LBH w/ a WXW after the D - now what

[gs9]

Old Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2633801&#Post2633801

[gs9]

Well.....I guess I'm no longer a LBH w/ a WW trying to save a marriage.

I'm not sure what I am. I guess I'm a LBXH with a WXW who still lives in the house.

Now what? I've been fighting for this M for so long I'm not sure where I go from here. I'm not sure what I do. I know I keep being the best father and man I can be but I've put so much energy into saving this M that now I feel a big gap in my life. Overall it was an unhealthy space but it's a gap regardless.

[PigPen]

Breathe G. Today is just a day to rest. Tomorrow the same. You can find a new focus in a few. Right now just take care of yourself and your kids.

PP

[gs9]

Thanks PP, I'm trying......just realizing I'm not sure where I fit in. Had a really rough weekend emotionally. I've never been very good at dealing with my feelings. I know in the near future everything will be better than it's been just struggling with the moment. I can't break my funk. Need to hit the gym this afternoon.

[TxHubby]

Now you're a single guy, younger than me, out there to live your life on your terms. Nobody to check with. Nobody to answer to. Keep going to the gym. Go to meetups with people. Open yourself up to the world. You can't change the past. Be the person you dream of being. No hassles to stop you now.

[gs9]

Thank TxHubby,
those are all very true statements. Nobody to check with is a very true statement. I do like be accountable to someone who loves me but not controlled and manipulated.

The person I "dream of being"........that's a good statement. My identity has been so wrapped up in who she expected me to be....not that it was bad.....but I don't know who I dream of being. I think I have a lot of guilt and I expect a lot from myself. Even though it was out of my control I think I'm feeling guilt for not being able to make the M work.

I know in my heart it takes 2 to make it work and she gave up. I'm really good with feelings so I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I know I'm in the dumps though

[TxHubby]

I think we all have certain dreams of who we want to be that we give up a lot of when we're married. Every career choice I've ever made was with family in mind first. Now you're putting you first. Probably for the first time in a heck of a long time. All those things you wanted to be, you wanted to do. Now there is nothing stopping you. You can let this eat you up and wallow in sadness or you can get up each day with a sense of being a little better today than you were yesterday. Your life isn't even half way over yet. You'll mourn this loss like the death of a close relative because that's essentially what it is but you're not dead. Life is for the living so you have to get busy living.

[gs9]

Thank you.
I do have a lot to live for a lot of positive things in my life. I have to stay focused on the positive things and those things I'm grateful for.

[PigPen]

Tx gave you a lot of good insight G. Think of it this way - there's a huge vacuum that's been created in your identity. Up until now there's been a tiny bit of denial around what's really happening. There has to be.

Here's an analogy that may seem insensitive but isn't meant to be. Imagine having your truck, only you've had it for years, you got it fixed up just the way you liked it, lots of after market upgrades, and it's your pride and joy.

Then one day you get in a brutal accident, the truck gets flipped and completely totaled. You wake up in the hospital and someone asks, "Now what? Are you going to get a Ford, a Chevy? A Toyota?"

You're still in shock. You've got broken bones. AND you haven't even begun the true mourning of your loss. See where I'm going here?

This isn't going to go away any time soon, so breathe. You're right you've got a lot to be grateful for and lot of positives to build on. Up until now you haven't had a chance to build on you, to develop you, to even figure out what direction you want to go in growth and development. It's ok, you're still lying in the hospital bed with IV's going into you!

Today will pass. And so will tomorrow. Day by day if you do it right you can truly develop yourself in any way that you want. You have access to more information and education than at any other time in history, so if there's a subject you like or a skill you want to develop you can. Take it slow though, you're rebuilding a tattered soul and that's going to take time.

One day at a time G.

PP

[Pax_luv]

Gs,
You got this- you really do. Just as tx and pp mentioned, it's now time to be YOU and focus only on YOU. There's literally nothing better to do right now than take this opportunity to work on yourself and your needs. initially, my thought process about this was - eh, it's not like I'm going to put myself out there and date anytime soon there's literally nothing better going on- might as well turn myself into the best person I can be!