2 dogs I would be taking with me."
To this I would say... bah.
I won't even get to the point that you should be quire willing to throw the dogs overboard to save yourself, if this was not in fact a "smoke screen" to distract from the main issue.
I just want to say that you should NOT make a relationship decision based on finances. It's not "This is a bad marriage because I can afford to get out" or "This is a good marriage because I can't afford to get out". Make your decisions in a vacuum free of financial consideration.
Once you have made your decision... take whatever action necessary to make it financially viable.
I expect actual helpful advice will be posted shortly.
Will thanks for the input, thats what I asked for. What you do not understand is I have put alot of time and money into these dogs, they are show dogs and not only that, but they have been my salvation the last 10 years. I will not throw them out. Would not even think of it. As far as being a financial decision, yes it is. When my husband did not work for over a year we almost lost everything. I could have taken the easy way out and declared bankruptcy, but I didn't. Its been a very long, hard road back but I can now pay the bills on time. Its taken 3 years and all our savings and me working 2 jobs for almost 7 months, but paying the bills is all, there is nothing left over for anything. Might be easy for someone else to say just do it, but sometimes its not that simple. I do however appreciate your input.
Obviously, I know nothing about your situation, and it IS easy for me to say things. But I'm motivated by wanting to help.
I just... think it sad to see you, ten years from now saying:
"Yes, these have been ten miserable years of marriage, ten years when I could have been happy alone or with a mate, but that would have meant declaring bankruptcy or losing my dogs, one of whom died last year and one the year before. So, yes, I'm out the ten best years of my life, but the dogs had a good nine years and my creditors love me."
I don't advocate abandoning pets. I don't advocate cheating creditors. But I don't think it's right to make whatever marital decision is in the best interest of the pets and the creditors.
And I'm not saying "just do it"... I'm saying... seems that other considerations should rule... your marriage, your happiness (hell, even HIS happiness! LOL).
Thanks again for the input. I did not think you meant anything nasty by your comments. Was just trying to explain a little about why I made the decisions I did. I feel sometimes we have to make decisions that are not exactly what we want or feel.
