job suggested I pop over here with the cool kids. I qualify because my H is a MLC expert or master or king...
He is either on his second MLC or he is finishing one that almost killed both of us when it started in 2004.
Rewind to 2004, we had 3 kids, D4, D3 and S eight months.
On our wedding anniversary he moved to another state with OW. I had no idea. I went to the police to file a missing person's report. Because he seriously just up and vanished, no bomb, no warning.
I found him when he went to work on Monday. He told me crazy stories like he was living in a church and needed to be with God.
For months I was 100% sure he was in a cult. He said and did the craziest things.
The 'cult' turned out to be OW. They had a bouncing baby girl 10 months later.
I DB'ed my tush of for almost 3 years and he came home. Happily ever after.... Until he was caught sending and receiving nude picts to a girl online in 2012. He promised it meant nothing... blah blah blah.
Lately he has been working less, and less and less. He has also been spending more and more and more money. He cashed in his retirement and it is GONE. He spends all night on the PC and I sleep alone every night.
In August I kicked him out. I thought we would be better working through our issues apart. He decided D was the solution.
I found out the reason he has been spending all of his nights on the PC... He has an online OW that lives a few states away.
After he moved out, he finally got a job! He moved into an apartment he can in no way afford and he has been coming to me and my family to financially bail him out.
I have refused, which was impossibly hard.
I cant imagine he will be able to live there for more than 3 or 4 more months before he is evicted. So I have to really be strong and not give him money.
Thankfully, I am a completely new person from the first MLC. I was a stay at home mom then, now I have a successful career. I have confidence, something I had ZERO of last time, and I am able to detach myself from his MLC... most of the time.
I still need help and support from the people on this board. I am now 50% sure I want to save my M. As long as I allow the smallest chance, I will stay here.
As job has said a million times, I am moving forward but leaving the door slightly ajar.
H is in a depression. Not my fault, not my problem. I am not trying to sound cold, but it is so far out of my control to help him. Me worrying about what I need to do next to help him is completely pointless. He does not want my help and any attempt to help him blows up in my face, every single time.
More than anything in the world I want to look at my cell phone right this second and see a text from him "help" But that is never gonna happen. I can, however, help me and the kids. So my goals and focus are directly on me. (If you guys just keep reminding me of that, well that would be grand)
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first. Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Mona, As you are aware, I've been following your threads over on the Newcomers' Forum. I'm going to make some suggestions to you and I hope that you will try to do some 180's w/your MIA h.
1. Keep your expectations at zero. Don't rely on him for anything. Actions speak louder than words, therefore, you need to have a back up plan for anything that has to do w/your children being taken or picked up, etc. You can't rely on him right now because he's gone and like most teenagers, off in his own little world. You and the children are not his number one priorities right now.
2. I know he frustrates you to death, but you've got to stop criticizing him all of the time. He's not perfect and if he's in crisis, he certainly won't win any awards for being a great husband and father. When you criticize him or point out the error of his ways, you sound like his "mother". You aren't and you can't control anything that he's doing right now, so don't waste your breath pointing out his flaws. If anything, it will push him away even further.
3. Do not bail him out of his financial problems. "Mother" you are not. You've been fired as his wife and since this has happened, it is not your problem when it comes to his finances unless they are going to impact you or your children.
4. When he does something right or on time, tell him thank you or that you appreciate what he's done. A little kindness once in a while will go a long way. They crave validation and admiration during the crisis as they most likely didn't get any as children. Changing the way you react to his behavior would be a 180.
5. Don't take the bait. When he does something that annoys you, don't react and lash out at him. If you have to vent, come here or get a pillow and beat the stuffings out of it.
6. If he emails, texts or calls you and the conversations start to get heated, change the subject to something like the weather or the children, i.e., a neutral topic. If he continues to argue or bait you, tell him that you have to go, i.e., you have something to do, etc.
As you have been doing things for yourself, continue as you have been...but be careful when it comes to dating. You do not need a third party in the mix because if things do work out w/your h, you don't want to lead on someone you are dating and hurt them.
This isn't your first rodeo and you have the DB basics in your tool box...use them. Don't be afraid to ask questions of the forum members. Come here to vent or just to talk...the door is always open and someone is always available.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
1. expectations cannot be lower than they already are. My H promised to get my son on Tuesday, he never showed, I did not react. He promised to chaperon for New Years so I can go out. I have a backup strategy in place. I have a few web cams. I can monitor the kids from where I am. It is 3 minutes from my house. Every time the band takes a break, I can drive home and see them. I can use the cams to monitor in between. They are good kids, so I am not worried.
2. I promise I heard you and i will TRY not to criticize him. It is SOOOOOO hard.
3. Done Done Done. I have said no every time so far. It will kill me when he gets evicted. But I will not save him, period. Every time the thought touches my brain I will post here.
4. This one has me scratching my head. He is doing nothing helpful in the slightest for me to thank him for. But I will keep both eyes open.
5. Heard you loud and clear. No more anger. No lashing out. Smile and shake my head.
6. I can do this. No arguments or heated discussions or R talks. Neutral pleasant, non-pressuring conversations only.
As for the dating. I will go very, very carefully. I will be honest with anyone that I am unavailable for a R if they get close. I desperately want to work through some personal issues with image and figuring out needs, so I hope to find a willing partner.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
H texted me this morning. He never texts me. But the D papers confused the heck out of him so he gave them to me. I made post-it notes for each page so he knew what to do.
The back of the packet was a paper to waive the 90 day waiting period. I put a post-it note on there that I refuse to sign that one.
That drew him to text me...
H: why do you want to drag out the divorce? (I waited 4 hours to answer)
Me: I understand why you would think that. That is not my goal. I am 100% on board for the divorce.
H: Then why not sign the waiver to get it over with
Me: It will be over with soon enough, once you file.
I dont know why I wont sign that stupid paper. But legally, I get 90 more horrid days. AFTER I get served. I am keeping them.
I have looked at each one of your suggestions job when answering. I cant thank him for this, but other than that I think I stuck to what you said.
My PMA is steady as a rick right now. He can serve me any silly papers he wants. I will be fine no matter what.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Mona, You only validate/affirm when he actually does something. I know you are scratching your head right now about this...but there is going to come a time when he will do something right, offer to do something and possibly carry through. Just put this suggestion in your hip pocket and leave there until the time comes.
Just remember, his self esteem is at an all time low and you don't kick a person when they are completely down. Yes, he frustrates you and yes, you get angry...but the best way to deal w/him is kill him w/kindness.
Take that anger you have simmering and use it wisely. Use it to help you get up and do the walks that you need/want to do. Use it to bust on. You've got some goals for the new year and that anger will help you get there if you use it wisely.
This is my opinion, so take it w/a grain of salt, you need to learn how to love yourself first and be on your own. You've got to clear up some of those issues before seeking out a willing partner to help you figure out things. Your baggage needs to be lighter before getting involved w/someone else. Be up front w/the person and advise them you are going to enjoy their company, but you are currently unavailable for a R. Don't wait until they get too close.
Just my two cents.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Mona Sorry you are going through this a second time. I too am in the fir round 2
My w first MLC was 10 years ago. Lasted a couple of months and came home just after XMas
This time BD happened around the same time it happened 10 years ago. I figure she didn't resolve her issues so now back in the tunnel to finish what she started
I am DB'ing and I will be there for W if she crashes. For how long...., time will tell
W is no contact to the kids for a few months
wish you the best :-)
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
I did not listen to your advice of course. over the weekend I criticized and rose to the bait. He is pressuring me into signing a paper to waive the 90 day waiting period for the D. So I was pulled in. But the good news is I recognized where I slipped up. Before, when I criticized, I felt justified. At least now I know I made a mistake so I can work harder on stopping my huge mouth before I say what I feel.
I understand what you are saying about a new relationship. I understand the complications. I am moving forward with my eyes wide open and I am being up front and honest. The only thing that has happened so far is dancing and a few flirtatious text messages. And when I say flirtatious, I mean innocent enough that I would have no problem showing my H if we were really M like a normal M couple.
That being said. I refuse to wait alone another 3 years. I dont have it in me. I have zero desire to be alone another night. It is hard to describe, but when I left my house to go to the dance last night, I felt beautiful. Like Wonder Woman beautiful (if you remember how beautiful Linda Carter was in the 80's). Then, Chris tells me how sweet I am. My H says I am a creature with a bunch of faces. Chris asks about my day, H wont even text me. Chris says words like stunning and beautiful, and he says them repeatedly.
I am so cold at night. I snuggle with my puppy but I still shiver.
I am not latching on to Chris as my new H. It would never, ever work. He and I are very different, and he is not looking for a wife either. I'm just looking for a friend to share little things, someone I can take care of a little bit. (I mean like back rub, not pay check).
I just made the perfect pecan pie and I will need to throw some of it away because I have no one to share it with.
I am living with my mom. We went out on Friday and she stole a glass from the bar. Chris used to be a cop, now he is a correctional officer for troubled teens. I know, if I go anywhere with him I will be safe and I wont have to petrified the cops will arrest me. My whole entire family are criminals. My H was my rock away from that mess. I have no rock anymore. I am a lonely island with craziness all around me.
My sister rear ended a car 2 days ago because she was texting and driving. In her text messages she was sending she was threatening her H that she wanted to commit suicide with her car! She just got out of prison and he says she goes out every night to burglarize people.
I have normal people at work, but we are all introverts and dont really talk about personal issues, like ever.
I know I have friends on this board. And when I get upset that my mom is criticizing me because I did not take my own popcorn to a movie and hide it under my shirt, I can come here and unload and you guys can keep me pointed in a normal path. But I need a shield, a protector, especially now when I feel so battered.
It is easy to say, be strong, but sometimes I cant be strong. I want to be weak and fragile and I want to feel safe and protected with no guards up.
I have no idea if that makes me selfish. But I am trying as hard as I possibly can to make sure I am not the cause of pain to anyone. I try so hard to say encouraging words, even when people are not doing the same to me. I wont hurt Chris, I will never let it get to that point. I wont get hurt. I have no heart left for anyone to break.
I just want to laugh and feel safe.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Hi Mona Sorry you are going through this a second time. I too am in the fir round 2
My w first MLC was 10 years ago. Lasted a couple of months and came home just after XMas
This time BD happened around the same time it happened 10 years ago. I figure she didn't resolve her issues so now back in the tunnel to finish what she started
I am DB'ing and I will be there for W if she crashes. For how long...., time will tell
W is no contact to the kids for a few months
wish you the best :-)
Poor kids. My H does not contact his kids either. It is out of our control. Best to focus on what we can focus on.
I wish you the very very best as well. At least you are in the best place in the world to help!
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
