I'm 41, and have been married to my wife for 15 years. She's 39, and we have three children together, ages 15, 11, and 9. (Two girls and a boy) We met in college and dated for a few years, then she got pregnant and we got married a few months later. The circumstances weren't great surrounding the how and why we got married, but to me, I was smitten with this beautiful young woman and truly meant my wedding vows.
However, our marriage has had many many issues. We've been very unhappily married for many years now. I honestly don't know the 'truth' about why, but for my part, I accept any and all responsibility for my own actions and inaction.
On October 11 this year (a little over two months ago) my wife kicked me out of the house. The actual events of that day were that she was on her cell phone in the backyard with someone having a happy and personal conversation, and I was trying to eavesdrop and find out who it was. Eventually I went out and confronted her and she wouldn't tell me, wouldn't show me her cell phone, and told me that it was 'none of my business'. At which point I said that I didn't have a place in our marriage anymore and feigned leaving to go pack a suitcase. She never tried to stop me, so I left my suitcase and just left in the car.
A couple of hours later I came back and as soon as I showed up she told me I had to leave. So, I did. I lived in a hotel for a week, and now have a one bedroom apartment.
I desperately want to reconcile my marriage with my wife, but I'm not very good at it. I've been making so many of the same mistakes I've been reading about in the Divorce Remedy book, but now I come here to learn the rules, and get advice, and get on with my life (i guess).
My wife says she needs space. She says I don't love her. She says that there isn't anyone else in her life. (But I spent the first week in my hotel trying to hack her facebook password, and did, and saw a chat with another man that bordered on a sexchat, kind of.) She has said over and over that there is no one else, and that the man on the phone in the backyard that day was a different guy from the chat on facebook. (I told her I hacked her account and told her to change all of her passwords.) But she still says there is no one else.
She says she wants more. More out of life. A boat. To be happy. A better house.
I've been an alcoholic. I've gained weight. I've pushed her away. I know that I've done a lot of things over the years to be a bad husband, but I've never cheated on her, and I've been a good father to my children. My kids love me.
Anyway...I'm kind of rambling and don't know exactly how much I should share in this first post without being way too overwhelming for anyone who may actually take the time to read it.
I think my wife may be going through a mid-life crisis. She may also be having an affair, she may not. A counselor at Divorce Care I've gone too says that I'm the 'left-behind husband' and that she is a 'walk away wife' even though she is in the house and I'm out at an apartment.
She barely speaks to me, and when she does it is only ever about needing something done for the kids. I pick the kids up every morning from home and drive them to school, and I pick them up in the afternoons and bring them home. I work from home, so I can do that. She works downtown now, and that's when a lot of this last stuff started. (It also sounds a lot like a typical story of a man/woman who has an affair, get a new job, meet someone new, affair...bam.)
Anyway. I feel like I'm supposed to do the 'last-resort' technique. Everyone, everyone, I mean everyone I talk to says I need to move on and give her the space she needs. But, man I'm no good at it. Plus it hurts like hell. But I'm willing to learn.
Last night we had our school's Christmas recital for our two youngest children. I went, and met my wife there. I dressed nice. I tried to look and act upbeat (as much as I could without over doing it) but I didn't talk to her unless she spoke to me. When she talked I looked her directly in the eyes with a calm, nice face and would answer her question in a short few words then went back to watching. For an hour and 50 minutes we mostly sat there in there in silence with her sitting with her legs crossed away from me, her arm closest to me up on her knee against her chin, and her body turning away from me. (Building a wall from me) At the end of the last song, I stood up, told her goodnight, and left.
And now today, I'm just trying not to contact her at all unless she contacts me.
I really apologize about this long post, and I truly thank anyone in advance for reading my mess, and offering any insights, help you can. I'm new, but plan on being her often.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
A counselor at Divorce Care I've gone too says that I'm the 'left-behind husband' and that she is a 'walk away wife' even though she is in the house and I'm out at an apartment.
Agreed
We usually do not like to advise people to move out as it can be very difficult to ever move back in.
Everyone, everyone, I mean everyone I talk to says I need to move on and give her the space she needs.
I dont believe that these are mutually exclusive.
Look - you need to give her space. The more you try to control or influence her, the more she will fight against you. So, yes, you need to leave her to her own doings.
But why does that mean you need to "move on"? No. I reject that idea. What you should be doing is taking a long, hard look in the mirror, and really instilling the change you want from inside of you. Figure out the man you want to be and grow into that. Only then, will you have a shot with your W anyway.
Welcome to the boards, B. Have you read Divorce Remedy?
We own the house together, if thats what you mean. Our agreement so far has been that she is paying the bills there, and I pay my bills here at the apartment. She is a professional engineer and actually makes more money than I do. Though, I don't think her financial situation is all that great with everything she has to pay for over there. Though, I have been giving her money for things we haven't split up, like cell phone payments, car insurance, and things for the kids (piano practice, etc..)
I didn't want to leave the house, and truly regret that I did. I went and met with a lawyer about a month ago and she said that it doesn't really matter that much, because if she really wanted you out she could have called the cops on you and told them a story and you'd be out anyway.
But yes, I wish I was back in the house.
Me:41 - LBH in apt W:39 - WW in home Kids:D(15), D(11), S(9) - custody % 58/42 M: 15 yrs - DoS: 10-11-15 (PA confirmed 2-12-16; WW dumped by AP 11-6-15; WW dated 7-8 men in Jan '16 via Match.com)
Everyone, everyone, I mean everyone I talk to says I need to move on and give her the space she needs.
I dont believe that these are mutually exclusive.
Look - you need to give her space. The more you try to control or influence her, the more she will fight against you. So, yes, you need to leave her to her own doings.
But why does that mean you need to "move on"? No. I reject that idea. What you should be doing is taking a long, hard look in the mirror, and really instilling the change you want from inside of you. Figure out the man you want to be and grow into that. Only then, will you have a shot with your W anyway.
Welcome to the boards, B. Have you read Divorce Remedy?
I didn't mean for them to sound mutually exclusive. When I say move on...I mean move with my life and me becoming my own man. Independent of my wife. Recreating myself in the image of what and who I want to be. I still want to reconcile. But the man I was...that guy...I don't ever want him to exist in the world again.
Yes, I have the book. I've read most of it. Skimming some in the middle.
Me:41 - LBH in apt W:39 - WW in home Kids:D(15), D(11), S(9) - custody % 58/42 M: 15 yrs - DoS: 10-11-15 (PA confirmed 2-12-16; WW dumped by AP 11-6-15; WW dated 7-8 men in Jan '16 via Match.com)
When I say move on...I mean move with my life and me becoming my own man. Independent of my wife. Recreating myself in the image of what and who I want to be.
Great - so then what are you doing in this regard?
I started seeing a personal therapist. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous and I am 60 days sober. I've lost 53 lbs since October 20th. I've found a marriage counselor for my wife and I, and we've been 3 times. I am finally finishing my professional licensing exams, I have 5 more to go with the first of 5 scheduled on 12-31-15. I joined a runners group in my town, and I've got what appears to be a pretty solid new friend from my time in A.A. (another LBH). Also, I pray a lot, and I go to church on the weekends by myself or with my kids.
So...I don't know how much of that counts. But it feels like I'm on a spiritual journey while my heart is stuck in limbo. This has definitely been the hardest couple of months of my life.
Me:41 - LBH in apt W:39 - WW in home Kids:D(15), D(11), S(9) - custody % 58/42 M: 15 yrs - DoS: 10-11-15 (PA confirmed 2-12-16; WW dumped by AP 11-6-15; WW dated 7-8 men in Jan '16 via Match.com)
Sorry you find yourself here, but there is a lot of wisdom and good advice to be found here that really helps.
Sounds like you're off to a good start! I can't add much to what Az told you, but it sounds like you an I have some similarities (I also work from home full-time, in a tech profession, etc.). I don't know if you tend to be an introvert, but I do, and I've found that getting out doing things with and around people is very helpful to round out the GAL activities. Church is good, so is doing a new activity or one you enjoy that keeps your mind on learning and growing, and off the sitch (which is on our minds enough as it is!).
So sorry you have found yourself in this situation, B, but it sounds as if you are facing your own demons and problems head on, and are working on yourself, which is exactly what you need now.
Originally Posted By: Bfice3
I started seeing a personal therapist. I joined Alcoholics Anonymous and I am 60 days sober. I've lost 53 lbs since October 20th. I've found a marriage counselor for my wife and I, and we've been 3 times. I am finally finishing my professional licensing exams, I have 5 more to go with the first of 5 scheduled on 12-31-15. I joined a runners group in my town, and I've got what appears to be a pretty solid new friend from my time in A.A. (another LBH). Also, I pray a lot, and I go to church on the weekends by myself or with my kids.
So...I don't know how much of that counts. But it feels like I'm on a spiritual journey while my heart is stuck in limbo. This has definitely been the hardest couple of months of my life.
It ALL counts. I know you are probably making all these changes to try to win her back, we all did that at first, but these are good changes, and you need to be making them for yourself. And to be the best dad you can be.
I'm so glad to hear you are going to Divorce Care. It helped me so much. I was not able to save my marriage, but between Divorce Care and the wonderful people on this forum, I can truly say I am happy and healing, and in a good place emotionally and spiritually. As you shall be too!
PS, about your wife telling you there is no one else, and that you don't love her, etc, etc, etc. Read Cadet's quote above, "Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does" and keep repeating it to yourself over and over until it sinks in, because EVERY single person going thru a mid life crisis lies constantly.
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
