In house S (6)

[vise82]

Hey,

Starting a new thread. I hope things progress better for me, if not I am going to have to start carving out a new path.

Merry Christmas everyone. I am going to be taking some time off from the site.

[Flight]

Vise, I will have to echo what Sandi said when you mentioned my situation and me drawing the line. I will NOT live in an open marriage/separation/divorce. Some people can sit back and give her space to openly date hoping she will "come to her senses", I won't. I don't think that is a good relationship model for my D. And I am prepared to go through with it, it isn't a threat to see what will happen.

W went looking at houses and apartments when she realized I was serious. I also think she did that at least partly to see what my reaction would be. It is one of the few things she has done openly lately. So I scheduled an appointment with a mediator and we had the first meeting. Now she is back to trying to convince me that her idea is still a good one and it is my fault if I lose the house, she is willing to live here if she has total freedom. Let her see what it is like losing half of everything, having to see D only ever other week, and having to move. If that is what she wants, she can have it.

[Fogg]

Vise, I can see where you would take some comfort knowing the neighbor is gay but the fact still is she wants another man. She could easily jump onto a new OM who gives her attention. It's hard to tell either way where your sitch is going but I would proceed slowly no matter what. Try not to look at every single event as a positive or negative. I struggle with this also but the overall trend is what matters. Anything can happen also. She could want to work on the M tomorrow or the gay neighbor could decide he's not as gay as he thought and they sleep together. You can't control it either way.

[otw]

vise
hoping you are having a good holiday, have a great new year

[vise82]

Hey,

hope everyone is doing good.

I did go to the inlaws for Christmas. They did have a room made up for me. The youngest asked W why I was in a different room and he wanted me to be in the same room as my W. She just ignored his question and so did I. Everyone treated me fine even though its been three months since I have been there.

I was able to keep it together. I did not move far from my comfort zone as I was trying to keep it together.

I was more myself at the park when we all took the kids to play. I had a great time there playing with my kids.

Opening gifts was interesting. I was left out of the stocking's this year as the stocking are from w parents. W and I put both our names on gifts after W left it up to me. She really couldn't say no as she was getting me to pay for my half of all the gifts. I let that slide and just let Christmas happen. That means her name was on the gifts that I bought for the inlaws. I didn't ask W for her half of what I spent on those. She was shocked to see what I bough them and everyone like their gifts.

W got me nothing. I told her I was getting her a gift. She didn't even say merry Christmas to me. No Christmas card, not even one from the kids. She did get a card from me and each of the kids. She didn't really talk to me at all. She stayed on the other side of the room when she could. It was awkward. I did not cry. I faked it till I made it.

We did a lot of stuff as a family and spent new years together as a family. W was quiet and emotionless and ignored my efforts to talk to her. She was like a robot and from across the room wished me a happy new year.

She has been going to the gym and staying home with me and the kids.

After new years I had all these expectations that were not met eating me. So I asked about the gifts and not saying merry Christmas and the weak new years greeting. I just asked to be treated like a human. It led to a R talk and I asked her if she is in love with anyone else. She said with out hesitation no. Then I said what is the problem then? Her answer for everything was what do you want me to say?

So I lold her I want you to say you want to work on things. She said she will not say that. She said she tried that three years ago, and I didn't want to.

I was surprised with that answer, her weak argument. I shouldn't have had any expectations but I did and they were not met and I was hurt. I almost was going to take my ring off in front of her and say that I lover her so much that I am going to give her what she wants. I was almost convincing myself that it would be good for the kids if we sell the house to liquidate it and pay off the debts and then live separated places.

I called her out on being so plastic and robot like and asked her to be real. She said she has to be like that because I am watching everything she does and I will see her being nice as things getting better and the next thing I will be jumping in her bed.

She is right, I have been doing that and I would want to do that.

But I said nothing last night just good night. I cried early in the morning but I found hope in some of what my W said. How she hasn't started any paper work with the lawyer. That she is not in love with anyone else. That she was ok with having me around for the holidays. That we managed to go a month with out a major fight.

So I think I stayed off the forum a little too long as this is stuff I would have vented on here. Instead I had a R talk and put pressure on my W.

Then the next morning it was like the talk never happened as we said good morning to each other. This is was my goal was to get past the not greeting each other.

[vise82]

hey,

New year, new start.

I am going to tackle my financial issues. I am not sure of the best route. I am thinking of going to consult with a credit counselor because they give free advise and set up budgets. This is key for me if I am to look out for me and my kids. But from what perspective do I look at it? Do I look at it as if I am married but we have separate accounts? W has said she wants S and says we are S but has not done the work to has a S agreement. I will know more after the consultation. Or is there other options I haven't thought of?

I am continuing with the Soccer on Sundays as it give me a legitimate reason not to be at her parents house for dinners for the kids. Although a couple of days ago S7 said that I never go to inlaws for dinner unless its a special occasion now. I confronted W if she told S7 this , she said no she didn't, kids can see things and he is just say what her sees. I doubt it, it sounded like he was confirming what his mom said. W still blames me for not going to her inlaws for dinners. I said that I didn't make that decision, she did when she didn't want me as her husband.

Validating. I need to be more aware of time when its an opportunity to validate. This needs to be on my mind so that when the time comes I will validate. Not realizing it after its too late.

Dog training, I have started another cycle of this training for the new year, this is also on Sundays. I have been making an effort to talk to more people during the classes. I also think the training helps me as I need to lead this dog and show him I am the boss and to be respected and listened to. This also translates into my family dynamic.

Mens groups. I have found two options, one costs money the other is free. One is a general men's group and is closed and is for general issues and your locked in for 3 months and costs money. The other is for sexually abused men is free and you go any time you want. I have not really talked to anyone about the abuse from when I was a child. I did start to tell my W about it after we were married but she told me to stop and that I was a kid, that there was no need to tell her about it. So I didn't.

Professionally at work. I am going to work on upgrading myself professionally. It will take a year to upgrade, there is four tests to take and the study load is heavy. My W has pushed me to do this in the MR but I refused. I felt like she was pushing me into another job because it made more money, regardless of how I felt about it. I felt like she was pushing me for the wrong reasons. I know this is something I need to do. It would be nice to get it done with out the pressure of changing jobs. I mean she would send me job posting of what I could be making it I had the higher classifications. But those jobs have higher risk of lay-off, different benefits, ect. There is more to a job then the amount of money you can make.

My health. I will be on top of keeping me healthy. Of not waiting so long to see the doctor. Of eating right and staying fit. The gym thing is a hard one for me to crack. It is a road block for me. I played high school football and was defensive MVP two years in a row. My coach told me my ability will only get me so far, that I needed to work out to get to the next level. I was so confused as to how to get to the next level as no one in my family had gone to university. I just thought I would just try my best without working out. and he was right my senior year I got knocked around on the field. My skill wasn't enough. I didn't win MVP. I stopped playing football after that year.

My Kids. I feel I let them down this holiday as I had a week with them but stayed in the house and around the house with them. I didn't plan anything. I didn't make it special. I was there and we did have fun but I missed and opportunity to sprinkle some outings here and there. I was feeling down because of the holidays and I let it affect me. The way my W is not showing nay affection to me is heart breaking. Its almost like she is psychotic. How can one live together and do the stuff we do and not have any emotion or show that she cares?

I don't know how much of this I am going to do. I can only take it day at a time

[otw]

Vise
good to hear from you. Holidays are tough. Especially spending the time together. I had a lot of time with my W as well and really sent me spinning for a while.

I think your last post was great. Now you just need to put a plan in place to make sure these all get done. maybe schedule part of each day towards those items.

The talk with W, let it go. talks happen, cant change things now. I dont think if you did not have the talk you would be closer to reconciliation. i think it is still in the same place, you just never know.

best of luck.

[RAI]

My Kids. I feel I let them down this holiday as I had a week with them but stayed in the house and around the house with them. I didn't plan anything. I didn't make it special. I was there and we did have fun but I missed and opportunity to sprinkle some outings here and there. I was feeling down because of the holidays and I let it affect me. The way my W is not showing nay affection to me is heart breaking. Its almost like she is psychotic. How can one live together and do the stuff we do and not have any emotion or show that she cares?

The kids want your presence. They don't need your presents. Have you read "the five love languages for children"? Don't assume that taking them out and planning fun activities is the *only* way to fill their love tanks. Try to figure out what each of your children's primary LL is and then speak to them in that language. Although your are going through a rough patch and you are understandably distraught, feeling low because you did not take them out likely compounded your sadness.

It is ok to feel a bit down. I have been told this on the board before: You cannot deny your feelings and it is also ok for your kids to see that sadness sometimes - within reason. At first, I was so afraid to show my feelings to my children. But they can see your feeling no matter how hard to try to hide them. You are human and your children will appreciate your humanity more if they see you experiencing real feelings in response to a terrible situation. Also, if you hide your feelings, there is also a possibility that your children will think you don't care about what is happening. Use those sad moments as teachable moments: Sometimes, when you are sad about something, it helps to open up a little bit - again, within reason.

Keep your chin up, friend.

RAI

[vise82]

Hey OTW,

Thanks for checking in. The list I made was from the top of my head, and I should start looking at making a plan on how to complete them.

Yesterday I picked up my kids and really spent time with them. I spent time on the carpet at S4 level and gave him some good time with me, them with both of them with a magic kit. Oldest got upset because he didn't see any magic just things that tricked people. I tried to tell him the magic is when you do the trick and the person watching has no idea how you did the trick. that is the magic. He was expecting TV Disney type magic. I wrestled with them and then made them dinner.

I was cleaning up in the kitchen and W comes home. We had the babysitter over a couple of weeks ago and when I came home she was cleaning in the kitchen and asked how my day was. It felt so good that I thought I would do that for my W. I asked how her day was and talked about the weather. It didn't feel weird or anything and I think my W sensed I was sincere about it. We all watched TV together and I put the kids to bed. W was watching TV and I just messed around on the computer a bit then told her I was going to bed. This is what I want, more greeting in the house. Its a 180 for me.

I cant take that R talk away, but it did give me peace. I feel a lot better that it was talked about and I let her know how I felt. Its no longer an issue with me. It let me move past what I was feeling about gifts and the holidays.

[vise82]

hey RAI,

Thanks for letting me know your here.

You inspired me to focus on my kids yesterday. My W worked late last night and sent the kids to bed early. I don't know why she wouldn't want to spend more time with them?

I have been reading your sitch. Its heart breaking to read. Its like looking into the future of what maybe in store for me. You can get through this RAI !!!